A Sonnet To The Girl In My Math 113 Class

Her skin is softer than a dove's feather,

More grace in her finger than can be measured,

Eyes so deep I could watch them forever,

Voice so enchanting it has to be heard.

In math one-thirteen I sit next to her,

Away from lecture my attention is lured,

Can't help but stare to my side at this treasure,

A Goddess to me... she must think I'm a nerd.

My heart burns for her: I want it so much.

Oh why do I bother? Why do I pine?

What I wouldn't give for a single touch,

But her love, I fear, shall never be mine.

I suppose that this was intended to be,

The girls that I love? They never love me.

- by wyv.
Source: http://everything2.com/e2node/A%2520Sonnet%2520To%2520The%2520Girl%2520In%2520My%2520Math%2520113%2520Class

Defeating the fear of failure

"I must allow myself the freedom to screw up without making a federal case out of it. I need to be able to stutter, say something dumb, be politically incorrect, stumble, risk being boring, risk being too chatty, forget what I was going to say, excuse myself from a disastrous conversation, and accept that people will also excuse themselves (though not necessarily because of me)."

- shyandquiet.com

"The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure"

-Sven Goran Erikkson

"Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong"

- Peter T. Mcintyre

Opening up, and sharing.

When I envisage myself, I see a person clinging onto what they have with dear life. I see a person cringed in a corner, hugging their knees, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. Not letting go. Not sharing. Clutching everything for myself. I see those tightly, tightly clenched fists, a tightly closed heart. I see my eyes looking away.

By doing that, I build an invisible, inapproachable wall around myself. I mark myself as 'out of bounds'. By doing this, I reject others.

Why? Let's be honest. I am scared. I don't know what other people are like. That sense of unknown scares me. I am scared that they will touch my delicate self, and I will shatter like ice. I am suspicious of others. I don't trust others. I don't think I have anything worthy to say. I think I am too weird. I think I am too different.

In the face of others I see myself shrink away. I see myself as completely inadequate, unworthy, uncompatible, unacceptable. I feel completely unconfident, that I will do everything wrong. I feel that all I'll ever do is just make a fool of myself.

I feel that I don't have anything worthy to share, to bring to the table.

So - given all this, all I want to do is hide away, run away... from others.

* * *

I need to open up.
I need to unchain the shackles holding my heart shut.

I need to stop being completely freaked out by other people.
I need to stop being so scared by them.

Once I'm not so... scared anymore,
I will be able to "confidently" wear my heart on my sleeve.
I will be able to open up.
I will be able to freely talk.

I will be able to feel confident in talking about anything with anyone.
I will be able to talk more.

Because I won't be trying to judge every word I say before it even comes out of my mouth.
Because I will be able to vocalise my thoughts without being too self-critical.

Ultimately... it's all about sharing.

Sharing. Sharing. Sharing.

Opening up.

Knowing that you do have things to contribute.
Knowing that you can do it.
Having that confidence to share.

Sharing requires courage. It requires bravery.

Because when you share...

You let loose a part of yourself out in the world.
Knowing that it's all O.K.

I just realised, something important in how we function is giving permission for oneself to do something.

I can feel that... deep down, I haven't allowed myself to have light conversations.
I haven't allowed myself to talk about trivial matters for the sake of getting to know other people.
I haven't allowed myself to talk unnecessarily about anything.
I haven't allowed myself to open up more, to share more.

I have set a limit on how much I can say. I have blockaded myself. I will need to shatter that blockade.

I know that really deep down, I disapprove of talking a lot. Although I want to, I... for some reason, disapprove of it. I disapprove of "unnecessary" talk, of saying more than strictly necessary.

I will need to get rid of this disapproval, to say that it's O.K. - that it is desirable to talk a lot. That it is desirable to speak your mind. That it is desirable to share one's thoughts - even if it's not "correct" "conforming" or whatever.

The Miracle

The marvellous, wondrous, inspiring complexity that is life.

Supreme mainfestations of beauty, of purpose;

Of diligence, of teacity, of survival.

The more we inquire

The more we discover

What pristine beauty awaits us.

How humble one feels

at the face of it all.

'From so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.'

