The dreaded group-socialising

I find that one-on-one interactions with people are much eaiser than group socialising. When it's one-on-one, I find that people are much more genuine; they aren't there "trying to impress others", so to speak.

Also when it's one-on-one, the pace and the content of any interaction will quickly be "tailored for the pair of you". I have noticed how rapidly the other person "adapts" to the sort of person I am. They quickly realise that I am a shy, quiet person, and so adjust themselves and the interaction accordingly. Thus, even if the interaction turns out "awkward" (which as someone with SA is 99% of social interactions anyway), you feel a bit better because you know the other person has at least tried to pry you open.

Contrast that with the dreaded group-socialising, which to me is a completely different beast. I just find it well, chaotic, hectic and bewildering. Suddenly a whole lot of new priorities come into play, namely each person tries to impress the group, and tries to show that they 'fit in' with other members of that group. Exchanges shoot across all over the place; the topic of talk changes rapidly; someone cracks a joke, everyone laughs, another person says something, everyone laughs again...

And how does one feel amidst all that? I feel like a lost child, an orphan at a busy intersection. You observe people busily shooting past you. You just feel completely lost, and alone. That is how I feel within group situations.

It's funny. I never feel loneliness when I'm alone. I feel incredible loneliness when I'm with a "group" of people.

Conversation is ALL about responding

Here is a truth that no one tells you yet is so very true.

Conversation is all about responding. THAT is what differentiates a conversation from an interrogation.

Conversation is about not ignoring or ‘passing over’ what they have just said – it’s about following it up. Follow it up, follow it up, follow it up, follow it up.

The following is one of the worst things you can do in a conversation:

A: Speaks about something.

B: “Oh ok.” Then a big silence, or asks about something completely different disjointed and unrelated to what Person A has just said.

You see doing that is terrible in a conversation. Conversation is NOT a “frantic search” on your behalf of thinking of what to ask next. Rather it’s all about responding. When the focus is on responding rather than “running down a checklist” – that is when things will happen naturally.

As scary as it sounds – it is only when we let go of that metal bar holding you back to the shore – and be swept away by conversation – that true conversation occurs. It is all about responding. ALL about responding.

And this is where the art of conversation comes in. The fact that you are continually responding does NOT mean you “abandon your own agenda”; no – your agenda is always at the back of your mind – however, it should not be made ridiculously overt like in an interrogation. Things should flow “naturally”; how do you make things flow “naturally”? By RESPONDING. Conversation is ALL about responding. I just want you to get this straight to begin with, and we’ll add the details later.

Conversation is like a game of tennis – you hit the same ball back and forward. A conversation goes like this – you “serve” the ball (with an open question). They then reply to you (hit the ball back, with an “answer”, a “story” or a “comment”). What do you do next? No, you don’t let the ball just fly past you with some feeble answer like “oh ok”. You hit THAT ball back. A reply to their reply. You DON’T serve them a “completely new ball”.

This is what I mean – when I say conversation is all about responding. Responding to what they have said, responding to how they are feeling. It is when your mind is set on responding that any emphatic responses will come naturally and not be contrived.

Don’t be afraid, that because you are always responding that you will not ‘cover your grounds’ – of course you will. Of course you will. But it’ll just all happen more naturally. Conversation is ALL about responding.

Follow up, follow up, follow up, follow up. We all know that in your heart, you do not ignore everything they’re saying. But as the other person, they don’t know whether you’re ignoring them or not. That is why we need to follow up – to make it overt that we have LISTENED to what they have said, and that we are responding.

Conversation is all about responding. You might think that you only need to respond should they ask a question. That is not true at all! You should respond to ANYTHING they say – not just those that end in a question mark.

You see – what differentiates a stilted, unnatural conversation, to that of a natural, flowing, emphatic conversation – is whether you are continually responding to what they’re saying or not.

People are complex. In order to show that you care, you must respond. You could have a heart of gold but if you never respond they will not know anything. Conversation is all about responding.

No one can be denied of happiness - no, no one.

People think it’s impossible to be happy when you are disabled. When you are impoverished. When you are sick. When you are alone. When you are inferior. When no one likes you. When you are severely disfigured.

But you see – that is a merely a thought, a perception – and one that can be most certainly be broken.

