The greatest poverty

“The greatest disease in the West today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread but there are many more dying for a little love. The poverty in the West is a different kind of poverty — it is not only a poverty of loneliness but also of spirituality. There’s a hunger for love, as there is a hunger for God.”

- Mother Teresa

Journey

A journey

Ill-carried

Is a journey that only cared about its end;

A journey

Well-carried

And beautiful

Is a journey

Where every step

Mattered.

The ridiculously simple solution

I finally realised... the ridiculously simple solution - to a ridiculously simple problem in essence.

Why was I so bad at talking?

Because, no one would... bother to talk to me seriously. No one would bother to have a real conversation with me. They knew I didn't have much talking skills, hence they didn't bother. They thought that too much work was required on their part to talk to someone as reclusive as me.

Well ok. So there I was. Oh, so you want me to go learn talking skills before I can talk to you? Well, sure. Ok, so... how does one acquire talking skills? By talking of course! ... But oh wait - I just said that no-one would talk to me unless I gained some talking skills...

Despite looking like a Catch-22, the answer was ridiculously simple.

It was to have someone... who will endure you. Someone who will talk to you seriously. Someone who could perservere with you; someone who could tell you that you were fine; someone who talked to you without that ridiculous pre-condition of pre-learnt talking skills.

And I am a fast learner.

When someone was actually willing to talk to me - seriously -
I learnt the art of conversation pretty quickly. The art of empathy.
It was just that...
I just needed someone to... actually talk to me.

And I look back -
Why did I have such bad conversation skills?
Because, I never, in my life, had a chance to engage in proper conversation!
Conversation is a 2-way thing - yet if the other person is unwilling, how would one ever practise conversation skills?

I finally realise

Why...

Patience and perserverence are such wonderful virtues - especially when it comes to interpersonal matters.

All I "needed"... was someone to "endure" my lack of skills. Someone who wouldn't be turned away by that -someone who would give me a chance. A chance, a chance, a chance... - a chance to practise, a chance to engage, a chance to converse, a chance to talk, a chance to listen, a chance to empathise...

The ridiculously simple answer -

The key to learning conversation skills is...
By actually having conversations. ("Proper" ones though - in the sense that the other person takes it seriously.)

It's amazing.
When someone actually offers you a chance -
What you can do.

It's amazing -
What change you can make to people's lives
By simply talking to them - talking to those whom society deems "unworthy to talk to", because they have "no social skills".

Don't give up. Persevere. Find beauty in them. Reward them - provide positive feedback - when they start creeping out of that shell, however tentative and "amateur" they may be. When they offer empathy to you, when they're making those tentative steps at conversation and emotional expression - provide reinforcement! Embrace them! Love them! For those small things are a glimpse of great things ahead - but what they critically need is encouragement. They need affirmation that those steps matter to someone. That their voice does not pass unheard. Offer them pointers. Offer them a hand.

***

A baby's first steps are
Clumsy, unskilled, awkward

Yet if there were no-one cheering them on
Who of them will stand tall and walk?

***

True warmth is warmth offered to coldness

True light is light that illuminates the darkness

True love is loving that which is unworthy to be loved

The Inner Fire

Remain positive.

Push yourself but remain positive.

Hope is the light that shines upon one’s soul.

In the darkest of days, if there is hope, there is life; there is future.

What is more important than the “outside” – which may be a drab, dark, damp ruins –

Is the inner fire.

An inner fire that burns regardless of everything else.

An inner fire that ceases to tire.

An inner fire that continues regardless of whatever happens outside.

The inner fire –

Allows everything to be possible;

In the darkest valleys;

In the swamps of despair;

If the fire still burns inside you

Then no matter how you may look outside –

Battered, hurt, bruised –

There is a future

For externality

Is in so many respects, deceiving;

What you must kindle

And be aware of

Is the fire that burns inside;

A fire that may be invisible –

To everyone

But you.

And as long as you never let that fire die;

As long as you keep the fire alive –

The outside – means nothing

You may be in the direst of straits;

Darkest of times

But if that fire burns

The fire of hope

There is a future

Never, ever underestimate the power of potentials

That thing called potentiality is such an interesting thing –

If you believe in it –

It comes into existance! Like waving a magic wand.

If you do not believe in it –

Then it indeed fades away…

Believe in hope. Believe in the future. Believe in potentiality. Whatever your current situation is – in some sense, that hardly matters at all!

What truly matters are your potentials; the fire that burns inside

A fire invisible to everyone else

Yet a fire, nonetheless, that is your uttermost treasure

A fire that you will never allow to die

What matters not is now

What matters is the potential for the future

Everyone

Everyone can complain about now

Everyone can look at the misery they are in now

Everyone can look at the ruins of now

But if you have the inner fire burning

You know –

That this is not the end of the story

The story continues

The fire continues to burn.

A Beautiful Mind is...

Someone who can say “No” when everyone’s saying “Yes”

Someone who can go against the flow in chase of their heart’s desire

Someone who is willing to make a true Difference; a Mark upon this world

Someone who can defy all that is placed before them

Someone who does something that no one expects – someone who utterly shatters expectations, just to show how utterly misplaced some people’s judgments, assumptions, and expectations are

* * *

In a world defined by the environment

In lives that are defined by the environment

Such Beautiful Minds show

What it means to be an individual

And to truly live

It is true

That when we are born

We are born into the shackles of socio-culture;

Where the idea of “free will” seems to be non-existant;

And we feel just some part of a giant machine;

Our lives played out and destined already

By shackles of our environment

Yet

This is where the Beautiful Mind shines

To say “no”

To defy their environment

There is the age-old

Genetics vs. Environment debate

Describing the

Deterministic nature of human life;

Seemingly –

Seemingly all that occurs in one’s life can be explained by either

Genetic or environmental factors

But there is one thing missing from the above picture

The above can apply to animals, or anything else;

But not – completely to humans –

For

The above forgets the power of free will

Exercised in the hands of a Beautiful Mind

Breaking open

Those fetters;

Liberating

Oneself from all that tenaciously binds them

And to fly free

They say

Humans are like sheep

Blindly following one another

Swayed this way and that

By environmental factors

By forces that seemingly overpower them

Into submission

Yet once again

Not all humans are like sheep

For there are those that fly free

The lone eagles

The albatrosses

That fly in search of their heart’s desire

On love

Today I shall write on the subject of love, something distinctively rare in this world.