- Charles Darwin

"We humans have seen the atoms which constitute all of nature and the forces that sculpted this work...and we, who embody the local eyes and ears and thoughes and feelings of the cosmos, have begun to wonder about our origins... star stuff contemplating the stars, organized collections of ten billion billion billion atoms, contemplating the evolution of nature, tracing that long path by which it arrived at consciousness here on the planet Earth... Our loyalties are to the species and to the planet. Our obligation to survive and flourish is owed not just to ourselves but also to that cosmos ancient and rast from which we spring."

- Carl Sagan

Nature, from the smallest subatomic particle

to the grandeur of universe

is breathtaking.

Words fail to describe

the wonder of it all

The sheer, raw beauty of it all.

How can one ever express

What one's heart feels

When one contemplates

The very stars one once was

And from thence

The miraculous path

Of how one came to be

When one contemplates of everything -

everything, in this universe

How one feels obliged to kneel

At the scope of it all

The grandeur of it all

Down to every miraculous detail.

For 'tis nothing short

of a miracle.

The beauty of complexity

The beauty of self-organisation

The beauty of emergence

The miracle of

How we came to be -

And to possess

from those very origins

Free will

Consciousness

And the capacity

To discover

To learn

To inquire

About all these things

To the inquirer, the explorer

O what treasures there are

O what most beautiful gems

O what most inspiring beauty

Are just waiting to be found

Least to mention

the grandeur

Of how it all fits together.

* * *

Surely -

If god exists

He is outside of this all

Beyond this all

For -

This beautiful world needs no intervention.

There need be no miracles -

When this universe

Our very existance

Is one.

And what a gift he has given us

The brilliance of it all

* * *

Crossroads of fate

There is always a question

ringing

in my brain

Have I downplayed

myself too much ?

Have I trodden

on myself too much?

...

For one can easily paint an image of oneself -

and alas -

'tis so easy, so easy indeed, to become that image.

When one belives that they're something -

When one labels oneself

They serve as self-fulfilling prophecies

For

in the decisions we make

We will tend to, even subconsciously, make them based on who we perceive ourselves to be.

Even if our 'real' selves are different - gradually the two will align.

..............................................................................................................................

I don't know.

..........................

Have I downplayed myself.

...........

Could there be better paths for you ...

....

It's really troubling

. . .

I lacked confidence. I think.

Of trying even if it fails.

Of begging for what I want.

I ... I ... was so complacent.

I just accepted so many things. I settled for so many things. ...

When I could've done better ....

Sigh.

I don't know.

* * *

Living with

'what if's

is not easy

It's ...

........................

discouraging

..................................................

I don't know. I really don't ....

It all takes getting used to... and gradually getting better.

It's simple. Basically, I am a newcomer to the "social scene" of human life. I'm just not "used to" certain things. Simply unfamiliar. A newcomer.

I guess quite a bit of it is cultural, but at the same time, a lot of it is not.

For we all share a lot of common ground, as humans.

And now that I am more observant and care a lot more about social situations, things start to make a little bit more sense.

Of course, it helps tremendously if one's baby-step social foreys are supported by others - namely, those that one is trying to socialize with. If they have an open heart, a welcoming attitude - all the more easier it will be for the social newcomer to learn the 'social ways' and navigate himself in an unfamiliar territory.

And as for requiring more confidence - I put it this way - "putting your heart out there".
Instead of trying to... shyly keep to yourself, just... revealing yourself, revealing what you're thinking, revealing what you have to say. Just throwing it all out there. Don't be afraid. Let others examine your heart, what you have to say. It's all OK.

When I hear people say... "oh, I don't know what to say"... or "I can't think of anything to talk about" ...

Of course they have something to talk about. Humans are infinitely creative creatures. Everyone has thoughts regarding some things.

I think it's more the case of "Will it be ok to say this?" or, a subconscious whispering of "I'm a shy person, I'm not supposed to talk much. I am afraid of what will happen if I say this. It's just not 'me'." In most cases, despite having a lot that could be said, we just... hide it away. We may even become so good at this that, with such an attitude, we do it subconsciously - hence our conscious mind comes to the conclusion - "I have nothing to say."

