I HATE MYSELF

i hate myself, i hate myself, i hate myself,
I'm a loser, I'm a loser, I'm a bloody loser.
I suck I suck I suck I suck like shit
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO why has this world abandoned me???? why, why, why, I totally suck to the bones and I hate it like hell..
Man I suck like shit
I"m a loser, a bloody decrepid fool, I really am a bloody loser who bloody deserves no better.
I really hate myself. End of story

The meaning of purpose

The Perfect Human
An Essay

To philosophize may not be my best course of action. But being the pensive person I am.. to wander and roam through the vastness and the vagueness of the essence of things suits my style, my liking; thus I will continue.

The Perfect Human. The whole idea of progress… perfection…and to some degree, success. I cannot fail to doubt the meaning and purpose of all these things. Sure, if others may be reading this they may say: ‘It’s because you are a loser and such a non-perfect person that you doubt such things.. only those who are, in some way, winners can value and understand the meaning of such things..’

Such criticism hardly bothers me. What I care is about quenching my soul’s thirst - a deep longing, an innermost impediment somewhere within me that has long sought for my attention. So I’ll be direct, in doing so, my writing can be somewhat degraded, due to my unrestrained bluntness. I don’t care. All I want is to express myself, however crudely that may be.

What’s the purpose.
Just tell me. What is the purpose of progress? What is the purpose of success? …
There are no answers, I know that, or else everyone would know it by now. Or am I the only one who doesn’t know? Who knows. There is no reason, no incentive… O, I don’t know, I’ll get straight to the point.

Life is a zero-sum game. We are born from nothing and we return to nothing. I can illustrate this by the following allegory. We are travelers from point A to point A. Life is everything that happens in between, but we must realize that we end up where we started. Even once one achieves something in life, e.g. fame, money, etc etc.. all footprints of oneself.. they will hardly last forever. Time can be ever-so-harsh on these things. Within a few thousand years 99.99999999999% of all individual existence will be forgotten… you might as well have never existed. This is why life is a journey from point A to point A. What happens in between hardly matters..

Or does it? … History is shaped by individuals… suddenly I just had an image of president Bush. Something in my mind clicked.. asking maybe someone like him would not have a life that begins and ends at the same point.

Now this collides with my weakest weakness: my weakness. O.K. O.K. let’s say in every one hundred years there will at least be one person who will be remembered for quite a few future generations.. This is too lofty an aim.. to dream-like, even for me.. forget about it. Unless you get on top of the world, you will not be remembered. (If you’re wondering I’m having a fierce internal conflict within myself about what I should write)

So is this why people try? I don’t think so. Famous people lead hardly perfect lives. Plus let’s do the maths.. in the c. 6 billion people in the world, who will be remembered for a considerable amount of time? Around 100, at most?

If this is a lofty aim for me, I think it will be a lofty aim for others. Or is it? Are they influenced by exactly an image of this, if somewhat differently, or is there a totally different, strong motive behind their drive for progress, success and human-perfection, which I have not noticed yet?

I have no idea.

Now I will really start talking about my weaknesses.

Could it be jealousy.
Pure jealousy.
I don’t know.
If it is, my mind has successfully deceived me. But I am willing to believe in such deception. Could I be so embarrassed about my weakness that I begin to question the meaning of strength? I don’t know. Could I be just a loser who wants to find resort in such arguments? I don’t know.

O.K., I’ve chastised myself, audited myself, now back to business.

I’ve strayed considerably from what I was going to talk about…



I’m a loser who is so out of touch with reality.
Can someone please help me……… reality has become so fragile for me.. almost as if I could break it…. At this very moment reality is shimmering in front of my eyes…… can someone please help me and bring me down to earth..

a contemplation of our walk in life

Humans who don't know beauty..
who don't bother looking for inner peace and bother trying to make a sense of this world;
Humans who can't make sense of things; don't know the DEEPER meaning of things at all...

This is all competition is creating. Such meaningless automatons whose only purpose is to do well in a competition and get to their destination.

