Why humans do anything at all

I was wondering why I was feeling so nihilstic nowadays.

I call it the great paradox: When we are busy, we long for rest, we long for leisure, we long to just spend all day relaxing. It is something we dearly yearn for in those times.

But, when that actually happens, well, pretty soon one gets bored. That sense of having nothing to do; no responsibility per se; no duty... is... rather paradoxically... somewhat depressing.

In a way, humans are rather simple creatures. Like horses, we like having a carrot dangling in front us, for us to chase. Sometimes, that carrot need not even be something... it's hard to say... truly worthy to us. We just need something, someone to motivate us, to simply... do something, and provide some sort of reason for us doing it.

Whether you want to admit it or not - humans find... contentment and a sense of achievement when they have to do something, and they do it. Yes, we enjoy accomplishing stuff.

But now, we come to the important question: of that carrot on a stick dangling in front of us.

In my view, it symbolizes, well, external motivation. For example, if someone forces you to complete a task. Or you just know you have to do something for whatever reason. (At the most basic level, it would be trying to earn enough money to have enough food, and a roof above one's head) Or it can be due to some very intense societal pressure. It can be something rather dire, where perhaps one's life is on the line.

In such cases... yes we are motivated. Yes, we can try our best. Yes, we can dedicate ourselves.
And believe it or not - we will feel a sense of accomplishment when we get that task done. We will be proud, we will be happy. And most certainly we won't be feeling nihilistic (For we have some sort of "purpose" in our life, however unfairly / involuntarily that "purpose" was imposed upon us; and, in my view, striving after such purpose to which one knows is something that needs to be done is well, worthy, at least in that behind-the-carrot vantage point)

Now, we come to the interesting part:

Perhaps one's "most basic" needs have been met.
Perhaps one feels one doesn't want to be "pushed-and-shoved" by society any more, and that what they want us to do, is not that worthy after all. Or perhaps some societal pressure that had been exerted upon us has been removed.
Perhaps one has, indeed, accomplished that task, that goal. It's over. It's done.

Yes. That external pressure is gone. That external motivation has gone. In fact...

The carrot dangling in front of us has disappeared!

The question one asks is: Now what do I do?

Of course, one can do nothing. It's rather easy to do nothing, and seems like the relaxing way out after pursuing something for so long. Yup.

But pretty soon, one will get bored of 'doing nothing' in particular. One won't exactly feel like they're 'wasting time'; (for what is the meaning of 'wasting' when one cannot see something worthy of doing?) rather, one will feel... bored. An emptiness.

Like a horse lost, knowing no where to go. (Although, in nature, no animals ever lack motivation; nature always provides them with something to do)

It is at this point, in my view, we come to the issue of internal motivation. What do we want to do, as a person? What do we think is worthy of pursuing, is worthy of our time, dedication, and commitment... our life? What do we voluntarily want to do?

This, in my opinion, is one of the hardest questions a human can ever ask.

Firstly, let me address what I mean by 'internal motivation'. By that I don't mean that the motivation itself comes purely from truly 'internal' factors. (which can only be genetic; like it or not, our values, likes, and thinking patterns are all influenced by the environment, our previous experiences, and knowledge: all of which, in the strictest sense, originated 'externally') Rather, by 'internal' I mean that no one is externally forcing us to do anything; if anything we're forcing ourselves to do something.

Now, we come to the hard part. What is worthy of doing in this world? What should we spend our time on?

Yes. It's hard.

We need information, we need exposure. And a lot of it. We need to know what is out there in the world. We need to know every job, every interest, every pursuit, every hobby, every goal - and perhaps, perhaps then - we will find something worthy.

Yet, alas, we arrive at another paradox - in many things, to find out whether it is truly worth doing, one needs to have done it already!!! Yup. So often, one may get into a pursuit, only to find out it gets 'boring' later on, or one simply doesn't find it 'valuable' enough. Reversibly, one may be not keen at all in the beginning; yet once deep inside it, one may find its true value.

If we had infinite time, I will travel down every road, every path, and at the end of long, long journeys, perhaps I will find what is truly worthy for me.