So, what do I call as having confidence in speech? Simple. The ability to answer close-ended questions with something other than a monosyllabic answer.

I slowly start to understand now. Many close-ended questions, in social situations, aren't really asked to obtain the close-ended answer as an end. Rather, they're intended to make the answerer elaborate, provide more information than 'strictly necessary' - which in turn hopefully gets the 'ball rolling'. Here's an example of a close-ended question:

Q. What's your favourite number?

Here, a shy person would answer, e.g. "7". FULL STOP. SILENCE. Yeah... they've answered the question. But have they really achieved the asker's purpose of perhaps getting the ball rolling, starting a conversation, and perhaps getting to know the other person a bit more? No, not really.

But a non-shy person, in social situations, would say, e.g. "Oh, my favourite number is seven. Wanna know why? When I was young.... etc. etc. etc."

By doing this, not only has that person answered the question asked, but they have provided a lot of other information that the other person could potentially further ask about, comment on, or whatever.

I have also observed that even outgoing people find it hard to deliberately ask open-ended questions. But still, the case remains the same. A shy person, would try to answer the very question using as few words as possible, perhaps to limit the disclosure of information as much as possible. Of course, a non-shy person will elaborate a lot more.

Perhaps, the hardest things for a shy person to respond to, is a 'remark'. For example, "Oh, the weather is nice today." Or, "Last night was pretty fun."

For, 'remarks' don't specifically require a listener to respond. Shy people can just well... not respond. To the person who said it, it may appear that they're ignoring them. Well of course not! People need to understand that shy people are one of the better listeners out there, they ARE listening, although not showing the 'usual signs' of it. (e.g. eye contact / 'responding') Or, if they're like me, they'll probably just answer a monosyllabic "Yeah..." and that'll be the end of it. (For that is, after all, a pretty boring answer)

Things start to make more sense now.
I kind of understand why people use greetings like "How are you?" or "What's up?", or how they became established as greetings in the first place.

Notice that they're questions - they are really intended to get the ball rolling in a conversation, at least when in a clearly social situation. (I acknowledge that nowadays it's become so commonplace that if e.g. a cashier asks, it's a simple substitute for 'hello') If, even in a clearly 'social' situation, one simply says "fine thanks." or "nothing much"... well these answers pretty much deny the use of the above as conversation-starters, and of course, are 'boring' answers. Sure, the purpose of a simple 'greeting' was achieved, but that's where it ended.

All this has convinced me that yes, we possess multiple intelligences. All this stuff is, obviously, emotional or social intelligence - quite different from 'academic' intelligence involved in, say, maths. Yet - I must say - the joy of understanding something here is no less greater here than it is for traditional 'academic' knowledge.

Heh. Now, I think I am slowly starting to understand... the 'point' of socializing. Basically, despite what it may appear on the surface, socializing is... an exploration. A joint adventure, into the unknown. When we set out, we initially don't know what we will discover. Do we somehow know beforehand, what a great person X will turn out to be? Do we somehow know beforehand what conversations we will have? What we will learn? What we will find out? What we will enjoy? What ideas we share, or do not share? Of course not. Yet - in a way - this is all what makes 'socializing' all the more interesting and fun. This whole sense of unexpectancy. A voyage into the unknown.

It feels so good... beginning to understand all this. It feels like a haze starting to dissolve. And I guess, at the end of the day - true socialization arises from our genuine interest in other people, and what they have to say and do. A genuine desire to learn about other people - colloquially, 'getting to know them', as a dignified human being. After all, there is a lot we share - with pretty much everyone; 'the common basis of humanity', I call it. We are after all, a lot more similar than we are different, as humans. Thus, we can, to some extent, relate to one another, their experiences, their emotions, and their thoughts. If we couldn't do this, we wouldn't be able to have conversations, except the merest of 'informative' conversations (i.e., purely for information exchange) that we could otherwise have with a machine. In my view, it is precisely this emotional character that defines a conversation, and to a wider extent - the act of 'socializing'; without doubt, it is this common emotional dimension that makes human-to-human contact all the more cherisable.

