The art of letting it all go

Another day passes and it's another day I am thinking about my shyness problem. It's hard on me emotionally to voluntarily think about a "problem" I have, when I can so easily "forget about" it. However I know there is no point in doing that since as soon as new social situations arise, I will be painfully reminded of my problem, like an age-old wound re-opening again and again. Also I understand the damages my life has suffered from me trying to simply "ignore" this problem. I've realised that turning a blind eye... isn't really the answer. At least so far, time and "growing up" haven't turned out to be remedies at all.

But then I wonder. I wonder. After all, we are free to wonder:

What if, what if... I could just let it all go ....

I start to realise, that an important part of my problem is... well... my unwillingness to change. My... 'secret' (or subconscious) desire to keep things at status quo. My... fear that, if I let go, I will never be the same again - that I will never be who I was again. That perhaps I would change to some alien being unrecognisable and far removed from my present self.

Yea, human beings are funny. Paradoxes, heh. The thing is, I want to get rid of my shyness. But, by that very definition, it implies change. And I am afraid of it. Even though I often hate every moment of it, I seem to be... 'comfortable' with my shy self.

An inertia.

I know that a lot of my problem stems from my lack of social skills, that I never acquired when others did as children. When others were playing with eachother, learning the nuances, twists and turns of social interaction, I was that kid reading books by himself. (lol)

However, from advice I've read, I also know that pretty much the best way to learn social skills is via exposure - and plenty of it, for me to observe others and practice, practice, practice.

Basically, I need a whole heap of 'social experimentation' to do, to get out there and see what works and what doesn't. Given enough trials, exposure, and experience, hopefully my brain will start to make the right connections, and I will start to understand things. Trial-and-error is a very crude way to learn, but by the looks of it, it's the only available way for me. (I could try out the fancy, $$$-requiring professional 'therapies'... but frankly, I don't have the money.)

I also know from other pursuits that... the whole point of practising is because you aren't perfect at doing it already. In fact... I view the whole act of 'practice' as 'making a whole lot of mistakes, then hopefully learning from them.' I know that mistakes are crucial. Often one learns a lot more from mistakes than from 'successes', and in a complex arena like social skills... I know that there are many, many, many mistakes and challenges one has to go through.

Given this, it's easy to see what's preventing me from actually going out there and trying to change, trying to socially experiment with myself. I am outright scared of the mistakes I will inevitably have to make as part of my learning process - of all the embarassments, of being snickered at, of being made fun of (behind backs most likely), of becoming an object of pity and shame, of becoming even more alienated / isolated than I already am, of perhaps not progressing despite all the effort I would make... worry that it may all be for nothing.

And of course, a fear of the unknown... a fear that, if I 'abandoned' my shyness, that myself, and my life, would 'change beyond all recognition'... it's like... throwing out a part of you forever into the void...

Yes. I am afraid. I am afraid to 'let go'. I am afraid of 'letting go who I currently am'. I am comfortable being who I am, despite all the problems. I don't know. Life is so paradoxical:

I hate my shyness, yet - in a way, I am 'proud' of who I am at the moment!

Oh, I can't believe I just said that. But it's true. Despite being alienated, I kind of treasure the fact that I can think so differently to other people. I enjoy being my unique self. Perhaps it's a coping mechanism I came up with, I don't know. But in a way, I embrace my shy, socially inept self.

Yeah, that kind of made me feel good.
But, but, but, but, but... at the same time, I can remember the oh-so-many times where I literally hated myself so much for having zero social skills and being shy.

***
Basically, this is how I stand, with regards to changing myself:

I don't want to become one of those chit-chatters... who ramble on and on...
I don't ... want to be the life of a party.
I don't want to gossip a lot.
I don't want to... 'hang out' too much, to the detriment of my soul. (I frankly... see youths just 'hanging out'... and it looks like a waste of time to me.)

Yet:

I do want to be able to have a proper conversation with anyone.
(This is a hard one:)
You know those group situations, where people just sort-of 'hang-out', joking and gossiping? Well, the thing is, I do understand that that sort of thing is the 'oil' of socializing, so, well... I don't want to be 'too awkward' in those situations either, but I also don't want to get too 'carried away'. I just want to be a 'socially reasonable' guy in that sort of situation where people won't regard me as 'weird'. It's a fine line that I'm not sure even exists.

I do want to not seem so awkward and uncomfortable in social occasions, and actually enjoy it.
I do want to follow the correct social mannerisms / customs / cues etc.
I do want to 'smoothly, seamlessly get on' with other people, without sacrifising my individuality. (Perhaps a very hard ask? I don't know... I am, after all, a very peculiar person ...)

(Heh, I must admit, it feels good specifying exactly what I want, rather than the vague 'I want to stop being a shy person'.)
***

Now, having some clarification: back to the crux of my argument - letting it all go.

Put it this way:
In dreams... I.. dream of 'going into the body' of another person. When I am them, I no longer am myself anymore (obviously... but this is a very important point!) Hence, I am not 'restrained', 'held back' by who I was. I can be whatever, whoever I want. I can feel free to experiment... I can be... 'free'! Do what I want, be what I want!

Basically, by 'letting go', I mean becoming like that, freeing yourself psychologically while, remaining in the 'body' of yourself.

'Letting' oneself go. Telling oneself that it'll be alright. In a way... not caring so much any more. Not caring constantly about how others think and judge you for your mistakes. Not caring that you aren't constantly living up to some perfectionist image of yourself. Not caring that you're making swathes of mistakes.

Basically:
It's lightening up. Taking life in easy-strides. Not taking life, oneself, social things, so seriously! One can experiment! One can try this and that! After all, we only have one shot at life. How we live it should be our decision.

'Loosening up'. Relax. It's all good. It doesn't matter! Stop being all serious and stuck-up about everything.

Yes.
This is a change in attitude.
I don't expect to suddenly become furnished with whole lot of social skills that make me no longer 'shy'.
No.
BUT.
What this attitude change does is put me on that long path of ... challenging oneself, experimenting with oneself.
And as I said, social skills comes with exposure.

Sigh. It's hard.
I ramble on here like this... yet when I think of what I will practically do in the real world... sigh. It's just sigh. So hard ... I don't know. Something just blocks me. I just can't... I ... I... I... just don't have the confidence to shatter that invisible barrier I put up against other people. I don't know why, I just do. FEAR. .... lack of confidence ...

Sigh. It's been good rhetoric anyway.