i hate myself, i hate myself, i hate myself,
I'm a loser, I'm a loser, I'm a bloody loser.
I suck I suck I suck I suck like shit
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO why has this world abandoned me???? why, why, why, I totally suck to the bones and I hate it like hell..
Man I suck like shit
I"m a loser, a bloody decrepid fool, I really am a bloody loser who bloody deserves no better.
I really hate myself. End of story
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
The meaning of purpose
The Perfect Human
An Essay
To philosophize may not be my best course of action. But being the pensive person I am.. to wander and roam through the vastness and the vagueness of the essence of things suits my style, my liking; thus I will continue.
The Perfect Human. The whole idea of progress… perfection…and to some degree, success. I cannot fail to doubt the meaning and purpose of all these things. Sure, if others may be reading this they may say: ‘It’s because you are a loser and such a non-perfect person that you doubt such things.. only those who are, in some way, winners can value and understand the meaning of such things..’
Such criticism hardly bothers me. What I care is about quenching my soul’s thirst - a deep longing, an innermost impediment somewhere within me that has long sought for my attention. So I’ll be direct, in doing so, my writing can be somewhat degraded, due to my unrestrained bluntness. I don’t care. All I want is to express myself, however crudely that may be.
What’s the purpose.
Just tell me. What is the purpose of progress? What is the purpose of success? …
There are no answers, I know that, or else everyone would know it by now. Or am I the only one who doesn’t know? Who knows. There is no reason, no incentive… O, I don’t know, I’ll get straight to the point.
Life is a zero-sum game. We are born from nothing and we return to nothing. I can illustrate this by the following allegory. We are travelers from point A to point A. Life is everything that happens in between, but we must realize that we end up where we started. Even once one achieves something in life, e.g. fame, money, etc etc.. all footprints of oneself.. they will hardly last forever. Time can be ever-so-harsh on these things. Within a few thousand years 99.99999999999% of all individual existence will be forgotten… you might as well have never existed. This is why life is a journey from point A to point A. What happens in between hardly matters..
Or does it? … History is shaped by individuals… suddenly I just had an image of president Bush. Something in my mind clicked.. asking maybe someone like him would not have a life that begins and ends at the same point.
Now this collides with my weakest weakness: my weakness. O.K. O.K. let’s say in every one hundred years there will at least be one person who will be remembered for quite a few future generations.. This is too lofty an aim.. to dream-like, even for me.. forget about it. Unless you get on top of the world, you will not be remembered. (If you’re wondering I’m having a fierce internal conflict within myself about what I should write)
So is this why people try? I don’t think so. Famous people lead hardly perfect lives. Plus let’s do the maths.. in the c. 6 billion people in the world, who will be remembered for a considerable amount of time? Around 100, at most?
If this is a lofty aim for me, I think it will be a lofty aim for others. Or is it? Are they influenced by exactly an image of this, if somewhat differently, or is there a totally different, strong motive behind their drive for progress, success and human-perfection, which I have not noticed yet?
I have no idea.
Now I will really start talking about my weaknesses.
Could it be jealousy.
Pure jealousy.
I don’t know.
If it is, my mind has successfully deceived me. But I am willing to believe in such deception. Could I be so embarrassed about my weakness that I begin to question the meaning of strength? I don’t know. Could I be just a loser who wants to find resort in such arguments? I don’t know.
O.K., I’ve chastised myself, audited myself, now back to business.
I’ve strayed considerably from what I was going to talk about…
I’m a loser who is so out of touch with reality.
Can someone please help me……… reality has become so fragile for me.. almost as if I could break it…. At this very moment reality is shimmering in front of my eyes…… can someone please help me and bring me down to earth..
An Essay
To philosophize may not be my best course of action. But being the pensive person I am.. to wander and roam through the vastness and the vagueness of the essence of things suits my style, my liking; thus I will continue.
The Perfect Human. The whole idea of progress… perfection…and to some degree, success. I cannot fail to doubt the meaning and purpose of all these things. Sure, if others may be reading this they may say: ‘It’s because you are a loser and such a non-perfect person that you doubt such things.. only those who are, in some way, winners can value and understand the meaning of such things..’