I want to conclude with Bilbo's song, which he sings when he starts off on a journey. In a way, I think it succinctly summarizes the whole 'exploration' aspect of the Human Condition - that life, and indeed, socializing, is all about exploration.

* * *

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

The art of letting it all go

Another day passes and it's another day I am thinking about my shyness problem. It's hard on me emotionally to voluntarily think about a "problem" I have, when I can so easily "forget about" it. However I know there is no point in doing that since as soon as new social situations arise, I will be painfully reminded of my problem, like an age-old wound re-opening again and again. Also I understand the damages my life has suffered from me trying to simply "ignore" this problem. I've realised that turning a blind eye... isn't really the answer. At least so far, time and "growing up" haven't turned out to be remedies at all.

But then I wonder. I wonder. After all, we are free to wonder:

What if, what if... I could just let it all go ....

I start to realise, that an important part of my problem is... well... my unwillingness to change. My... 'secret' (or subconscious) desire to keep things at status quo. My... fear that, if I let go, I will never be the same again - that I will never be who I was again. That perhaps I would change to some alien being unrecognisable and far removed from my present self.

Yea, human beings are funny. Paradoxes, heh. The thing is, I want to get rid of my shyness. But, by that very definition, it implies change. And I am afraid of it. Even though I often hate every moment of it, I seem to be... 'comfortable' with my shy self.

An inertia.

I know that a lot of my problem stems from my lack of social skills, that I never acquired when others did as children. When others were playing with eachother, learning the nuances, twists and turns of social interaction, I was that kid reading books by himself. (lol)

However, from advice I've read, I also know that pretty much the best way to learn social skills is via exposure - and plenty of it, for me to observe others and practice, practice, practice.

Basically, I need a whole heap of 'social experimentation' to do, to get out there and see what works and what doesn't. Given enough trials, exposure, and experience, hopefully my brain will start to make the right connections, and I will start to understand things. Trial-and-error is a very crude way to learn, but by the looks of it, it's the only available way for me. (I could try out the fancy, $$$-requiring professional 'therapies'... but frankly, I don't have the money.)

I also know from other pursuits that... the whole point of practising is because you aren't perfect at doing it already. In fact... I view the whole act of 'practice' as 'making a whole lot of mistakes, then hopefully learning from them.' I know that mistakes are crucial. Often one learns a lot more from mistakes than from 'successes', and in a complex arena like social skills... I know that there are many, many, many mistakes and challenges one has to go through.

Given this, it's easy to see what's preventing me from actually going out there and trying to change, trying to socially experiment with myself. I am outright scared of the mistakes I will inevitably have to make as part of my learning process - of all the embarassments, of being snickered at, of being made fun of (behind backs most likely), of becoming an object of pity and shame, of becoming even more alienated / isolated than I already am, of perhaps not progressing despite all the effort I would make... worry that it may all be for nothing.

And of course, a fear of the unknown... a fear that, if I 'abandoned' my shyness, that myself, and my life, would 'change beyond all recognition'... it's like... throwing out a part of you forever into the void...

Yes. I am afraid. I am afraid to 'let go'. I am afraid of 'letting go who I currently am'. I am comfortable being who I am, despite all the problems. I don't know. Life is so paradoxical:

I hate my shyness, yet - in a way, I am 'proud' of who I am at the moment!

Oh, I can't believe I just said that. But it's true. Despite being alienated, I kind of treasure the fact that I can think so differently to other people. I enjoy being my unique self. Perhaps it's a coping mechanism I came up with, I don't know. But in a way, I embrace my shy, socially inept self.

Yeah, that kind of made me feel good.
But, but, but, but, but... at the same time, I can remember the oh-so-many times where I literally hated myself so much for having zero social skills and being shy.

***
Basically, this is how I stand, with regards to changing myself:

I don't want to become one of those chit-chatters... who ramble on and on...
I don't ... want to be the life of a party.
I don't want to gossip a lot.
I don't want to... 'hang out' too much, to the detriment of my soul. (I frankly... see youths just 'hanging out'... and it looks like a waste of time to me.)