In a world of criticism

In a world that tells you that you’re always doing it all wrong

In a world where your life is not worth living

In a world that is so unliveable

In a world where you are no longer a person

In a world where you’re nobody

In a world where you don’t exist

In a world where everything goes wrong

In a world you cannot change

In a world that is all about bringing others down

In a world about living at others’ expense

In a world where you can never be comfortable

In a world where one can never find solace

In a world where one is always alone

Love – love …. Means a lot. It means a lot. It means the world. It means everything.

What I want is simple.

I just want someone to truly care about me.

I just want someone to tell me –

That despite this sick world we live in – that despite all those misgivings –

That there is hope.

That in a world where everything goes wrong –

That at least one thing could go right

What more can I want; what more can I want…

One thing going right would satisfy me.

I want to feel like I exist in this world.

I want to feel as if my existence matters – not just some “thing” that’s a waste of space that no-one could care less about.

I’ve just realised –

I am so alone… so alone… so… alone. No one cares about me.

Love is a simple thing.

It’s a simple thing.

It’s simply about caring about people.

It’s telling them that they’re more than just junk made up of assembled organic matter.

It’s telling them that they’re beautiful… they’re beautiful… NOTHING could replace them… nothing in this world…

Regardless – regardless of everything –

What their life has been like, what their environment has been like, whatever, whatever…

Don’t JUDGE... just LOVE.

Just LOVE. Just LOVE.

For EVERYONE deserves love. No matter who they are. No matter who they are. Just never forget this.

Anyone can love their brothers, or friends. That is not love. That is SO not love.

Why did Jesus tell us to love our enemies?

Because EVERYONE deserves LOVE.

For people are SO much more… than our EXPECTATIONS and ASSUMPTIONS of them…

They are so much more… so much more… who are we to judge? NEVER, NEVER, NEVER. You can’t JUDGE a person. That is the basis of all hatred, all enmity in this world – and of course – the lack of “love”.

It is not that we do not love.

It is that we JUDGE most people not to be “worthy” of our love.

When you love someone

You love everything about them.

You love their scars – you love the marks of tear and wear upon their souls

You love everything they have gone through

You love… embrace all that they have suffered

You love them for who they are…

The prodigal son… suddenly I understand.

He is in dire need of love…

Who are we to deny it…

Love is not about selectively nit-picking what we think are the “good” bits about another person and then loving those, whilst turning a blind-eye towards “bad” things.

For those things change. “Good” things pale, “bad” things may turn even more sour.

No, no, no!!

You love someone for ALL that they are – deformities and all – and EMBRACE it. You love them because they – as a person, deserve love – no matter who they are.

And trust me,

They will be SHOCKED.

They will be shocked at such expression of true love, of an all-encompassing compassion, of an embrace that they never thought they deserved.

In a world telling them that they do not deserve to exist –

Such love will mean everything.

Don’t turn a blind eye towards someone’s wounds – their weaknesses, their shortcomings, their mistakes.

Be that bandage that covers it. Be that ointment that heals it.

We, as humans, are never in the position to judge anyone else –

We simply do not – or cannot – KNOW enough, and must rely on flawed “expectations” and “assumptions”.

But – though we are not in the position to judge –

We are always in the position to love.

The Need to Belong

There is that uncanny feeling –

That you don’t belong here.

It is an odd feeling –

Being a perpetual alien; a perpetual outsider.

One knows one is at the wrong place –

When one talks “at a different frequency” to everyone else;

When their commonalities are never your commonalities;

When what they value and do is miles away from yourself;

When what they aspire to is a world away from you.

An odd feeling –

Of being alone.

Of being different –

Of being a world apart.

Sure – one can get ‘used to it’;

But, it’s fair to say –

It’s by no means,

The ideal life to live –

Being a world away from others.

I don’t want to bother conform with people vastly different to me –

I would rather be by myself –

But still –

‘Tis a pity, really, that there are no others like me.

A lonely journey ‘tis – a lonely journey ‘tis.

Walking through this world alone.

Like a shadow, like a spectre.

An existence I am oh-so-used to, yet never really espouse.

The Sociocultural Matrix

Humans are inextricably bound to a sociocultural matrix that they cannot escape. It is what defines them, it is a part of them too much. The sociocultural experience is simply an inseparable part of the human experience. All human experience distinct from a sociocultural experience is few, and far in between.

Unescapably bound to a culture
Inextricably tied to a culture
Human experience cannot exist on its own without some reference to a culture…

One is lead to question to what extent is one’s experience of this world truly free –

And how much is tied inexorably to sociocultural expectations, norms and values that we, ourselves aren’t even aware of most of the time.

To what extent is an individual’s experience and behaviour but predictable… manifestations of a broader sociocultural matrix?

They act… the way they do –

Because that is what is expected of them by the sociocultural matrix that inextricably binds them?

There is that theory – where… “emergent collective behaviour” results from “individuals” seeking their self-interest;

Well, I am supposing, that in human society at least – perhaps that may be the other way around.

Individuals are inextricably part of a “collective” – and – I want to daresay –

“Individual free will” is an illusion – an emergent property of the collective manifesting in the individual.

For –
An individual isn’t truly “free”;
They are always “bound” by sociocultural norms, expectations, and values;

People say they have "free will" - yet -

How much of their actions are pursuant - wittingly or not - of society's rules and expectations?