Such criticism hardly bothers me. What I care is about quenching my soul’s thirst - a deep longing, an innermost impediment somewhere within me that has long sought for my attention. So I’ll be direct, in doing so, my writing can be somewhat degraded, due to my unrestrained bluntness. I don’t care. All I want is to express myself, however crudely that may be.
What’s the purpose.
Just tell me. What is the purpose of progress? What is the purpose of success? …
There are no answers, I know that, or else everyone would know it by now. Or am I the only one who doesn’t know? Who knows. There is no reason, no incentive… O, I don’t know, I’ll get straight to the point.
Life is a zero-sum game. We are born from nothing and we return to nothing. I can illustrate this by the following allegory. We are travelers from point A to point A. Life is everything that happens in between, but we must realize that we end up where we started. Even once one achieves something in life, e.g. fame, money, etc etc.. all footprints of oneself.. they will hardly last forever. Time can be ever-so-harsh on these things. Within a few thousand years 99.99999999999% of all individual existence will be forgotten… you might as well have never existed. This is why life is a journey from point A to point A. What happens in between hardly matters..
Or does it? … History is shaped by individuals… suddenly I just had an image of president Bush. Something in my mind clicked.. asking maybe someone like him would not have a life that begins and ends at the same point.
Now this collides with my weakest weakness: my weakness. O.K. O.K. let’s say in every one hundred years there will at least be one person who will be remembered for quite a few future generations.. This is too lofty an aim.. to dream-like, even for me.. forget about it. Unless you get on top of the world, you will not be remembered. (If you’re wondering I’m having a fierce internal conflict within myself about what I should write)
So is this why people try? I don’t think so. Famous people lead hardly perfect lives. Plus let’s do the maths.. in the c. 6 billion people in the world, who will be remembered for a considerable amount of time? Around 100, at most?
If this is a lofty aim for me, I think it will be a lofty aim for others. Or is it? Are they influenced by exactly an image of this, if somewhat differently, or is there a totally different, strong motive behind their drive for progress, success and human-perfection, which I have not noticed yet?
I have no idea.
Now I will really start talking about my weaknesses.
Could it be jealousy.
Pure jealousy.
I don’t know.
If it is, my mind has successfully deceived me. But I am willing to believe in such deception. Could I be so embarrassed about my weakness that I begin to question the meaning of strength? I don’t know. Could I be just a loser who wants to find resort in such arguments? I don’t know.
O.K., I’ve chastised myself, audited myself, now back to business.
I’ve strayed considerably from what I was going to talk about…
I’m a loser who is so out of touch with reality.
Can someone please help me……… reality has become so fragile for me.. almost as if I could break it…. At this very moment reality is shimmering in front of my eyes…… can someone please help me and bring me down to earth..
Saturday, October 15, 2005
a contemplation of our walk in life
Humans who don't know beauty..
who don't bother looking for inner peace and bother trying to make a sense of this world;
Humans who can't make sense of things; don't know the DEEPER meaning of things at all...
This is all competition is creating. Such meaningless automatons whose only purpose is to do well in a competition and get to their destination.
It's as if those losers are high-speed, straight-line, get-there-or-nothing travellers on the road of life. They never bother to look at the flowers on the road, "wander" and "stroll" through life, enjoying every part of it, the beauty, the sense, the meaning of it all; perhaps having a stop and taking in their surroundings; perhaps deviating from the main path at times, like a butterfly, to look at those things that satisfy one's soul..
Thinking of all these things and more, it makes me wonder which is more worth it, more meaningful, more truthful. Zooming in a high-speed chase through life, or enjoying every bit of it while you can? In the end, what is there? Life is a zero-sum game.. we start from nothing, and we end at nothing.. or do we? I don't think winning a competition where you co-ordinate every part of you for that purpose, ruthlessly ruling out anything that isn't important to that purpose, working like a perfect robot to achieve that purpose... I just don't think that's a way to live life. It's so shameful.. worthless.. in the end even if you do achieve whatever you were aiming for, I think you will just feel empty, broken, saying, "Is this it? Is this what I have spent so much of my time and energy into, dedicated my whole life to, and this is it?".. I believe this will be such a common ending to those high-speed travellers.