It's as if those losers are high-speed, straight-line, get-there-or-nothing travellers on the road of life. They never bother to look at the flowers on the road, "wander" and "stroll" through life, enjoying every part of it, the beauty, the sense, the meaning of it all; perhaps having a stop and taking in their surroundings; perhaps deviating from the main path at times, like a butterfly, to look at those things that satisfy one's soul..

Thinking of all these things and more, it makes me wonder which is more worth it, more meaningful, more truthful. Zooming in a high-speed chase through life, or enjoying every bit of it while you can? In the end, what is there? Life is a zero-sum game.. we start from nothing, and we end at nothing.. or do we? I don't think winning a competition where you co-ordinate every part of you for that purpose, ruthlessly ruling out anything that isn't important to that purpose, working like a perfect robot to achieve that purpose... I just don't think that's a way to live life. It's so shameful.. worthless.. in the end even if you do achieve whatever you were aiming for, I think you will just feel empty, broken, saying, "Is this it? Is this what I have spent so much of my time and energy into, dedicated my whole life to, and this is it?".. I believe this will be such a common ending to those high-speed travellers.

On the other hand, there are those "wanderers" through life... sure they won't feel the meaninglessness in the sense that the high-speed travellers feel at the end of their journey. For they had no aim in the first place; and they try to find meaning within life.. not from its destination, but in the process of getting there.. wherever life takes us. Personally I desire this sort of lifestyle a whole lot more. It is such a refreshing view of life.

We are all travellers. There's no doubt about that. How you live, it matters a lot. We live in such a macroscopic world, and it is so stuffed full of microcosm that sometimes you can' t comprehend it all..

Human behaviour is so interesting and predictable. At most times one can almost vouch that humans will act in the logical, and the most profitable way (to them) as possible. This starts getting a bit complicated once deception comes into the play - it is still logical behaviour, yet has the veneer of anti-logic - instead of travelling in the shortest path possible, they travel on a longer path, perhaps in an order to fool others. A very simple and elementary example of "deception" and "complexity" in human behaviour is of "taking one step backwards in order to advance two steps forward." If we look at taking a step backward in itself, it may seem like an illogical behaviour, assuming everyone is aiming to go forwards. Yet if taking a step backwards is taken under context - if it is the only way to advance forwards - then it all starts making sense, our longing for a logical explanation will be satisfied.

I believe this is what happens in the wider world, but in a far, far, far more complex sense... such complexity can go infinitely deep.

I marvel at the amount of logical thinking present in human civlizations. On the outside, this may be covered by the usual veneer of normality, a thick cloud of 'emotions' (which in itself, I believe, is quite logical - at times it may seem illogical, however I believe this is due to the 'complexity' logic can acquire as I explained above, and the slight differences in the logical mechanisms of everyone, which could have been influenced purely by their nature, education, culture, surroundings, etc) and an 'expectance' one has about one's environment. Yet if one develops a different attitude - that of curiosity, and wonder, at one's environment, then one starts noticing how logical us human beings really are. (though at many times other people may hardly meet one's expectations in terms of 'logic')

So much logical thinking is involved from the smallest of things to the largest... it's so amazing... if we allow 'logic' and 'order' to be synonymous, then wow.. gee... the wonder of this world really strikes you, as one not only finds that they're present in human activity but that it is all around us, in nature itself, in everything...

I don't want to go back to anthropologic principles or anything. They take the beauty, the sense of wonder out of it all. I mean, we see the world around us in the way it is because we were born in such a world. What kind of a dull explanation is that?

Why the hell do I think so differently to other people!!

At first, of course, I thought it was a blessing.

Thinking differently to others allows you to examine things in a new, (or your own), perspective; you can come up with original ideas and expressions. See the world and its constituents in a whole new light.

You may think up of something that no-one else has ever thought of before.. or they just didn't look at it that way.

I know, I know, "on the outside" such thinking is valued... they say science would not have developed without such thinking... blah blah blah

But really, "on the inside", the world values conformists more - those that think as they're told, don't bother being original, and be.. to be honest, disgusting in the way they think.

All the trouble I go towards trying to make others understand what I'm thinking... I know at this pace it will be practically impossible for anyone to grasp the way I think. I really, really wish that we communicated by telepathy... It would be so much convenient... and plus our thinking will become so much more important! O how everyone will value how we think and really get to know those who think differently to them!

