I guess quite a bit of it is cultural, but at the same time, a lot of it is not.
For we all share a lot of common ground, as humans.
And now that I am more observant and care a lot more about social situations, things start to make a little bit more sense.
Of course, it helps tremendously if one's baby-step social foreys are supported by others - namely, those that one is trying to socialize with. If they have an open heart, a welcoming attitude - all the more easier it will be for the social newcomer to learn the 'social ways' and navigate himself in an unfamiliar territory.
And as for requiring more confidence - I put it this way - "putting your heart out there".
Instead of trying to... shyly keep to yourself, just... revealing yourself, revealing what you're thinking, revealing what you have to say. Just throwing it all out there. Don't be afraid. Let others examine your heart, what you have to say. It's all OK.
When I hear people say... "oh, I don't know what to say"... or "I can't think of anything to talk about" ...
Of course they have something to talk about. Humans are infinitely creative creatures. Everyone has thoughts regarding some things.
I think it's more the case of "Will it be ok to say this?" or, a subconscious whispering of "I'm a shy person, I'm not supposed to talk much. I am afraid of what will happen if I say this. It's just not 'me'." In most cases, despite having a lot that could be said, we just... hide it away. We may even become so good at this that, with such an attitude, we do it subconsciously - hence our conscious mind comes to the conclusion - "I have nothing to say."
So, what do I call as having confidence in speech? Simple. The ability to answer close-ended questions with something other than a monosyllabic answer.
I slowly start to understand now. Many close-ended questions, in social situations, aren't really asked to obtain the close-ended answer as an end. Rather, they're intended to make the answerer elaborate, provide more information than 'strictly necessary' - which in turn hopefully gets the 'ball rolling'. Here's an example of a close-ended question:
Q. What's your favourite number?
Here, a shy person would answer, e.g. "7". FULL STOP. SILENCE. Yeah... they've answered the question. But have they really achieved the asker's purpose of perhaps getting the ball rolling, starting a conversation, and perhaps getting to know the other person a bit more? No, not really.
But a non-shy person, in social situations, would say, e.g. "Oh, my favourite number is seven. Wanna know why? When I was young.... etc. etc. etc."
By doing this, not only has that person answered the question asked, but they have provided a lot of other information that the other person could potentially further ask about, comment on, or whatever.
I have also observed that even outgoing people find it hard to deliberately ask open-ended questions. But still, the case remains the same. A shy person, would try to answer the very question using as few words as possible, perhaps to limit the disclosure of information as much as possible. Of course, a non-shy person will elaborate a lot more.
Perhaps, the hardest things for a shy person to respond to, is a 'remark'. For example, "Oh, the weather is nice today." Or, "Last night was pretty fun."
For, 'remarks' don't specifically require a listener to respond. Shy people can just well... not respond. To the person who said it, it may appear that they're ignoring them. Well of course not! People need to understand that shy people are one of the better listeners out there, they ARE listening, although not showing the 'usual signs' of it. (e.g. eye contact / 'responding') Or, if they're like me, they'll probably just answer a monosyllabic "Yeah..." and that'll be the end of it. (For that is, after all, a pretty boring answer)
Things start to make more sense now.
I kind of understand why people use greetings like "How are you?" or "What's up?", or how they became established as greetings in the first place.
Notice that they're questions - they are really intended to get the ball rolling in a conversation, at least when in a clearly social situation. (I acknowledge that nowadays it's become so commonplace that if e.g. a cashier asks, it's a simple substitute for 'hello') If, even in a clearly 'social' situation, one simply says "fine thanks." or "nothing much"... well these answers pretty much deny the use of the above as conversation-starters, and of course, are 'boring' answers. Sure, the purpose of a simple 'greeting' was achieved, but that's where it ended.
All this has convinced me that yes, we possess multiple intelligences. All this stuff is, obviously, emotional or social intelligence - quite different from 'academic' intelligence involved in, say, maths. Yet - I must say - the joy of understanding something here is no less greater here than it is for traditional 'academic' knowledge.
Heh. Now, I think I am slowly starting to understand... the 'point' of socializing. Basically, despite what it may appear on the surface, socializing is... an exploration. A joint adventure, into the unknown. When we set out, we initially don't know what we will discover. Do we somehow know beforehand, what a great person X will turn out to be? Do we somehow know beforehand what conversations we will have? What we will learn? What we will find out? What we will enjoy? What ideas we share, or do not share? Of course not. Yet - in a way - this is all what makes 'socializing' all the more interesting and fun. This whole sense of unexpectancy. A voyage into the unknown.
It feels so good... beginning to understand all this. It feels like a haze starting to dissolve. And I guess, at the end of the day - true socialization arises from our genuine interest in other people, and what they have to say and do. A genuine desire to learn about other people - colloquially, 'getting to know them', as a dignified human being. After all, there is a lot we share - with pretty much everyone; 'the common basis of humanity', I call it. We are after all, a lot more similar than we are different, as humans. Thus, we can, to some extent, relate to one another, their experiences, their emotions, and their thoughts. If we couldn't do this, we wouldn't be able to have conversations, except the merest of 'informative' conversations (i.e., purely for information exchange) that we could otherwise have with a machine. In my view, it is precisely this emotional character that defines a conversation, and to a wider extent - the act of 'socializing'; without doubt, it is this common emotional dimension that makes human-to-human contact all the more cherisable.
I want to conclude with Bilbo's song, which he sings when he starts off on a journey. In a way, I think it succinctly summarizes the whole 'exploration' aspect of the Human Condition - that life, and indeed, socializing, is all about exploration.
* * *
The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.
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