On the other hand, there are those "wanderers" through life... sure they won't feel the meaninglessness in the sense that the high-speed travellers feel at the end of their journey. For they had no aim in the first place; and they try to find meaning within life.. not from its destination, but in the process of getting there.. wherever life takes us. Personally I desire this sort of lifestyle a whole lot more. It is such a refreshing view of life.
We are all travellers. There's no doubt about that. How you live, it matters a lot. We live in such a macroscopic world, and it is so stuffed full of microcosm that sometimes you can' t comprehend it all..
Human behaviour is so interesting and predictable. At most times one can almost vouch that humans will act in the logical, and the most profitable way (to them) as possible. This starts getting a bit complicated once deception comes into the play - it is still logical behaviour, yet has the veneer of anti-logic - instead of travelling in the shortest path possible, they travel on a longer path, perhaps in an order to fool others. A very simple and elementary example of "deception" and "complexity" in human behaviour is of "taking one step backwards in order to advance two steps forward." If we look at taking a step backward in itself, it may seem like an illogical behaviour, assuming everyone is aiming to go forwards. Yet if taking a step backwards is taken under context - if it is the only way to advance forwards - then it all starts making sense, our longing for a logical explanation will be satisfied.
I believe this is what happens in the wider world, but in a far, far, far more complex sense... such complexity can go infinitely deep.
I marvel at the amount of logical thinking present in human civlizations. On the outside, this may be covered by the usual veneer of normality, a thick cloud of 'emotions' (which in itself, I believe, is quite logical - at times it may seem illogical, however I believe this is due to the 'complexity' logic can acquire as I explained above, and the slight differences in the logical mechanisms of everyone, which could have been influenced purely by their nature, education, culture, surroundings, etc) and an 'expectance' one has about one's environment. Yet if one develops a different attitude - that of curiosity, and wonder, at one's environment, then one starts noticing how logical us human beings really are. (though at many times other people may hardly meet one's expectations in terms of 'logic')
So much logical thinking is involved from the smallest of things to the largest... it's so amazing... if we allow 'logic' and 'order' to be synonymous, then wow.. gee... the wonder of this world really strikes you, as one not only finds that they're present in human activity but that it is all around us, in nature itself, in everything...
I don't want to go back to anthropologic principles or anything. They take the beauty, the sense of wonder out of it all. I mean, we see the world around us in the way it is because we were born in such a world. What kind of a dull explanation is that?
who don't bother looking for inner peace and bother trying to make a sense of this world;
Humans who can't make sense of things; don't know the DEEPER meaning of things at all...
This is all competition is creating. Such meaningless automatons whose only purpose is to do well in a competition and get to their destination.
It's as if those losers are high-speed, straight-line, get-there-or-nothing travellers on the road of life. They never bother to look at the flowers on the road, "wander" and "stroll" through life, enjoying every part of it, the beauty, the sense, the meaning of it all; perhaps having a stop and taking in their surroundings; perhaps deviating from the main path at times, like a butterfly, to look at those things that satisfy one's soul..
Thinking of all these things and more, it makes me wonder which is more worth it, more meaningful, more truthful. Zooming in a high-speed chase through life, or enjoying every bit of it while you can? In the end, what is there? Life is a zero-sum game.. we start from nothing, and we end at nothing.. or do we? I don't think winning a competition where you co-ordinate every part of you for that purpose, ruthlessly ruling out anything that isn't important to that purpose, working like a perfect robot to achieve that purpose... I just don't think that's a way to live life. It's so shameful.. worthless.. in the end even if you do achieve whatever you were aiming for, I think you will just feel empty, broken, saying, "Is this it? Is this what I have spent so much of my time and energy into, dedicated my whole life to, and this is it?".. I believe this will be such a common ending to those high-speed travellers.
On the other hand, there are those "wanderers" through life... sure they won't feel the meaninglessness in the sense that the high-speed travellers feel at the end of their journey. For they had no aim in the first place; and they try to find meaning within life.. not from its destination, but in the process of getting there.. wherever life takes us. Personally I desire this sort of lifestyle a whole lot more. It is such a refreshing view of life.
We are all travellers. There's no doubt about that. How you live, it matters a lot. We live in such a macroscopic world, and it is so stuffed full of microcosm that sometimes you can' t comprehend it all..