Yet:

I do want to be able to have a proper conversation with anyone.
(This is a hard one:)
You know those group situations, where people just sort-of 'hang-out', joking and gossiping? Well, the thing is, I do understand that that sort of thing is the 'oil' of socializing, so, well... I don't want to be 'too awkward' in those situations either, but I also don't want to get too 'carried away'. I just want to be a 'socially reasonable' guy in that sort of situation where people won't regard me as 'weird'. It's a fine line that I'm not sure even exists.

I do want to not seem so awkward and uncomfortable in social occasions, and actually enjoy it.
I do want to follow the correct social mannerisms / customs / cues etc.
I do want to 'smoothly, seamlessly get on' with other people, without sacrifising my individuality. (Perhaps a very hard ask? I don't know... I am, after all, a very peculiar person ...)

(Heh, I must admit, it feels good specifying exactly what I want, rather than the vague 'I want to stop being a shy person'.)
***

Now, having some clarification: back to the crux of my argument - letting it all go.

Put it this way:
In dreams... I.. dream of 'going into the body' of another person. When I am them, I no longer am myself anymore (obviously... but this is a very important point!) Hence, I am not 'restrained', 'held back' by who I was. I can be whatever, whoever I want. I can feel free to experiment... I can be... 'free'! Do what I want, be what I want!

Basically, by 'letting go', I mean becoming like that, freeing yourself psychologically while, remaining in the 'body' of yourself.

'Letting' oneself go. Telling oneself that it'll be alright. In a way... not caring so much any more. Not caring constantly about how others think and judge you for your mistakes. Not caring that you aren't constantly living up to some perfectionist image of yourself. Not caring that you're making swathes of mistakes.

Basically:
It's lightening up. Taking life in easy-strides. Not taking life, oneself, social things, so seriously! One can experiment! One can try this and that! After all, we only have one shot at life. How we live it should be our decision.

'Loosening up'. Relax. It's all good. It doesn't matter! Stop being all serious and stuck-up about everything.

Yes.
This is a change in attitude.
I don't expect to suddenly become furnished with whole lot of social skills that make me no longer 'shy'.
No.
BUT.
What this attitude change does is put me on that long path of ... challenging oneself, experimenting with oneself.
And as I said, social skills comes with exposure.

Sigh. It's hard.
I ramble on here like this... yet when I think of what I will practically do in the real world... sigh. It's just sigh. So hard ... I don't know. Something just blocks me. I just can't... I ... I... I... just don't have the confidence to shatter that invisible barrier I put up against other people. I don't know why, I just do. FEAR. .... lack of confidence ...

Sigh. It's been good rhetoric anyway.

Why humans do anything at all

I was wondering why I was feeling so nihilstic nowadays.

I call it the great paradox: When we are busy, we long for rest, we long for leisure, we long to just spend all day relaxing. It is something we dearly yearn for in those times.

But, when that actually happens, well, pretty soon one gets bored. That sense of having nothing to do; no responsibility per se; no duty... is... rather paradoxically... somewhat depressing.

In a way, humans are rather simple creatures. Like horses, we like having a carrot dangling in front us, for us to chase. Sometimes, that carrot need not even be something... it's hard to say... truly worthy to us. We just need something, someone to motivate us, to simply... do something, and provide some sort of reason for us doing it.

Whether you want to admit it or not - humans find... contentment and a sense of achievement when they have to do something, and they do it. Yes, we enjoy accomplishing stuff.

But now, we come to the important question: of that carrot on a stick dangling in front of us.

In my view, it symbolizes, well, external motivation. For example, if someone forces you to complete a task. Or you just know you have to do something for whatever reason. (At the most basic level, it would be trying to earn enough money to have enough food, and a roof above one's head) Or it can be due to some very intense societal pressure. It can be something rather dire, where perhaps one's life is on the line.

In such cases... yes we are motivated. Yes, we can try our best. Yes, we can dedicate ourselves.
And believe it or not - we will feel a sense of accomplishment when we get that task done. We will be proud, we will be happy. And most certainly we won't be feeling nihilistic (For we have some sort of "purpose" in our life, however unfairly / involuntarily that "purpose" was imposed upon us; and, in my view, striving after such purpose to which one knows is something that needs to be done is well, worthy, at least in that behind-the-carrot vantage point)

Now, we come to the interesting part:

Perhaps one's "most basic" needs have been met.
Perhaps one feels one doesn't want to be "pushed-and-shoved" by society any more, and that what they want us to do, is not that worthy after all. Or perhaps some societal pressure that had been exerted upon us has been removed.
Perhaps one has, indeed, accomplished that task, that goal. It's over. It's done.