I see all these people, and to me - they just all look like ...

"Mindless" machines... just acting as one would expect a part of the collective to do...

People talk of "ant colonies" acting as if it had a mind of its own -

Well - ... how about the other way around ?

There is a collective, a... "mindless" collective, drifting -

It is composed of parts - namely, individuals - ... who.... are equally - I daresay - "mindless"; Yet they believe in the illusion of a mind...

One can ask the so-called free-thinking individual -

How much of those actions, thoughts, that they have in their life -.... were an inextricable product of the socio-cultural matrix that they lived in...

There may be the illusion of so-called free-will - but guess what -

If you truly did what you wanted to do... regardless of sociocultural expectations / "pre-determinations" - Guess what really happens -

You are labelled an outsider. An alien. A misfit. A loner. Extend it further, and you are regarded as "delusioned", "mentally ill"...

It is difficult to illustrate the true and far-reaching extent of the sociocultural matrix ... because all human behaviour is embedded in it so much.

A human without culture is... impossible.....

A human is inextricably bound to a "culture", like it or not;

Human actions are pre-determined by their culture, their environment.... more than ANYTHING else

This is what I mean when I say that the "individual" is but an emergent property of the collective -

Given enough knowledge of the "collective",

It is possible to "construct" an individual - pursuant of that culture's expectations, norms and values. That "individual" need not have any "free will" or anything at all. They can just follow those EXPECTATIONS of an "individual" in such a collective society - ... and no-one would notice that they were an "imposter human"....

No individual is ever "free".

They are handed a socio-culturo-environmental "platter" at the beginning of their life. And they follow a "well-defined route", followed already by a million individuals before them - through a life-course defined by socio-cultural expectations. From birth, through maturation, till death - ... the "individual" need not even "live" - or exercise free will at all...

And I guess it is in this sense -

Cognizant of such deep socio-culturo-environmental shackles

That the term "fate" was coined;

For -

An individual's life...

Ultimately is less influenced by the decisions they make for themselves -than the socio-cultural environment to which they are born to;

And to which they they must.. rigidly follow - consciously or not;

Just being a part of that machine to which they were born into...

Just being a component of a giant...

===

An individual's life is more or less, written in the stars.

The culture they were born into.

Their ethnicity.

Their family.

The historical era.

Their gender.

The economical background.

The "social" background.

Geography.

Collective thought. Collective ideas. Collective norms. Collective values.

At the end of it all -

An individual's life is defined by these "external" things more than anything else.

It is through a path written in the stars

The individual follows...

Deviate from this path? One asks?

But why? How?... No one can live outside a socio-cultural matrix -

when you leave 1 "path" you simply enter another socio-cultural path;

An individual can never TRULY deviate from ANY such socio-cultural path -

And lead a truly "unique" life.

All individuals are shackled the moment they born.

It is in these shackles of socio-culture that we live, and die.

Disconnection

I have known disconnection for many years.
I have known it for my life.
To feel isolated from the rest of the world. In many, many ways.
To feel that you are not one of them… in many ways.
There are some barriers in this world
Some clefts in this world
Nothing can traverse
No “understanding” –
Or any vain attempt at it –
Can ever traverse these gaps.

Some things are just … different.
You. And I. Are just different.
And it is with lethargy one feels that barrier. It is with sadness. It is with sorrow.
Being a world apart from everyone else…
Feeling an alien amidst everyone else…
One can try to conform – but it is pretension, pitiful pretension – and I have long ceased trying that.

A gulf that can never seal
An understanding that can never occur
We think totally differently…
We may inhabit the same physical planet
But alas, we’re worlds apart…
We just perceive things so differently..

I will never be able to view this world the way you do …
You will never be able to view it the way I do…
It is an irreconciable gap created from a life of… difference; and everything before life itself
You can try, oh you can try.
But it’s pointless, you’ll get nowhere near. It’s just too hard. Unless you have lived my life, you will remain an unfathomable distance from me.

And it is in this sense, in this painful sense –
That I feel alone.

Because I think so differently to other people. We perceive the same things oh-so-painfully-differently. We interpret things, we think about things, oh-so-differently. We value such different things. You try to find common ground? THERE IS NO COMMON GROUND. In fact, thanks to everyone so far for not bothering.

I sometimes try to come up with the “human-argument” – that there is a common ground, that of “being human”. But it’s just pitiful. Plainly pitiful. In reality that is such a small ground because no-one considers it seriously. Only in the direst of circumstances does it become apparent, and only in a minor way. Thus, the fact that you-and-I are both “human” is a VERY weak argument. It’s as weak and supposedly self-evident as saying that you-and-I are both composed of matter. It’s pointless. It’s hardly a common-ground for anything but the most basic, officious human interactions, (such as, “where is the lavatory?”) that don’t mean anything much. The point is that everything else is different. The experience of “life” is just utterly, utterly, undeniably, irreconcilably, different. We may run the same hardware but our “software” is incompatible. We’ll never understand eachother.

I would have conversations if I could have someone that could understand how I think, what I value, what I REALLY like, in the deepest sense. Otherwise conversations are a bore just because… we speak very different languages. The language and life that you “speak” of is… incomprehensible to me. The language and life that I speak of is incomprehensible to you. I can pretend, but as I’ve said, I hate pretending, and it’s – so ridiculously tiring. I can’t live a life pretending all-day everyday not being “myself”.

An intraversible gulf. PLEASE don’t try to think that you can traverse a gulf like that. YOU CAN’T, YOU CAN’T YOU JUST CAN’T. You’ll never understand me. My life so far has repeatedly validated this. A life so different, a life a world apart.