Human behaviour is so interesting and predictable. At most times one can almost vouch that humans will act in the logical, and the most profitable way (to them) as possible. This starts getting a bit complicated once deception comes into the play - it is still logical behaviour, yet has the veneer of anti-logic - instead of travelling in the shortest path possible, they travel on a longer path, perhaps in an order to fool others. A very simple and elementary example of "deception" and "complexity" in human behaviour is of "taking one step backwards in order to advance two steps forward." If we look at taking a step backward in itself, it may seem like an illogical behaviour, assuming everyone is aiming to go forwards. Yet if taking a step backwards is taken under context - if it is the only way to advance forwards - then it all starts making sense, our longing for a logical explanation will be satisfied.
I believe this is what happens in the wider world, but in a far, far, far more complex sense... such complexity can go infinitely deep.
I marvel at the amount of logical thinking present in human civlizations. On the outside, this may be covered by the usual veneer of normality, a thick cloud of 'emotions' (which in itself, I believe, is quite logical - at times it may seem illogical, however I believe this is due to the 'complexity' logic can acquire as I explained above, and the slight differences in the logical mechanisms of everyone, which could have been influenced purely by their nature, education, culture, surroundings, etc) and an 'expectance' one has about one's environment. Yet if one develops a different attitude - that of curiosity, and wonder, at one's environment, then one starts noticing how logical us human beings really are. (though at many times other people may hardly meet one's expectations in terms of 'logic')
So much logical thinking is involved from the smallest of things to the largest... it's so amazing... if we allow 'logic' and 'order' to be synonymous, then wow.. gee... the wonder of this world really strikes you, as one not only finds that they're present in human activity but that it is all around us, in nature itself, in everything...
I don't want to go back to anthropologic principles or anything. They take the beauty, the sense of wonder out of it all. I mean, we see the world around us in the way it is because we were born in such a world. What kind of a dull explanation is that?
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Why the hell do I think so differently to other people!!
At first, of course, I thought it was a blessing.
Thinking differently to others allows you to examine things in a new, (or your own), perspective; you can come up with original ideas and expressions. See the world and its constituents in a whole new light.
You may think up of something that no-one else has ever thought of before.. or they just didn't look at it that way.
I know, I know, "on the outside" such thinking is valued... they say science would not have developed without such thinking... blah blah blah
But really, "on the inside", the world values conformists more - those that think as they're told, don't bother being original, and be.. to be honest, disgusting in the way they think.
All the trouble I go towards trying to make others understand what I'm thinking... I know at this pace it will be practically impossible for anyone to grasp the way I think. I really, really wish that we communicated by telepathy... It would be so much convenient... and plus our thinking will become so much more important! O how everyone will value how we think and really get to know those who think differently to them!
I interpret things so differently to others... yet when I examine it in my own right... it is correct, logical, understandable... I can recall others feeling that at my thoughts too, saying "hey! why didn't I think of that before?"
But of course, such original thinking is trash in this world of right-and-wrong where so many things are decided by the "majority-thinking". Original thinking, at very best, will only serve as an "interesting insight"; not as the "answer". Not to be patronising, but what if the world had it all wrong? I mean, isn't "majority-thinking" at average-level intelligence??? Isn't it why it is called "majority"???("average" would not be "average" unless it represented the "majority")
Before Galileo asserted that the world spun around the sun the "majority" believed otherwise, and I believe, within their own logical systems and ways of thinking, such other ways of explanation would have seemed believable, understandable, feasible. (I still enjoy the fact that there are still people who think Galileo is wrong(who knows?), and their ideas are not completely incomprehensible. At least they both ironically share the fact that they're against the "majority" and are still happy about it)
However, however, however.
It's not all progress and innovation that results from original thinking.
In fact, such a picture hardly represents reality, and unfortunately, we don't "hear" about such reality a lot. (but I can see many people do understand it and are able to live in it)
The reality is that whilst 1 % of original thinking may be useful, 99% of it are those that we do not hear about, are laughed, ridiculed at, and simply ignored as nonsense.
In fact that is the problem I think, and in that sense, I am scared of the way I think.
The line between originality and crazyness/nonsense is so thin... in fact if one dwells there too much one frequently crosses that line.. in fact the line may become invisible to them... nonexistent... at which stage one becomes crazy.