Yes. That external pressure is gone. That external motivation has gone. In fact...

The carrot dangling in front of us has disappeared!

The question one asks is: Now what do I do?

Of course, one can do nothing. It's rather easy to do nothing, and seems like the relaxing way out after pursuing something for so long. Yup.

But pretty soon, one will get bored of 'doing nothing' in particular. One won't exactly feel like they're 'wasting time'; (for what is the meaning of 'wasting' when one cannot see something worthy of doing?) rather, one will feel... bored. An emptiness.

Like a horse lost, knowing no where to go. (Although, in nature, no animals ever lack motivation; nature always provides them with something to do)

It is at this point, in my view, we come to the issue of internal motivation. What do we want to do, as a person? What do we think is worthy of pursuing, is worthy of our time, dedication, and commitment... our life? What do we voluntarily want to do?

This, in my opinion, is one of the hardest questions a human can ever ask.

Firstly, let me address what I mean by 'internal motivation'. By that I don't mean that the motivation itself comes purely from truly 'internal' factors. (which can only be genetic; like it or not, our values, likes, and thinking patterns are all influenced by the environment, our previous experiences, and knowledge: all of which, in the strictest sense, originated 'externally') Rather, by 'internal' I mean that no one is externally forcing us to do anything; if anything we're forcing ourselves to do something.

Now, we come to the hard part. What is worthy of doing in this world? What should we spend our time on?

Yes. It's hard.

We need information, we need exposure. And a lot of it. We need to know what is out there in the world. We need to know every job, every interest, every pursuit, every hobby, every goal - and perhaps, perhaps then - we will find something worthy.

Yet, alas, we arrive at another paradox - in many things, to find out whether it is truly worth doing, one needs to have done it already!!! Yup. So often, one may get into a pursuit, only to find out it gets 'boring' later on, or one simply doesn't find it 'valuable' enough. Reversibly, one may be not keen at all in the beginning; yet once deep inside it, one may find its true value.

If we had infinite time, I will travel down every road, every path, and at the end of long, long journeys, perhaps I will find what is truly worthy for me.

But the trouble is we don't have infinite time. We only have one... excruciatingly short lifetime. How can we travel every road in such a short lifetime? We can't. We can't. We simply can't.

They say in decision-making: information is very, very important. Yet here we are, as humans. Forced to make decisions with an incredibly small amount of information. Yup. It's hard. It's very hard.

This is why I cannot commit. This is why I cannot set a pursuit. This whole sense of... opportunity cost. This whole sense of... "if I choose one thing... I'll be missing out on so many other things!" And that whole anxiety of... "sure, I can get into this thing... but perhaps, perhaps, there is something out there in this wide world where I truly will find contentment? And that I am simply not aware of at the present?" This worry that... I may spend precious time of my life doing something that may not truly be for me.

Hence I cannot find much internal motivation at the moment. Hence, I feel so nihilistic. In fact... so much is my... I donno, indecision, that I've ended up doing nothing. Heh, the ultimate paradox. So many are (potentially) worthy pursuits in this world that I do none at all.

What is worthy in this world?
What is valuable in this world?

Let me be honest: I don't know. Yes, many things compete. But does one truly touch my heart and ring true? Sadly, nope.

And yes... without this required internal vindication to do something... my existance in honesty is rather spectre-like; I grudgingly do many things. Many things I do against my uncertain, wavering will. Many things I don't know about. Many things I'm not sure about. There are many times where, I don't 'really know what I'm doing', I'm just pushed and shoved about, like a half-asleep man amidst a busy crowd. Many times I make unwilling, or rather, uncommitted, steps. Yet all the while, time passes by, relentlessly flowing; mocking my indecision, mocking my confusion.