And this is why I hate the politico-socio-cultural administrative bullshit. They don’t realise what they’re truly saying. What it really means. They don’t understand someone like me. I’m a ball from the left field. No one ever even EXPECTS something like me. Never thought of in the calculations. A total oddball. Weirdo. Freak. You guys can all mingle and “understand” eachother. K. Well just be aware: you can’t apply that sort of !@!#shit to someone like me. Your attempts to “understand” fail miserably, oh-so-miserably. I am just illegible, incomprehendable, aren’t I? Good. I hope my existence has proved at least something in this ultraconformist world.

The "ideal person"... ?

The "ideal person" in the Western World is

Someone who is "always happy"
Someone who is "always enthusiastic"
Someone who is "always passionate about something"
Someone who is "bubbly"
Someone who "always has a positive attitude"

Someone who "loves to have fun"
Someone who has "an endless sense of humour"
Someone who "never ceases laughing / smiling"
Someone who "knows how to have a good time"

Someone who "is outgoing"
Someone who "gets on well with anyone, anywhere, anytime"
Someone who "can make others laugh"
Someone whom "you can have a casual conversation with"
Someone who "isn't too tense"
Someone who "isn't too serious"
Someone who "doesn't think so much"
Someone who is "down-to-earth"
Someone who "is intelligent, but not too intelligent"

Someone who "can balance work and life"
Someone who "can get a million things done, but still be pleasant and humane in demeanour"
Someone who has "a diverse range of interests, hobbies, skills, and experience"

Well, you look at this sort of thing. And start to wonder. ... is there something missing?

In my view, what this "list" shows is that, at least the Western World, fails to accept the human condition in its entirety.

I cannot say it any more frankly than that.

What MISERY it is, if the human condition only consisted of such happy-go-lucky, "outgoing", hyperactive traits? Just think about it. If the entire human race was like that. Would you want to live in such a world? I most certainly, certainly, would not.

The thing is - we live in such a world already - well, sort of. For everyone is expected to be like that, to qualify as a "normal, healthy human being". Sure - there are people who are NOT like that but - well, either they try to conform, or, are frankly, thought of as "undesirables", and lie at the boundaries of mainstream society.

Any trait deviating from the aforelisted "ideals" are immediately frowned upon, disliked, avoided. It can even get worse and label them as downright pathologies / "psychological conditions"

We live in a world where we "cannot be sad". For that is "depression". We live in a world where we are constantly expected to be "happy". I even want to call it happy-sickness.

We live in such a "superficial" world... where this sort of, shall I say, "external happiness / joviality" matters more than anything else?

I want to espouse the human condition in its entirety

Happiness AND sadness
Extroversion AND introversion
Laughter AND tears
Togetherness AND loneliness
Fellowship AND solitude
Ability AND dis-ability
Optimism AND pessimism
Seriousness AND light-heartedness
Enthusiasm AND disillusionment

For, only then,
can we begin to see humans as humans -

frail, yet strong;
negative, yet positive;
sad, yet happy;
lonely, yet social

In the beautiful fullness of the human condition, that encompasses, espouses, EMBRACES all these things and more.

The Social Stuff

The Academic Stuff is easy. Well not easy per se. But easy. In that I can get the hang of it. I can get into the swing of things. I can enjoy it. I can revel in it; I can get immersed in it. I can find beauty in it; I can be surprised by it; I can find joy.

The Social Stuff is the hard part.

I’m just so shy. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I’m so silent. So silent. So unassertive. So timid. And people will have a negative opinion because of that. It sucks. Being so quiet.

Everyone will judge me by my quietness. It’s like an overlay, a mask over everything else that I am. They fail to see past it. It places a tinge on everything else. I guess this is what I hate about it. I don’t detest quietness per se, but rather what society thinks about it, and how society judges me with it.

Shyness: Two very different perspectives to the same situation.

This describes me perfectly!

If you're the person on the left you might think that I'm an incredibly boring, untalkative, 'antisocial', stuck-up, kind of guy.

If you're ME, the guy on the right - this is what's happening: suddenly, your mind's gone blank. You have many wonderful ideas, and thoughts regarding what she just said - but suddenly, all of that has just rushed out of your mind. You feel like you're now staring at a blank piece of paper. Meanwhile, time's ticking by rapidly - and the social imperative is that you give an answer. So you hastily say a "no", just to show her that you did not ignore her. You continue to try to think of what to say - but you can't. You just can't, it's like staring at a blank wall. Finally, the other person gives up. The other person leaves, and suddenly, everything you could have said, comes flooding back in.

The same situation.

Two very different experiences.

My Tears

You can't have a conversation with me.

You talk about something and it is as if it flies right over my head.

You search for responses but there are none.

You want me to say something but I don't.

You want me to react but I just sit there.

You want me to comment but I don't.

I just sit there, I just stand there -

Like a lame duck;

A stone statue.

You think to yourself -

What a boring guy he is. Does he have any humanity at all?

I don't know anything.

I don't sense anything.

It all flies over my head.

I know -

Superficially, "officially", customarily, scholastically, formally;

But I do not know -

Truly, humanely, emotionally, touchingly.

I am -

Someone you could talk to about the answers to an exam question -

But not someone

You can have a casual conversation with

About the weekend

About friends

About the weather

About our lives

About little things

I probably appear

Overly stoic;

"conservative";

tight-mouthed;

old-fashioned;

Unconcerned. Unenthusiastic. Unappreciative. Disliking people, and their lives.

It is -

At the end of the day -

These small things that grip me;

And wrench my heart.

I wish -

I dearly wish -

that I was a more talkative person. That I could... talk more...

Who we are

“I’m not sure I can do this.”

He hesitated.

Kash’ir looked him straight in the eye. Into those trembling, wavering pupils.

I believe you can.

There was no hesitancy. There was no wavering. Kash’ir’s eyes pierced through Bash’ir.

The air was still. Tranquil.

Before anyone can believe in you –

You must believe in yourself.