I have seen happiness in -

The poorest of people

The most disabled

The most alone

The most sick

The most ‘inferior’

The most disfigured

You see, such things are but appendages of who we are. Who are we to say – that such things should stop one from experiencing happiness? Of course we cannot say that. Because life is greater. It’s so much greater than the shackles that society likes to put around us, the boxes, the limits. They say we cannot be happy – well let me tell you – oh yes we can, oh yes we can.

It is society’s sin of attributing unhappiness that is wrong. That is depressing – in fact, it acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy to those people.

Well let me tell you a self-fulfilling prophecy that’s much better – no one can be denied of happiness. No, no one. Society might think that someone cannot be happy. But that’s what society thinks. No one can deny an individual from being happy.

You see, in order for criticism to hurt, it requires your consent. In order for mockery to hurt, it requires your consent. In order for labelling to hurt, it requires your consent. It is when you start believing society’s labels, expectations and attributions that things actually start hurting. It is when you deny such beliefs that – voila – one can be happy with who one is.

You have every right to be who you are, and be happy with it.

What is hope?

As long as you have hope

All is possible

In the darkest of times

As long as you have hope

You know there is life in this world

When you remember forgotten beauties

When those forgotten emotions come back to you

And you suddenly remember

That the world wasn’t always so bad after all…

When you play that song

You just realise that

Things that are crushingly challenging

Are also immensely beautiful too

You are a brave guy, you really are

Taking on things that are really hard for you

I applaud you for that – I really, really do

I respect you for that

Only I know the hardships you go through

And I really respect you for that

And I know there is hope in this world

There is no such thing as an impossible thing

They are simply made by barriers that we erect in our hearts

When we tear down those barriers

You just realise

What a bright place this world is after all

The world only grows darker, and smaller, by barriers that I create

By roofs that I create to block out the sun

When really

The world isn’t so bad at all

When those happy memories flood back to me I realise

There is more to me than I define for myself

There is more to life than the way I define it;

There is more to this world.

Like a ray of light shining through a door open ajar

There is more to it…

Why is the valley of despair so despairing?

If that valley becomes everything, if it consumes you. If you can no longer think outside of that valley. Then it swallows you. The valley becomes the world, the world becomes the valley.

Under such situations, what is hope?

Hope is like a ray of light shining down the star-lit sky

Telling you that the valley isn’t everything

That the world is a greater place.

The road goes ever on and on - Life as a Quest

What a boring story would it be to tell

Of a life perfect, with no gaffes, with no mistakes, with no shame.

Life is a quest

With all its

Tribulations and trials

Mistakes and shame

Failings and misfortune

Have you heard of that phrase –

Life goes on

On this road many trials await us

Yet life goes on

It is a quest to be pursued

By ill-prepared, ill-equipped individuals;

Nonetheless; ‘tis a noble quest; an epic journey, a road to be travelled

Yes, there will be setbacks, yes, there will be pits of agony

The road to heaven is paved with thorns and crosses

Life goes on – and so does the quest

We may think “it is over”

Yet when we realise, we are still in possession of that quest

We know life goes on

Thus it is with eager hearts we resume our journey

Because we know

Our journey is too great to end here

The road goes ever on and on

Why should we give up? Why should we lie down, just because we have experienced a few setbacks? A few doses of misfortune?

I remind myself – ‘tis the narrative of life; ‘tis life’s story

And the quest leads us on

Through all that is thrown us; through all that we must endure; through all that we must bear; through all that we must summon courage to face

Through the darkest recesses, the loneliest of caverns, the coldest of winters; the pangs of pain

The journey continues; the quest of life reveals what’s in store for us

And we grow, grow, we grow – our mistakes, our most valuable mirrors; our failings, our most precious experience. As time passes, we grow wiser – from all those mistakes we have beared; from all the pain we have endured. And we continue to pursue that quest.

And so we write down our epic tale, of fortune and misfortune, of joy and sorrow, of laughter and tears, of warmth and cold. Our quest leads us on and on, and our tale grows and grows.

Life is a journey, a road to be travelled, a path to be trodden.

The quest continues to lead us on. It is because of that ever-present quest, that at any point in the journey I do not sit down and wallow in despair – because I know the quest goes on. No matter what happens, the quest goes on. And I am happy for it. Because I know it goes on. Because I know it is not the end of me. Because – because you know, you know – that there is more inside you – and the quest is a reassurance of that. That these were merely setbacks. The quest goes on. And so does myself.