Surely, there's got to be something truly worthy. And it will be truly worthy when I vindicate it myself, when I can affirm it myself. Others can help me, they can influence me - but they can never, ever, 'force' me; for it is most wholly a question of what I want to do with my free will, a truly precious, miraculous gift we humans have.

I guess... some things just act as 'triggers' in people's lives. And once triggered, bam, they're gone, like a rocket. Nothing can stop them in their pursuit. They will, they can, push through every barrier put in front of them, for they have that burning fire, that burning motivation. No, not a carrot-on-a-stick, but an internal motivation - that truly powerful, unstoppable, form of motivation. It really is a blessing to have that sort of fire. A rare blessing.

* * *

Why am I having this crisis?

I will be honest -

I don't think I have entered myself into a pursuit I can be truly committed to. Hence I have doubts. I have regrets. I have worries. I feel I'm better suited for... other things. I donno. Perhaps I was faint-hearted. I bowed down to external pressures. Yet I'm still very uncertain to this day. Was it the right thing to do? ... I don't know ...

Other people ... are quite different to me in the way they go about things. They have different values, attitudes and priorities. They decide things differently.

It's troubling. What's important in this world. It really is. Especially when things go 'beyond' my... I hesitate to say it, for I am not entirely sure ... 'selfish' desires. I don't know though. I don't even know what 'selfish' means any more.

Yet... yet... can we have enough motivation... how much motivation can we have to act on others' behalf, on behalf of their, not our, internal interests?

Sigh. I don't know. This is the point where I question myself. Can I really live my life in others' behalf? Can, and why, would I be able to go suffering for others behalf? For, it is easy to suffer for oneself, to achieve one's own goals. But for others? For others? For others? ...
I don't know. I really don't. My mind gets numb...

Sigh. The question of what we want to do with our lives ...

I feel ... jealous when I look at some little children answer so quickly and confidently when asked the question, "what do you want to do when you grow up?" Heh. Do they realise, that perhaps this is indeed one of the most important questions they'll ever have to answer. Do they realise, that some like me have struggled with this question all my remembered life. Do they realise, that to do what they answer, and to bask in its true consequential contentment, they'll need all the internal motivation they can muster.

Perhaps, perhaps they do. Perhaps, in a very... indescribable part of their mind, they know the weight of their answers. Perhaps, it is that confidence that matters. As humans, we are all setting out for uncharted seas when we begin life. Perhaps the best attitude is not worrying too much about the ship we're on, but on what the great ocean holds for us. What awaits to be discovered.

But let me be honest:
I don't know.

Expectancy

I donno, sometimes one feels enticed to simply let it all down, let it all go, and dream.



Yes, I know reality says otherwise, I know that the dream is impossible, unreachable in the real world -



Yet I have the freedom to dream, to imagine, don't I ?



For the last freedom anyone can deny from one is their freedom of thought... be it a flightful, fanciful illusion, a striking impossibility, an unattainable mirage...



I dream that ...



There will be someone out there that can accept me for who I am, love me for who i am ...



Someone who will... guide me through wondrous intricacies and marvels;



an accompanying explorer in this great ocean of Life;



An inspiration; an enchanter...



Yes, I can dream...



I dream that I will be able to meet this person one day, somewhere ...



I dream that this person exists on this very planet -



I dream that of the six billion souls that grace this world



Surely,



surely



someone will be my dream ...



Call me an open book - a tabula rasa ...



Write in me whatever you want ... Reveal to me, show me, let me discover all that you have to say and tell ...



And perhaps



perhaps



Words will echo back from myself ... From whatever recesses of my soul you happen to uncover, both for yourself and myself ...



Perhaps you will touch in me something I never knew was there ...



Perhaps you can help light a fire inside, from embers I never realised ...



Perhaps you can tell me how beautiful this world really is...



Perhaps...

Life, friends, and academia.

Experiences

...

Seldom do I write directly.

But I feel I have enough experience now

To do so

Without being unassuming.

...

You were wrong

If you ever thought

That this place was full of any meaningful people...

They're just normal, normal, incredibly, archetypically normal people, who seldom think about any intriguing or meaningful things, always engaged in simple trivial matters, regarding simple other people, what people "say", how they "look" and other extremely, extremely trivial things.