I interpret things so differently to others... yet when I examine it in my own right... it is correct, logical, understandable... I can recall others feeling that at my thoughts too, saying "hey! why didn't I think of that before?"

But of course, such original thinking is trash in this world of right-and-wrong where so many things are decided by the "majority-thinking". Original thinking, at very best, will only serve as an "interesting insight"; not as the "answer". Not to be patronising, but what if the world had it all wrong? I mean, isn't "majority-thinking" at average-level intelligence??? Isn't it why it is called "majority"???("average" would not be "average" unless it represented the "majority")

Before Galileo asserted that the world spun around the sun the "majority" believed otherwise, and I believe, within their own logical systems and ways of thinking, such other ways of explanation would have seemed believable, understandable, feasible. (I still enjoy the fact that there are still people who think Galileo is wrong(who knows?), and their ideas are not completely incomprehensible. At least they both ironically share the fact that they're against the "majority" and are still happy about it)

However, however, however.

It's not all progress and innovation that results from original thinking.
In fact, such a picture hardly represents reality, and unfortunately, we don't "hear" about such reality a lot. (but I can see many people do understand it and are able to live in it)

The reality is that whilst 1 % of original thinking may be useful, 99% of it are those that we do not hear about, are laughed, ridiculed at, and simply ignored as nonsense.

In fact that is the problem I think, and in that sense, I am scared of the way I think.

The line between originality and crazyness/nonsense is so thin... in fact if one dwells there too much one frequently crosses that line.. in fact the line may become invisible to them... nonexistent... at which stage one becomes crazy.

Ah, so many great minds that have crossed that line!!!! G. Cantor; v. Gogh..

In fact I still think many people do... it's all around us..

ABSTRACT ART

I myself am not a fan of it for the very reasons I have just opposed.
I now realise, that such art could provide a "suitable" visualization of the way I think..
...
Anyway, I think so differently to others, it's so annoying... when people misinterpret you.. and you misinterpret them..

Interpretations, it's all about that isn't it? Maybe I don't have a good grasp on language very well... maybe the whole point we learn language at school is so we can interpret how others think, in the way they think.. even if it may not necessarily be the way you think...

But I guess, the worst part is when you have to fake it...
When you are forced to pretend to think like others do in order to express your own thoughts..
This very idea is what makes me angry, so annoyed.
We should have more freedom than this...
We should be able to express ourselves in the way we think inside our brains..
..
whether it be understandable to others or not.
....
P.S. The joys of blogging... one need not care whether others understand them or not ;)

Follow what you love, or be punished

No punishment hurts more than that coming from what you love the most.

The beauty of a child's innocence

Upon conflicting values yet again do I return here.
The adult world is so plagued with rottenness...
Progress and development has backfired... look what those things without a pure direction has landed adults in.
Deceit. Lies. Suspicions. Money. Various types of self-justified "success."
That's all they talk about, think about.
They lose the innocence that is so uniquely human that only, so heartbreakingly, belongs to children.
Here I am, on the virge of childhood and adulthood.
From here, I can look into both directions.....
and I can assure you, unlike what my peers would say, I think the childhood is far more colourful and true. From here it's a bleak downhill roll.
Now I can emphasise with so many children's authors.
Peter Pan... Phillip Pullman...
They know, that once we get into the adult world......................................
That nothing is as pure and true as childhood.
........................
Why do we age?
The sort of examples of "adults" I see hardly encourage me to become like them.
It questions me why one must turn from a child to an adult.
Why degrade oneself from so perfect and innocent a form to a deceitful and meaningless a creature?
Maybe it's the saddest fate everyone has to acquiesce.
......................................................................
Adult's world... so full of meaninglessness..... so self-justified
So stuck up in the race for better survival......... that valueable qualities that they all once possessed as a child are forgotten... ignored......... totally desensitised, their life becomes a dull shade of grey.
Frankly, I don't know why they live.
....
I would love to see adults weak.
That's why I love watching people in wars and disasters.
It brings their true self out... especially adults from their reserved masks.... I love to see faces of desperation... at least it is honest... I would do anything to see a genuine smile or a tear from an adult... at least it will be honest...... So much deceit... in this world...
...
They say a person becomes a child three times in their life.
One, when they're a child. Two, when they have their first baby, and realise how valueable a thing they're missing out on in their bleak lives. Three, when they become old, nearing the end of life's journey, and see that, after all that, all those adult-things are meaningless; that a child's imagination can bring more joy than a billion dollars for an adult.
.................................................................................................
Please, can someone stop the cogwheel of time... please, please.....T.T I don't want to become a dirty adult myself and forget all these valuable thoughts I had as a child... please, please...