I know you can do it. You’re a beautiful person. Do you know how much I care about you? You might think you’re walking through this world all alone. You’re not. I know how it feels. I most certainly do. You might think no one understands you. I do, I do, I do. Watching you, so painfully reminds me of my youth. I was once going through the very same things as you. I know how it feels, trust me.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. That very step is only possible when one believes in it.

I’m asking you to believe in yourself.

I’m not asking you to be someone else. Why should you? You’re such a beautiful, wonderful, person as who you are. But please don’t trample on yourself. Please don’t quash yourself. Please don’t be so harsh on yourself. Of all things, please don’t limit who you are. What you think is “you” is surprisingly only a small part of you! I want you to be all that you can be. All that you were created to be. All that you were placed on this world to be. I want you to realise this. I want you to discover parts of yourself that you yourself have denied.

For so much of who we are is who we believe ourselves to be.

The Impossible Dream

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go

To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far

To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell
For a heavenly cause

And I know if I'll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star

- from the song "The Impossible Dream"

I am so used to the bull#!$!$ that is life

Experiences have taught me few things. Life has taught me few things. Here's what they are.

Always expect the world to be unfair.
Always expect for things to go against your way.
Never expect to be rewarded for effort.
Your genes, race and upbringing matter more than whatever else you try to be in life.
Some things are just impossible for some people. Period.
Don't bother beat against a brick wall. Don't try to live an impossible dream.
If things can go wrong, it will, in the worst way possible.
There is no point in life, there is no point in doing anything. It's all a farce, it's all a construct made of thin air and bubbles, which mean nothing.
Everyday life is just a series of things going wrong.
Expect life, the world, everyone, and yourself to be cruel to you.
No one likes you.
Nothing will go right in life. The dream of a peaceful, understanding, fair, happy-go-lucky world is just that - just a dream. It's unrealisable, because of what humans are and what this world is.
As an individual, your "decisions" of "free will" mean !$!$@. They don't really make a difference. What matters more is you getting pushed around by the forces of this crappy world. You can't fight it. You vs. the whole world that's against you. Some odds there.

I donno, that kind of made me feel better. Just describing the truth about this world.

People, people, people ...

I give up. People are too complicated. I will NEVER understand anyone. I will NEVER get on with anyone. They're too complicated. They're too... unexplainable. I can say something about someone and the moment I say it I am wrong because that person is more than whatever I just said. I can think someone as someone and the moment I do that I'm wrong because that person is more than the person whom I just 'thought'.

Basically I can never think about anyone because doing that is just fantasizing. Whatever I say that links to "people" or "society" or "so-and-so" is bull!$#! because I know I'm wrong, I know all of that just exists inside my head far from reality. Go out in the real world and I just realise I've been playing a show inside my head, none of it exists, no person is ever like the "person" I pictured in my head. They're just too complicated, too unpredictable, too irreducible.

I don't know. Humans are too... "precious" for me to deal with. I don't want to screw anyone's life by getting involved with them. Their life is too precious. It's too hard for me to do anything with them. I just... find myself staying away...

The Importance of Doing What You Love

I thought it was overrated.
I honestly thought you could come to love to do anything.
I was wrong.

We are born as different individuals. With different talents, different strengths.
What you must do is follow your stars. Follow your destiny. Follow what your heart desires.

Don't deny what you love. What you love is what you love! Don't try to fool yourself - you can't. You cannot fool your heart. You cannot change who you are.

People think a miserable life is a life out in the streets or something. Being poor. Having no social recognition. Being alone.

No, no, no! Oh what delusion all that is! My answer to all the above: who cares.

A miserable life is a life where you are NOT following what your heart desires.
You could be out in the gutters. You could be out of pocket. But that doesn't matter. You will still be living a worthy, happy, satisfactory life if you are following what your heart desires.

When you are following what your heart desires -
You can endure anything. Nothing can stand in your way.

When you are NOT following what your heart desires -
Even the smallest things will stress you. The most trivial of things will bring you down. You'll be left lost. You'll be left wondering "What on Earth am I doing here? What am I doing with my life?"

Follow your heart's desire. Follow what you love. At all costs.
Heaven helps those that help themselves.
Doors will open when you chase them passionately enough.

NO dream is too lofty. NO goal is impossible.
The question isn't whether things are possible or not. The question is whether you have the guts, the drive, the passion to make these things possible. Whether you are willing to give everything to follow what your heart truly desires.

What miserable life you lead when you are not doing what you want. When you are constantly questioning, doubting yourself. You wonder what on earth you are doing here. You feel like an illegit baby. You feel you are wasting your life...

Do what you love. Follow what your heart desires. Don't listen to other people. They don't feel the same happiness you do when you follow what you want to do. They can't dictate your life - of course they can't... They DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE. The person who best knows oneself is... oneself. The person that can make the best decisions for oneself is... oneself. NO ONE in this world can dictate what your heart desires except... yourself.

Everyone is different. Everyone has different values, motivations. That is why "advice" on what you should do with your life, ultimately FAILS. Because, by very nature, any "recommendations" are... flawed. The only "good" advice I believe someone can give someone else regarding such matter is telling to really spend quality time going over their mind - really getting to know what their heart truly desires - and following it.

When you are following what your heart desires - you can endure anything.
When you are not following what your heart desires - you can endure nothing.

Two very different ways of communicating.

I cannot speak.

I cannot talk.

I cannot communicate.

*

I wish to make two very important distinctions in the art of communication -

social communication, and

purely functional communication.

The irony is, that much of the time, both use the same vehicle called language. But, the latter is, by far, the simpler one. The latter, is something a machine can do. The latter, is something that can be "learned" quite easily.

What I am referring to is 'pure' information exchange. This is simple. In fact, one need only but the simplest means to achieve this. Also it's 'universal', in the sense that anyone can 'learn' to do it, and also, the identity of the sender and receiver doesn't matter. They're just passing on information. One cannot care less about who it is that is the messenger.