And this place is sadly FULL of such shallow, hyperordinary people.

I hate the voices of girls now. I simply hate it; their mouths seem to have been invented for gossip, no more no less.

I'm happy I'm not returning here; apart from the simple accommodation, everything else was completely crap; an antithesis to everything that I wanted, a stark contrast to my ideals, what I aspired for, what I like, what I value, what I feel happy about.

Mortal beings delight in mortal pleasures; higher beings delight in higher pleasures. I don't want to be elitist but this is how I feel, and what I feel is warranted thinking after observing these shallow beings for so long- that they have little, "higher" things to offer if any.

Normal, normal, incredibly normal people.

It's been sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long since I've had a meaningful conversation about deeper things, about higher, grander things than triviality.

A mind is limited by its horizons; yet once expanded, it doesn't want to go back. This is how I feel - when I see these people with their petty, limited horizons...

Sad thing is, one can only have "meaningful" conversations with others whose horizons have similarly been expanded.

...

I donno, I just feel sad, and sorry too.
I miss an old friend I used to have, whom I could talk about things I liked with.

These people... are so far in between... like finding a jewel in miles of sand...

...

Now to my second... frustration:

What I'm studying.

It might be because I'm first year, or poor lecturers, or a combination of both.

The lectures just seem to be a waffle-fluffle about meaningless semantical blah-blah-blah with very few... "essence" if I should put it that way.

I like the hard sciences: physics. Chemistry. Mathematics.

Rigour. Logical brevity. little waffle-kaffafle... I loved that concept of elegance in mathematics, where brevity, simplicity, and grinding things down to their essence were treasured.

"Complexity", if any exists, should manifest itself; not tried to be "constructed" through waffling. Because... even as a student I can just simply see the so many flaws, sooooo many redundant yadda yadda, soo much meaningless effort to make things "PC", bureaucratic, etc. etc.

Strip away it all, man, strip it all away. I don't give a crap. Do they realise that so much things they say, are mere words?... so many so called "concepts" are mere labels that they invented which actually don't mean anything except semantical gibberish and a trivial attempt to appear more bureaucratic, and daresay, "academical", to the layperson?

Sigh, throw it all away. I don't want to learn gibberish.

I am sick of redundancy.

I am sick of incoherent, blatantly flawed logic.

I want to learn essence.

ESSENCE.

Things that are true and real whether you invent meaningless labels for them or not.

Please, give me some coherency in what I learn.

Fading... falling

When everything is being torn apart,

What do you do?

When everything is crumbling down

What do you do?

When the infallible seems no longer infallible;

When the concrete no longer seem concrete;

When the entire value-structure of your life is crumbling, crumbling, crumbling down

It's like.... fading out of a coloured photograph.

Everything

is being sucked out...

To me

Everything

Seems but a cacophany

rancour

Meaningless

motions

Hypocricy

Pointlessness

The human form

heh.

Such fallible

crap

biological

creatures.

...

Apes.

Not much different at all, at all, at all.

...

Have I said

That the world is unfair?

...

I go up

to a lone hill

and I find solace there.

It is a comforting solace,

a comforting vision.

The warmth

of solitude

embraces me.

The winds

of earnesty

whistle through me.

Whispers of leaves

Tell a truer tale

Than the rancour

Of humans

Here

alone

I need not worry

About the eyes of humans

The ears

The voices

For here

I can decide

Atop this hill

What is beautiful

What is important

What is meaningful

What is true.

And that

will ring true in me

and in this great nature

in it too.

Here,

I am safe;

I am away

from the noise of it all

The fury

of it all.

Solitude

Here

Is a blessing.

To be alone

truly is

a blessing.

As I see

the setting sun

the goldening sky

Feel

the whistling winds

Touch

The sturdy rock

Listen

To the subtle sounds

I know

That nothing

of human scale

can ever

come close to this.

This is real.

This is life.

This is what it means

to exist.

To feel all this.

To let it pass through

your being

To become one with it.

Alone.

Away from it all.

The glistening night stream.

The bright moon-light.

The dark green plains.

This

is real.

The Earth.

The sky.

This is real.

This is real.

This is real...