Ah, so many great minds that have crossed that line!!!! G. Cantor; v. Gogh..
In fact I still think many people do... it's all around us..
ABSTRACT ART
I myself am not a fan of it for the very reasons I have just opposed.
I now realise, that such art could provide a "suitable" visualization of the way I think..
...
Anyway, I think so differently to others, it's so annoying... when people misinterpret you.. and you misinterpret them..
Interpretations, it's all about that isn't it? Maybe I don't have a good grasp on language very well... maybe the whole point we learn language at school is so we can interpret how others think, in the way they think.. even if it may not necessarily be the way you think...
But I guess, the worst part is when you have to fake it...
When you are forced to pretend to think like others do in order to express your own thoughts..
This very idea is what makes me angry, so annoyed.
We should have more freedom than this...
We should be able to express ourselves in the way we think inside our brains..
..
whether it be understandable to others or not.
....
P.S. The joys of blogging... one need not care whether others understand them or not ;)
Thinking differently to others allows you to examine things in a new, (or your own), perspective; you can come up with original ideas and expressions. See the world and its constituents in a whole new light.
You may think up of something that no-one else has ever thought of before.. or they just didn't look at it that way.
I know, I know, "on the outside" such thinking is valued... they say science would not have developed without such thinking... blah blah blah
But really, "on the inside", the world values conformists more - those that think as they're told, don't bother being original, and be.. to be honest, disgusting in the way they think.
All the trouble I go towards trying to make others understand what I'm thinking... I know at this pace it will be practically impossible for anyone to grasp the way I think. I really, really wish that we communicated by telepathy... It would be so much convenient... and plus our thinking will become so much more important! O how everyone will value how we think and really get to know those who think differently to them!
I interpret things so differently to others... yet when I examine it in my own right... it is correct, logical, understandable... I can recall others feeling that at my thoughts too, saying "hey! why didn't I think of that before?"
But of course, such original thinking is trash in this world of right-and-wrong where so many things are decided by the "majority-thinking". Original thinking, at very best, will only serve as an "interesting insight"; not as the "answer". Not to be patronising, but what if the world had it all wrong? I mean, isn't "majority-thinking" at average-level intelligence??? Isn't it why it is called "majority"???("average" would not be "average" unless it represented the "majority")
Before Galileo asserted that the world spun around the sun the "majority" believed otherwise, and I believe, within their own logical systems and ways of thinking, such other ways of explanation would have seemed believable, understandable, feasible. (I still enjoy the fact that there are still people who think Galileo is wrong(who knows?), and their ideas are not completely incomprehensible. At least they both ironically share the fact that they're against the "majority" and are still happy about it)
However, however, however.
It's not all progress and innovation that results from original thinking.
In fact, such a picture hardly represents reality, and unfortunately, we don't "hear" about such reality a lot. (but I can see many people do understand it and are able to live in it)
The reality is that whilst 1 % of original thinking may be useful, 99% of it are those that we do not hear about, are laughed, ridiculed at, and simply ignored as nonsense.
In fact that is the problem I think, and in that sense, I am scared of the way I think.
The line between originality and crazyness/nonsense is so thin... in fact if one dwells there too much one frequently crosses that line.. in fact the line may become invisible to them... nonexistent... at which stage one becomes crazy.
Ah, so many great minds that have crossed that line!!!! G. Cantor; v. Gogh..
In fact I still think many people do... it's all around us..
ABSTRACT ART
I myself am not a fan of it for the very reasons I have just opposed.
I now realise, that such art could provide a "suitable" visualization of the way I think..
...
Anyway, I think so differently to others, it's so annoying... when people misinterpret you.. and you misinterpret them..
Interpretations, it's all about that isn't it? Maybe I don't have a good grasp on language very well... maybe the whole point we learn language at school is so we can interpret how others think, in the way they think.. even if it may not necessarily be the way you think...
But I guess, the worst part is when you have to fake it...
When you are forced to pretend to think like others do in order to express your own thoughts..
This very idea is what makes me angry, so annoyed.
We should have more freedom than this...
We should be able to express ourselves in the way we think inside our brains..
..
whether it be understandable to others or not.
....
P.S. The joys of blogging... one need not care whether others understand them or not ;)
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