Social communication.

This is a completely different beast, though it is an emergent form of communication that arises "from" functional communication. However, it is much more complex. A mistake one can oh-so-easily make is to equate this unique form of communication with that of pure "information-exchange".

Oh how wrong that is! Oh how misleading! Oh how... unforgivingly irreconcilable those two forms of communication are!

To prove my point: disastrous consequences arise if one interprets social communication as purely functional communication.

And let me tell you this - the skills used in the above two forms of communications are completely, utterly, different. I may even go as far as to say that our brain process these two forms in different ways.

Let me illustrate what I mean. I'm not trying to be pedantic in differentiating these two forms of communication. These are real differences that I feel everyday.

A scientist who writes a brilliant, Nobel-prize winning, succint, complex, paper ... may find it hard to exchange 'social niceties' with a cashier at the local supermarket.

A novelist, or a poet, may write one of the most resounding, heart-moving works of our lifetime ... but it may be impossible to have a 'casual conversation' over a cup of tea with them.

A brilliant orator may speak one of the most inspiring speeches ever; yet at a dinner party afterwards, they may not have a clue how to speak to other, actual, people.

Note in illustrating the above, I have shown just how wide the scope of "functional" (information-exchange) communication can be. It may even strongly touch people emotionally (as in the novelist / orator example) BUT, with all that said, it is still distinct from "social" communication.

I don't know.

I don't know how one becomes adept at that obscure art of social communication.

I guess it's some genetics. And socio-psycho-cultural upbringing and exposure.

But one thing resoundingly, heart-wrenchingly clear is that one can be ever-so-capable in one area, but can be completely deficient in another.

Oh the irony! Oh the misery ...

When everyone is right; when no road is commendable over any other...

Can someone tell me -

What do you do

When everyone is right;

When no road is commendable over any other road;

When no pursuit is any more valuable than any other;

When no way of life is 'better' than any other;

When no personality or character is more worthy than any other;

Can someone tell me

Of this myriad of equal and diverse ways;

What life I should lead...

Misanthropes, friendships.

No man is in the deepest sense a misanthrope
Ironical as it seems, it is society that creates misanthropes

Those that are similar are bound to come together
They don’t even have to ‘try’ –
Things just fall together naturally like matching pieces

What great feeling it is to have someone else’s heart resonate with yours;
What a great sense of place you have in this world
When you have someone else to vindicate you too -
To reassure you that you are not alone;
That their heart beats, their mind moves, in a similar way to yours ...

If you have to 'try' -
Then you're with the wrong person :).

The thing about true friendships, and true love is that -
You can just be yourself -
You need not 'try', in any sense, at all -
And things will just unravel naturally
Magic will occur from the unmagical
You will marvel at how things just, simply, 'happen'...

Misanthropes don't really exist
There only exist people that can never understand them.

Misanthropes and loners can have friends too.
Someone just needs to show them that it is possible.
Someone just needs to show that it does not require perhaps as a big effort as they imagine it to be.
Someone just needs to show that they really are not alone, that there are others like them too...

What it means to be alone.

Being alone is not about being physically isolated -

It is about being socio-culturally isolated.

One can be amidst a million people yet still be alone.

It is being utterly, irreconcilably different to all other people. Socially, culturally.

Of course, there are certain things, that as humans we share with other people - but in everyday life, these barest of 'lowest common denominators' don't really play much of a part.

This incomprehendable difference, rift and gulf between oneself and others produces and perpetuates the loner. One is irrevocably seperated and continues to drift further and further away from other people.

There are very few things normal people will 'have in common' with loners. They are socio-cultural aliens. Incomprehendable, irrecognisable. An enigma. Someone best to 'leave alone' - as you can see, the creation of a loner is a two-way process.

Mired in social anomie.

Cryptic. Incomprehensible. Irreconcilable

These words describe things in either directions - I view society like that; society views me like that.

Why pitying is bad

Pitying is bad because when you pity someone, you implicitly place yourself above them. Sure, you might think that you’re providing ‘love’, ‘care’ and ‘concern’ to those being pitied –

But you make it pretty obvious to them that they didn’t really ‘earn’ your 'love / concern', that you are only doing it because you feel you are above them, and you feel that hence you possess the power/right/position to be the one who 'pities', whereas the other person lacks that power/right/position hence is the one who is 'pitied'.

You think that you’re the only one in control; that they only exist to receive your pity; that they're 'under' you, hence they 'deserve' your pity, by virtue of being in that perceived position...

Why did the phrase ‘as cold as charity’ arise when charity is supposed to be a 'good' thing?

Because, in my view, so often charity was (and sometimes still is) based on pity.

Pity is designed to seperate - to seperate between you, the pitied, who is 'under' me, and myself. What this constructs is a chasm between those that pity and those that are being pitied.

Heh. Never would it occur to the person who pities that perhaps - they may one day be the person at the receiving end. To them, pity would be something they would be all-too-willing to give, but all-too-unwilling to receive.

And I guess this is why pity doesn't constitute true love. LOVE is something you will be BOTH willing to give and receive. Why the golden rule - treat others as you would like to be treated yourself describes love so well. No one, in their right mind, would go 'looking for pity' - often, being pitied is a last resort which they must endure - because they know what those that pity you really feel - that they are above you, somehow more valuable as human beings than you.

To pity anyone is wrong.

To love them - horizontally - no power-relationships - this is true love. To embrace who you would otherwise 'pity' as fellow brothers-in-arms. To embrace them as being just like you. To acknowledge that you are no better than them - that you are just as frail and weak a human being as them, but that at the same time both you and them are strong, willed human beings too.

Only at such an equal-footing can true love be given and received. Only upon such an acknowledgement.