With eager foot, I step on that road again. The road goes on and on, and so shall I.

The Ugly Duckling

There was nothing inherently wrong with the ugly duckling. But in a world that was so different to who he was, all he could do was question. Is there something wrong with me? What is wrong with me? Why are others treating me this way? Why am I so different to everyone else? Why can’t I be like everyone else?

The ugly duckling felt lonely. Alone. He just couldn’t understand the world around him. He saw no hope. He was all by himself. Everyone was so different. He could not understand anyone. No one could understand him. Nothing made sense. Why me, he thought. Why this cruel fate.

Others found the ugly duckling puzzling. They stayed away from him. He was too different. Too out-of-this-world. Too alien. They didn’t know what to do with him. They could not relate to him.

Through many lonely days and nights the ugly duckling lived. Always feeling out-of-place. Always feeling disconnected. Always feeling alone. He could not understand. He longed to understand, but he could not. It just didn’t make sense. He tried to be like the others. But he couldn’t. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t change who we was. He continued to be that ugly duckling. That mutant. That aberration. That mistake of nature. He felt alone.

Life became an act for the ugly duckling. He tried to quack like the other ducklings – but it never came out like he wanted it to. He tried to copy the others – yet often it just failed miserably. He cried. He didn’t know why life was like this. He didn’t know what he was doing wrong. He didn’t know why he couldn’t be like the others. He was trying, oh yes, he was trying. He was trying like never before. But nothing could change who he was. He cried, and cried.

As the duckling grew older he became good at mimicking the others. But he just knew that really, he was different. Too different from these others. So he felt alone, terribly alone. His glaringly different appearance earnt him many questioning, puzzled looks – from those that were nice; and many indignancies, jibes and mockeries from those that were not. The duckling just continued to cry. This wasn’t what he wanted from life. Yet what could he do? How could he change who we was?

No one saw the swan in the ugly duckling.

The ugly duckling withered away, never realising who we was, never realising all that he could have been.

***

Let us swap sides for now. If we were the other ducklings – and we find someone so “different”. It is easy to discriminate; it is easy to be miserable to that ugly duckling. You are “normal”; he is “abnormal”. You are “healthy”; he isn’t. You “belong”; he doesn’t. It is easy to just let him cry to sleep by himself. It is easy to just let things be. It is easy to just say “oh well, he’s just a miserable mutant, why is it any of my business” and forget about it. It is easy.

So many people’s beautiful lives are quashed like this because they are “different” in some way. They are banished and forgotten. No one sees past the differences. No one sees hope. No one sees anything good coming out of those that are different to them. Difference = bad.

It is easy to label the ugly duckling as ugly and call it a day. No one sees past the ‘ugliness’ of the ugly duckling. No one sees all that he could be and can be. No one sees the unique ways in which that ugly duckling can contribute to their society. No one sees what unique perspectives the ugly duckling might be able to provide. No one sees what unique talents the ugly duckling might possess that may benefit them all. No one sees what wonders the ugly duckling might be able to show them.

Or worse – they might ‘see’ such things, but actively suppress them. Because they are scared and afraid. They want the status quo. This ugly duckling becoming a part of their lives is a frightening concept. They don’t want that to happen. So they banish the ugly duckling. They obliterate the ugly duckling from their minds.

It takes courage to nurture that ugly duckling. To see the ugly duckling as more than being just ‘ugly’. It takes courage, and strength, to see past difference. It takes courage to embrace him. It takes courage to see the good in him. It takes courage to ask the ugly duckling to be all that he can be. It takes courage for us to give the ugly duckling a chance. A chance at life.

And then – then – perhaps then –

Suddenly we realise him transforming to a swan right before our eyes

Not because anything inherent about him changed

But because the way we perceive him has changed

And we accept him, embrace him as a part of us –

A unique part of us.

Atop the cliff

Standing atop the cliff here I am. Looking out over the sea. I breathe in the ocean air. The wind flitters through my hair.

Here I am. 200 meters above the sea. Here I am. Betwixt turmoil and trouble, here I am. A lone statue gazing towards infinity. Atop the hill, here I am. The wind batters me. The salt sears my skin. Here I am. The whispering grass is my company, the roaring wind is my accomplice. Here I am, in betwixt a grey sky and a stretching horizon.

