Opening up, and sharing.

When I envisage myself, I see a person clinging onto what they have with dear life. I see a person cringed in a corner, hugging their knees, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. Not letting go. Not sharing. Clutching everything for myself. I see those tightly, tightly clenched fists, a tightly closed heart. I see my eyes looking away.

By doing that, I build an invisible, inapproachable wall around myself. I mark myself as 'out of bounds'. By doing this, I reject others.

Why? Let's be honest. I am scared. I don't know what other people are like. That sense of unknown scares me. I am scared that they will touch my delicate self, and I will shatter like ice. I am suspicious of others. I don't trust others. I don't think I have anything worthy to say. I think I am too weird. I think I am too different.

In the face of others I see myself shrink away. I see myself as completely inadequate, unworthy, uncompatible, unacceptable. I feel completely unconfident, that I will do everything wrong. I feel that all I'll ever do is just make a fool of myself.

I feel that I don't have anything worthy to share, to bring to the table.

So - given all this, all I want to do is hide away, run away... from others.

* * *

I need to open up.
I need to unchain the shackles holding my heart shut.

I need to stop being completely freaked out by other people.
I need to stop being so scared by them.

Once I'm not so... scared anymore,
I will be able to "confidently" wear my heart on my sleeve.
I will be able to open up.
I will be able to freely talk.

I will be able to feel confident in talking about anything with anyone.
I will be able to talk more.

Because I won't be trying to judge every word I say before it even comes out of my mouth.
Because I will be able to vocalise my thoughts without being too self-critical.

Ultimately... it's all about sharing.

Sharing. Sharing. Sharing.

Opening up.

Knowing that you do have things to contribute.
Knowing that you can do it.
Having that confidence to share.

Sharing requires courage. It requires bravery.

Because when you share...

You let loose a part of yourself out in the world.
Knowing that it's all O.K.

I just realised, something important in how we function is giving permission for oneself to do something.

I can feel that... deep down, I haven't allowed myself to have light conversations.
I haven't allowed myself to talk about trivial matters for the sake of getting to know other people.
I haven't allowed myself to talk unnecessarily about anything.
I haven't allowed myself to open up more, to share more.

I have set a limit on how much I can say. I have blockaded myself. I will need to shatter that blockade.

I know that really deep down, I disapprove of talking a lot. Although I want to, I... for some reason, disapprove of it. I disapprove of "unnecessary" talk, of saying more than strictly necessary.

I will need to get rid of this disapproval, to say that it's O.K. - that it is desirable to talk a lot. That it is desirable to speak your mind. That it is desirable to share one's thoughts - even if it's not "correct" "conforming" or whatever.