Always think of this especially when you try to love or care about someone who society otherwise labels as 'lowly' - because they are not, and with those 'vertical', 'power' spectacles you will never practise true love. When you see beggars, when you see criminals, when you see disaster-victims, when you see addicts, when you see disabled people, when you see orphans -

Know that really, you are no different to them, they are no different to you, and THIS is why we should care about them and love them. NOT because we are 'above' them in any way.

Silence with grace

Let me reveal to you today a truth that those who medicalise, label and stigmatise silence never realise.

I have realised that there are two types of silence in this world: silence with awkwardness, and silence with grace.

We are all too familiar with the first type of silence.

But here’s a thought: Do awkward silences exist insofar as one decides to feel awkward in that moment of silence? And then that such perception perpetuates itself; one actually starts acting awkwardly, uncomfortably; the silence is unbearable and one wants to do something about it.

Yes, that is the only type of silence that this modern world seems willing to recognise.

Silence in itself is a lost virtue in today’s world.

*

I wish to suggest and live a second kind of silence -

Silence with grace.

What is this?

It is to embrace silence. To enjoy silence. To cherish it; to revel in it.

It is NOT treating silence as a source of awkwardness - no, no, no!

It is to live a graceful silence; where one has accepted one's silence and embraces it.

Accepting, enjoying tranquility.

A problem is only a problem insofar as one continues to perceive it as a problem. One's silence will cease to be a problem when one has accepted it, invited it to be a part of oneself.

And then, one will start to become a 'master of silence' - where one enacts silence to a degree that... it is no longer 'awkward' to them; it is natural, it is part of themselves, and hence one will be able to show what it means to be silent with grace.

This is a truth that those who stimagtise silence will never understand until they actually open their eyes and try to understand us as human beings, beautiful as who we are, individual as who we are.

Impromptu speech, on-the-spot thinking, spontaneous creativity, ‘speaker’s block’.

It’s not that I cannot think; rather, it’s the fact that when I am put on the spot my thinking ceases to function.

Often, minutes later, when that spotlight has worn off of me, I can think of a million brilliant things that I could have said.

But… when that spotlight is on me to say something, I cannot think properly!

My mind erases into a blank white slate. I just don’t know what to say. Suddenly, I forget everything. I feel that I need to respond, to say something, but I cannot think of anything. All I see is this blank, whiteness.

Not to mention the incredibly short time ‘society’ allows for a response, before things start drifting off into ‘awkwardness’. It’s certainly in the sub-second range.

So, I guess, it’s wrong trying to think of what to say after someone has finished saying something; rather, you must be actively be constructing your response before the other person has said everything.

Perhaps that’s what I’ve been doing wrong. But then again, sometimes you’re told to speak on very short notice.

I call it an art, really, in such cases – where people begin their talking while they’re trying to think of what to say next. True multitasking. And not saying incoherent things either – all the while saying socially, situationally, grammatically appropriate and coherent things.

I call it spontaneous creativity.

I will even go far as to say this is the origin of human creativity. In my view, human creativity blossomed once language had been invented. Now, people had to be incredibly creative on very short notice to merely have a simply conversation.

I guess something is inhibiting my free-flow too much. The thoughts are there, but something is blocking it.

The Grand Paradox of Human Interaction

I don't know how people enjoy talking about, what to me are quite 'trivial' matters.

Let me list what to me are the list of boring, trivial topics people seem to enjoy talking about:

- asking 'how you are' 'how it's going'
- the weather - not just today, but how it has been / will be for the past month / year.
- how bored they are of working / doing something / being here.
- other people. (and what they think of them)
- past interactions with someone else. ("I was like ...." "He was like ...." etc.)
- The Weekend - what they did, plans for it.
- when the next break will be. What they want to eat or drink. Or, comments on what they did eat or drink in the last break.
- their / others' clothes.
- How they 'feel'. (No, not the 'grand' feelings such as intense sorrow / happiness.. just the mild, trivial 'feelings'.)
- latest TV show / music / movie.
- 'neighbourhood' or 'in-group' news / current events. (No, not 'world events')
- Their domestic life.

Yeah. To me they just seem like trivial topics 'not worth' talking about. I guess this is why I often can't think of what to say - I just don't value the above sort of things, whereas other people clearly do! Well, I'm fine with that. I don't want to have conversations about 'nothing'. Sure, they call it 'social lubrication' or whatever, but... I don't wanna do it - yes - even at the expense of social interaction, because... I don't want to be doing something I don't want to.

Why can't people talk about things more interesting!!!

Companionship

I guess all I want in life is simple.

I just want some companionship.

Real companionship... someone whom I can share things with...

Someone whom to casually just talk to...

Someone to be just there for me.

They don't have to do anything, they don't have to say anything;

Just be there for me...

Not speaking a lot takes its toll after a while ... you just want someone to talk to.

The power of labels

The human brain works in a funny way.
The moment we label something, we lose our ability to see much beyond that label.
For example – if you label oneself –
You may end up limiting yourself to that label, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

*

Sometimes it’s best not to label at all.
Then they can be ‘free’.

*

Descriptions are tricky things.

By describing something, we are summarizing something, in some ways, reducing something to that description.

We must remember – descriptions often fail to capture everything; we lose / distort large amounts of ‘information’ as we try to ‘capture’ objects / phenomena of the world in words / other media.

This is why I think ‘theories’ differ from ‘reality’ – theories, by their very nature, simplify things down – intentionally or not – hence they fail to ‘encompass’ or ‘capture’ everything.

Also, in my view, we say a literature / work of art is ‘good’ when they in fact do manage to ‘capture’ surprisingly a lot - things that we often fail to capture in normal ‘descriptions’. To borrow Alexander Pope’s words, good writing / art expresses -

“What oft was thought, but ne'er so well expressed.”

In fact, this quote was said about wit. Indeed, sometimes humour ‘captures’ certain things unexpectedly well. (And perhaps part of why we find things 'funny')

Sometimes, narratives, or ‘personal stories’ may capture more than ‘hard, factual’, accounts.