I feel the wind battering me. I feel it rush through every inch of my skin. The only sound to be heard is the whistling wind and the crashing waves. Not a soul in sight, not a life in sight. Here I am. Myself and nature. Here I am. How more fundamental can you get. Here I am, standing atop the cliff. Here I am, gazing out afar. Here I am.

Miseries forgotten, troubles left behind. Here I am, standing atop this cliff. The wind is my catharsis, the waves are the killers of my woe. This is where I stand, this is where I am. And it is in this desolace one revels. Here, thousands of miles away from the nearest soul, one finds what it means to be oneself. Here, facing nature alone, one finds the true nature of life. Here, here, here, atop the cliff. Inches away from the waters below, here one finds the meaning of life. Here, here. Not anywhere else – but here, amidst this wind, amidst these waves, amidst these rolling grass – here one finds company, here one finds what it means to be. I have not felt more alive before. As the wind batters me I feel the blood course through my veins.

Away, away, away from it all! Here! Yes, I am finally here! I am gazing out, towards the endless ocean, to all that lies ahead. Yes, here! Behind me, lies all that came before, the miseries and woes of civilization, of all that and more. But they lie all behind me; what is evident right now is the wind on my skin, and the crush of the waves. Here, I define life. Here, I define what it means to be. It is my decision. It is in my control. Here, as the wind soars through who I am, I feel more alive than ever. It is the ecstacy of being who you are, against nature and nature alone.

The wind is refreshing. The life is empowering. Here I find who I am. Here I realise who I am. This is life. So long as you have a beating heart – that is life. All else is excess – needless excess. I bathe in the gushing rain. My skin is cleansed by nature’s force. I relish it, I cherish it. This is real – THIS is real.

I open my eyes. The sun is rising over the horizon. I feel bliss like I have never felt before. I feel that in order to be – I just need a beating heart. That is all. All else is how we make of it. All else is excess.

Nature and me. Me and nature. Nothing else. I have never felt in my place so much before. I have never felt such belonging ever before. Suddenly, I can breathe with the land beneath my feet, the ocean that lie before me. Suddenly, they come alive, they are more real than anything I’ve seen before. This is real. This is real. And I feel free. Free. Alive.

The Fire of Life

Indescribable

That is the word

That is the word I was looking for

Just undescribable until you’ve seen it

Just undescribable until you’ve experienced it

Just undescribable until you’ve felt it

So let me take your hand

Take you on a journey

To show you the indescribable

Always show – never tell

That is the task of the poet, the artist

Magic exists

In our hearts

Wonder exists

So long as we don’t block it out

Hope exists

It all exists!

It is only our task to accept it

As long as your mind stays open

It’s like lighting a fire

Perhaps, at the start, it is a guided action

But whoosh once it starts – it burns, it gains a life of its own!

The fire doesn’t have to think about what it’s doing;

Rather, it dances with the whim of its own

It lets free, it lets go

And so is life

Start the fire

And let the fire burn

Let it take on a life of its own

Don’t try to control it too hard

It is beautiful

It is the spark of life

Vivace

Hope

As long as you have hope

All is possible

In the darkest of times

As long as you have hope

You know there is life in this world

When you remember forgotten beauties

When those forgotten emotions come back to you

And you suddenly remember

That the world wasn’t always so bad after all…

When you play that song

You just realise that

Things that are crushingly challenging

Are also immensely beautiful too

And I know there is hope in this world

There is no such thing as an impossible thing

They are simply made by barriers that we erect in our hearts

When we tear down those barriers

You just realise

What are bright place this world is after all

The world only grows darker, and smaller, by barriers that I create

By roofs that I create to block out the sun

When really

The world isn’t so bad at all

When those happy memories flood back to me I realise

There is more to me than I define for myself

There is more to life than the way I define it;

There is more to this world.

Like a ray of light shining through a door open ajar

There is more to it…

Why is the valley of despair so despairing?

If that valley becomes everything, if it consumes you. If you can no longer think outside of that valley. Then it swallows you. The valley becomes the world, the world becomes the valley.

Under such situations, what is hope?

Hope is like a ray of light shining down the star-lit sky

Telling you that the valley isn’t everything

That the world is a greater place.