But the trouble is we don't have infinite time. We only have one... excruciatingly short lifetime. How can we travel every road in such a short lifetime? We can't. We can't. We simply can't.

They say in decision-making: information is very, very important. Yet here we are, as humans. Forced to make decisions with an incredibly small amount of information. Yup. It's hard. It's very hard.

This is why I cannot commit. This is why I cannot set a pursuit. This whole sense of... opportunity cost. This whole sense of... "if I choose one thing... I'll be missing out on so many other things!" And that whole anxiety of... "sure, I can get into this thing... but perhaps, perhaps, there is something out there in this wide world where I truly will find contentment? And that I am simply not aware of at the present?" This worry that... I may spend precious time of my life doing something that may not truly be for me.

Hence I cannot find much internal motivation at the moment. Hence, I feel so nihilistic. In fact... so much is my... I donno, indecision, that I've ended up doing nothing. Heh, the ultimate paradox. So many are (potentially) worthy pursuits in this world that I do none at all.

What is worthy in this world?
What is valuable in this world?

Let me be honest: I don't know. Yes, many things compete. But does one truly touch my heart and ring true? Sadly, nope.

And yes... without this required internal vindication to do something... my existance in honesty is rather spectre-like; I grudgingly do many things. Many things I do against my uncertain, wavering will. Many things I don't know about. Many things I'm not sure about. There are many times where, I don't 'really know what I'm doing', I'm just pushed and shoved about, like a half-asleep man amidst a busy crowd. Many times I make unwilling, or rather, uncommitted, steps. Yet all the while, time passes by, relentlessly flowing; mocking my indecision, mocking my confusion.

Surely, there's got to be something truly worthy. And it will be truly worthy when I vindicate it myself, when I can affirm it myself. Others can help me, they can influence me - but they can never, ever, 'force' me; for it is most wholly a question of what I want to do with my free will, a truly precious, miraculous gift we humans have.

I guess... some things just act as 'triggers' in people's lives. And once triggered, bam, they're gone, like a rocket. Nothing can stop them in their pursuit. They will, they can, push through every barrier put in front of them, for they have that burning fire, that burning motivation. No, not a carrot-on-a-stick, but an internal motivation - that truly powerful, unstoppable, form of motivation. It really is a blessing to have that sort of fire. A rare blessing.

* * *

Why am I having this crisis?

I will be honest -

I don't think I have entered myself into a pursuit I can be truly committed to. Hence I have doubts. I have regrets. I have worries. I feel I'm better suited for... other things. I donno. Perhaps I was faint-hearted. I bowed down to external pressures. Yet I'm still very uncertain to this day. Was it the right thing to do? ... I don't know ...

Other people ... are quite different to me in the way they go about things. They have different values, attitudes and priorities. They decide things differently.

It's troubling. What's important in this world. It really is. Especially when things go 'beyond' my... I hesitate to say it, for I am not entirely sure ... 'selfish' desires. I don't know though. I don't even know what 'selfish' means any more.

Yet... yet... can we have enough motivation... how much motivation can we have to act on others' behalf, on behalf of their, not our, internal interests?

Sigh. I don't know. This is the point where I question myself. Can I really live my life in others' behalf? Can, and why, would I be able to go suffering for others behalf? For, it is easy to suffer for oneself, to achieve one's own goals. But for others? For others? For others? ...
I don't know. I really don't. My mind gets numb...

Sigh. The question of what we want to do with our lives ...

I feel ... jealous when I look at some little children answer so quickly and confidently when asked the question, "what do you want to do when you grow up?" Heh. Do they realise, that perhaps this is indeed one of the most important questions they'll ever have to answer. Do they realise, that some like me have struggled with this question all my remembered life. Do they realise, that to do what they answer, and to bask in its true consequential contentment, they'll need all the internal motivation they can muster.

Perhaps, perhaps they do. Perhaps, in a very... indescribable part of their mind, they know the weight of their answers. Perhaps, it is that confidence that matters. As humans, we are all setting out for uncharted seas when we begin life. Perhaps the best attitude is not worrying too much about the ship we're on, but on what the great ocean holds for us. What awaits to be discovered.

But let me be honest:
I don't know.