Sometimes, not telling certain things – omitting certain things may tell more than including them. It may ‘capture’ the essence of something more than trying to brutally describe everything. There is a quote I remember from high school English class that I’ll never forget – “Always show, never tell.”

I always kind of wondered why there were so many different forms of writing / art. I'm slowly starting to understand - each form captures certain things other forms cannot. Sure, we can interpret from one form to another - as you would translate between languages. For example, one can 'describe' a poem using prose. But no matter what you do, it will fail to capture everything in that poem; to do that reliably... one will have to write the poem itself.

Doctors vs. Scientists

Today... we had an interesting discussion.
It was to differentiate between medical doctors and scientists.
And... in a group of medical students, it's not hard to get some prejudiced images of scientists, and some ideal images of doctors.

The group 'consensus' was that doctors had to deal with 'more' than scientists - that not only do doctors need to know the science, they need to know people too. And they also said that a doctor's job is more 'complex' because not only do they have to deal with swathes of facts, but swathes of 'emotions' too.

They somehow painted the picture that scientists were these unemotional, passive beings who sat in dim-lit labs over petri dishes, 'not caring'; to them patients were just labels, not 'real people'. Scientists had no social / communication skills. They were detached from the 'real world'.

Well.

My heart couldn't disagree more.

Really. Scientists - especially those in life sciences - are very concerned about people. Let me just put it this way - their passions are directed... in a slightly different manner to doctors. They are trained in... different... skills and roles. But to question their emotions and intentions, is wrong.

The people that will be finding the cure for cancer will be scientists. The people that will be finding a cure for heart disease will be scientists. Patients will thank the doctor that delivers these treatments, but we know, that really at the back there were some great, dedicated scientists out there - who directed their passions and acumen to a noble and worthy goal.

Yeah. I am a scientist at heart... I know it...

The lengths one will go to not break someone's heart.

Tomorrow was supposed to be D-day.
Tomorrow was supposed to be the day I would break someone's heart.

I had been tossing and turning the past few days because of this.
My mind has been very heavy.
I didn't know what to do.

You see, no one in their 'right mind' breaks someone's heart for no reason. Usually there is a moral dilemma associated with it. Usually, there is an other side to the equation.

In my case, it was myself. The troubles my heart would go through. The fears, the worries, the anxieties, the awkwardness.

Yet here I am. I called it off. I will not break their heart. No - no, no ... it is such a cruel thing to do. You would never do that to a person ...

Instead... I'd rather suffer myself. I'd rather take it on myself. I'd rather live through the pain head-on. I'd rather walk on the burning path. I will take all the shame, I will take all the embarrassment, I will live through the awkwardness, I will be that sore thumb, I will be that piece that doesn't fit in, I will be that loner;

But no, I will not break someone else's heart. Not after what they have done for me. I would rather suffer myself.

Stand in the rain

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why
but she knows that when she's all alone,
feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears
if she cries that first tear,
the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
and the fears whispering
if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out
is through everything she's running from
wants to give up and lie down.

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
So stand in the rain

Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

-Superchick

The Profound Art of Thinking of What to Say

I guess it all has to do with experience -

That is, to know what to say, and what to do, in a social situation.

A lot of people have a variety of social experiences to draw their social repertoire from. Also from very early on in their life (almost from their birth), they have had the chance to observe and model / copy others in how to behave socially (and the social 'encouragement' to do so). I guess this is also the way in which 'culture' in general is passed on, rather 'effortlessly' and 'naturally', between generations.

In my view the following is how people 'think of what to say' in a social situation: They make extremely fast, 'calculations' if one may put it, in their subconscious of what to say. That is, what is appropriate to say, given the setting, the other person(s), the relationship, the context. This is done very fast with minimal 'conscious' thinking involved. Given the above variables, one's mindset, one's grasp of language, and in some respects, one's intention... words come out conjured and weaved together effortlessly and naturally. Language truly is a wondrous thing indeed, and a very intrinsic human faculty.

Like everything else in life, the degree of such 'automation' I guess corresponds to the degree of skill and experience. When we first learn to do a new activity - be it learning to bike, to swim, to play tennis, whatever - we initially have to think very consciously about every little movement we make, every little thing to do, what to do next, whether we did it correctly... and so on. But as we learn, certain things are 'grasped', and are relegated to automation. My guess is social skills and "knowing what to say" work much the same way.

Oh yes, and how could I forget creativity. To 'think of what to say' in the very short time we have in a conversation (down there in the millisecond range), we must have very good creativity. Sure, previous experience helps us immensely in preparing us with certain stereotyped responses, (and more generally in the 'ways' to respond / say things) but that cannot discount the huge role of creativity.

To 'conjure up', out of... 'nothing', something that is relevant, appropriate and 'interesting' - how can things get more creative than that? Yet this is what one must do in any conversation. To have a mind that can search through the recesses of one's memory and experience extremely quickly, and synthesise the right thing to say - in milliseconds. I mean, it pretty much has to be 'automatic'. And yes, I daresay, like riding a bike, reading a book - this is indeed a skill. One has to be creative to have a conversation.

And yes... this all reminds me of how human intelligence, and language for that matter, evolved in the first place: For social purposes. For as you can see, language and creativity are absolutely integral in developing human social relations, with all its complexity.

No. Sadly, human intelligence didn't evolve to make us better tool-users and wield technology. These were merely 'side-effects'. Nor was it evolved for 'academic' learning. This was a side-effect too. It evolved to... so-called 'enrich' our social interactions. Just as the peacock gradually evolved its marvellous tail to 'look nice' to females, humans gradually evolved 'intelligence' to embellish and decorate their social interactions; including language and creativity. Of course, it has had immense side-effects; but alas, to this day, such things remain as side-effects to the grand social theme.