Prejudice

.............
How thick can it get?
How many veils must our eyes shed before we can see the world... properly?
...........
so much, so much, prejudice is ripe in this world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
makes me so sick...
If I ever thought I was prejudiced.. well I was rightly mistaken
The degree to which others are prejudiced in this world is so sick it just make me wanna vomit
It's so disgusting... prejudice..............
All they can think is in their own perspective, in their shitty ways, unwilling to accept any new, flexible ways of thinking....... just stuck in their own egoistic ways of thinking.. purely disgusting
...............
That is why I love "pure" literature
where people are "truthful" about this world...
"honest" about themselves, and this world, admitting that they know such a little about themselves and this world... that things are a lot more profound than what they may seem at first glance... and the fact that this world is far from an idealistic utopia which no-one really needs but is rather a very unique place in its own precious way... that many a connection can be made where no man has ventured before...
I donno... I just seem to like these new ways of thinking... at least it is far better than prejudice-muddled, disgusting ways in which some people think......
---------------
I donno... is it the essaic education, the emphasis on debating, the evermounting pressures we get in having to self-rationalise, self-justify oneself? The endless emphasis society puts on a rigid and strong "SELF"? Could this all be blameable for those stubborn, prejudice-ridden people who just can't seem to change the way they think, to accept or at least try to think in the perspective of others?
.........
I mean, all this makes me remember a "talk" I had with this dude - it was funny how he was trying to force me into a dichotomy so that our discussion could be polarised, and that our opinions could then "clash"... he evidently enjoyed such clashes... but I didn't... I'm disgusted by those sorts of arguments when one knows one is evidently wrong (or in severe cases, they don't) but one keeps arguing for one's EGO'S SAKE..
.........
I think true bravery lies not in forcing one's opinion or views into others but in accepting one's own fallacies and BEING CONVINCED by others. It requires far more courage and bravery to BE CONVINCED than to convince... for it may require humiliation, self-denial and self-contradiction, even a re-look at, or the re-construction of, one's own values. This is a tough call for many people and they fail to do this. Thus, their prejudices remain, and stay with them as they live their lives. A pitiful reality really.
.. I mean, within one second that guy begun, I was immediately convinced by his ideas and immediately withdrew what I was saying.
....
That flabbergasted expression of his, of not being able to have another heated, prejudice-ridden argument ... an empty victory that he couldn't savour.. that image is something I will never forget. It is also something that I secretly find amusement at, whenever I see replicas of him all around the world... people trying to fuel their ideas into one another like it was worth all the world and more, trying to say only their opinions are valuable.. ........ smirk.

P.S. not only do I hate dichotomy, but I hate those who try to be "clever" and resort instead to trichotomy (lol) - "black" "white" "shades of grey", I mean, hello? what's the difference... it's only a tool for you to justify what you're saying.. why does it matter........
I've grown so tired of those sorts of arguments that they just fail to interest me... the way people overuse them really... its a shame.. in essence they could have been interesting concepts...

Quote

'For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief.'
- Ecclesiastes 1:18

I am lost

I don't know what to do.
The world seems so large.
I don't know where I should take myself.
I don't know what others are doing.
...........................................................................
Where should I take myself?
Where should I be?
........................................................
Things that once pleased me give me not a droplet of happiness
I want to find my place in this world

What will other's be doing right now?
Their lives will be so full, so engaging, so full of life, full of plans, full of the future, full of success
And here I am....................... completely at a lost at what I should do

Worrying about the future can be a very morbid thing to.
I wish God could freeze time for me......

The idea of "opportunity cost" is a very depressing idea indeed.
In fact..... thinking of this idea pretty much results me in doing nothing..
For if I do something... then at that moment I won't be doing another... and that would be time flown by.

And here I am lost, lost, lost, lost, completely lost.
I can't think...... seriously I can't decide, I can't do anything
Only shadowy, depressing, threatening thoughts come to my mind..
.........This world is so large........ and I'm so smal................

And we have such a small amount of time to live in.....
..................................I wish there's time
TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME
It's always about time isn't it?

TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME

TIME IS GOLD
TIME IS MONEY
TIME NEVER RETURNS
TIME GOES FAST

YOUR LIFE WILL ZOOM PAST U B4 U'VE BLINKED UR EYE

Yes........................ they may be wise words..
But to me they might as well be death letters...... I just don't want to face those words...
Whenever I see those words I cower... I look away... I try to forget about it.. I try to think it's not real........................................................................

The thing is, I can't do anything for the fear the I could be doing something else at that time....

And this pretty much puts me at a loss of what to do.

And thus, I do nothing, and time goes by, and I'm left where I am, a weak loser.

.....

I seriously can't make my mind up to do anything

All roads seem to require enormous amounts of time-commitment to a reward that is so small..

And I know that this world is so large that somewhere in this world will be something that I could do that will be a better use of time than whatever I do now

....................................................................................................................................................
Time
I'm shackled by time, governed by time.
Frozen by time, beaten up by time, left in shambles by time.
.......................................................................................................................................................

I mean, the reality is, I could be doing something else right now!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could be catching up on a very heavily-scheduled day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yet I'm at a loss at the value of everything...
and whether anything will be worth the time I invest in it...
.............................................................................................................................................................

Can someone give me time,
so much time that I could try everything in this world,
be everything in this world.....
in fact be the best in everything in this world..
time, time, time, time..................... our lives are so, so, so, short................................................
Whatever happens after death (it will probably be like a sleep that u never wake up from... an eternal oblivion).......... what matters is what I do with the time I have now

Yet time is so scarce, decisions so many!!!!
....................

Nothing consoles me now
Nothing can forget me thinking about time now.
It's all over my mind, I won't stop thinking about it until I've decided what I'll do with it

O choices, choices, choices!!!!
Whence did freedom become such a burden?

I'm the type of person who enjoys following orders.
Giving my best within limited parameters;
Making choices between a manageable number of them through logic..

Yet TOTAL FREEDOM is something I've never really expected, come to grips with, in my life.
So many opportunities are open that... ............ ..... I simply can't make any choices.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwww........ how painful is the wound of regret?
All these thoughts make me seriously regret the way I've spent time in some days in my life;
Yet....... I can't seem to come to a better solution... or gain enough motivation to..... spend it in any way better....... They all seem so pointless.................................................................................
Sorrow and pain. They go so well together. For that's what I feel.
Can someone tell me what to do?
I can swear I'll be the best at it....... for I'll dedicate all the time in my life to it.
But of course...... I'll be missing out on millions of other opportunities in life.


This dilemma weakens me, saddens me
And all the while I am aging....... time continues to flow
...........................................................................................................................
If I were granted one wish in the world, it would be that :
Time would stop, yet life would go on.
LOL. How arrogant is such a wish! How mistaken!!!
...................................
I remember a saint's prayer:

God grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference.
.........
I am weakened, dismayed by this enormous task I'm facing......
And I again, I leave today with no answers

I loathe thee

................................................................................ I've been dreaming all my life
I used to always complain that other people are inadequate, that they didn't think like me, that they couldn't understand me.......
well that was pure arrogance
Now I've waken up and looking around I see so many others giving everything... with A LOT of depth and maturity in the way they think and live.

And Here I am................. this wretched fool who knows no better than them.

The case of my life is weird.
I thought that I was always ahead... ...
Yet with lame excuses like "coming in contact with reality" "conforming to be like others" "trying to lead a normal life"
I DEGRADED MYSELF COMPLETELY; I LOWERED MYSELF!
NO, this was no humble act or anything flash like that - it was the pure act of throwing oneself into the gutter.
What I didn't know was......
........ that I would be stuck there.
From UP THERE, this position may look interesting... completely logical, sensible, it seemed that most of the world was in this position was anyway.
How mistaken I was,
How naive I was,
How foolish I was.
Never do you realise that until you actually stoop down to this level, you really experience how fortunate you were when you were UP THERE.
Only when you have muddled up, do you really realise the value of organisation and self-control.

Now I hate myself.
I absoultely loathe myself for being such a foolish loser.

Yet what can I do !!!!!
If I were to hate someone else... I could kick them... yell at them.. ignore them...
Yet how can one hate ONESELF? ......
I have to live with such a decrepid self 24/7... imagine being with someone you hate for every second in your life...
......
I'm a loser. I SUCK.
I wish more people could hurl insults at themselves.
That would make the world such a better place.

Why does the world have to be this way?

Miles of confusion wash over me as I feel the full force of my new knowledge of the scale of this world
and the very real sense I feel as me, as an individual, living upon this world inhabited by so many, unfathomable number of people;
all doing their best in their respective localities... all striving for a better life...
I always thought terms like "success"; and "progress" were rather too vague -
Now I realise that I have been the idealistic one - to many people these are real things, real feelings that they work for, live for, die for;
I have seen the haze of a world that one's ego... arrogance... MISUNDERTANDING ABOUT THE WORLD can take them;
I have been dreaming way too much... way out of touch with reality......
Like an angel with broken wings... I only realise it was all a worthless dream, a haze, when I hit the cold stone ground...
And look around me... only to find others way ahead of me........................ far, far away in their own life..

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS WORLD.
I am arrogant. Completely and utterly arrogant, stuck up in my own world....
Wondering why there were so many mismatches.. mistakes... paradoxes.. in my own world..
ONLY TO REALISE OTHERS LIVE IN A COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY DIFFERENT WORLD to that of mine...
And that I've been wasting thousands of hours of time
Living in a world where I was everything, I was the main character, others were just minor characters supporting my role; my comfort was everything, I thought my success would be guaranteed... and any mistakes were not part of the true "me"... and that I would always be able to bounce back up... that I had fair chance... that the world will open up opportunities for me...
WELL TIME TO WAKE UP BOY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY WAKE UP !!!!
.................................................................................
And then comes the silence.
The depression.
The despair.
The sorrow.
That why does the world have to be this way?
Why, why, why?
............................................
There are no answers......
...................
So much competition..............................................................................................................................................
And then there is the question, the question all people on their knees inevitably ask :
What's the point of trying? What's the point? Others have their lives so perfectly fine-tuned like a machine; they are gifted, talented, rich, powerful, loveable...
And here I am, a decrepid No-body, useless to society, useless for anything.. just another random person living in their own locality... just another random firefly in the myriad of fireflies .. no one will hardly notice as it flickers and fades away...
........................................................................... I wish tears were falling down my cheeks now... but they're not.......
21st Century..
Is it one of the easiest centuries to live in?
Or isn't it?
There are no more wars (as in, serious), better medicine, longer life expectancy, no slavery, a lot more knowledge about this world.. better "aid" stuff....
but really........................................................... is it any better place to live in than any other century?
I mean honestly... I ask this question a lot....
What would I have been like if I was born in some other time... some other place?
Would I be experiencing the dearth of happiness I feel now......... or would there be something more to it?
I don't know...................
.................................................................... I feel that the modern world contains just as much sadness
as the other centuries.........................................................................
Yet a lot of this is hidden...... stashed up somewhere far, far away in people's self... too busy with the meaningless
going-ons of the 21st century............ until they reach a state like me.........
...................
I can find no answers..........
Things are too complicated................................................................................................................

Why should they care

An Essay of A Troubled Mind - Part II 12-4-05
Nothing better to do........
The collapsing pillars of my life.
Forgery. Lies. Deceit. Hypocricy.
Ignorance.
The wheels.. the cogs of my life.. are failing.......
No longer is there integrity.. perfectness..
Shame. Despair. Loneliness. Hopeless.
My life is no longer worthy
I hold nothing truthful
There is no meaning.. no point.. in me being alive
No one cares.. no one bothers.. I'm just doing my own thing.......
I'm living in a world of my own...
and why should they care anyway about a wretch like me