Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Disconnection

I have known disconnection for many years.
I have known it for my life.
To feel isolated from the rest of the world. In many, many ways.
To feel that you are not one of them… in many ways.
There are some barriers in this world
Some clefts in this world
Nothing can traverse
No “understanding” –
Or any vain attempt at it –
Can ever traverse these gaps.

Some things are just … different.
You. And I. Are just different.
And it is with lethargy one feels that barrier. It is with sadness. It is with sorrow.
Being a world apart from everyone else…
Feeling an alien amidst everyone else…
One can try to conform – but it is pretension, pitiful pretension – and I have long ceased trying that.

A gulf that can never seal
An understanding that can never occur
We think totally differently…
We may inhabit the same physical planet
But alas, we’re worlds apart…
We just perceive things so differently..

I will never be able to view this world the way you do …
You will never be able to view it the way I do…
It is an irreconciable gap created from a life of… difference; and everything before life itself
You can try, oh you can try.
But it’s pointless, you’ll get nowhere near. It’s just too hard. Unless you have lived my life, you will remain an unfathomable distance from me.

And it is in this sense, in this painful sense –
That I feel alone.

Because I think so differently to other people. We perceive the same things oh-so-painfully-differently. We interpret things, we think about things, oh-so-differently. We value such different things. You try to find common ground? THERE IS NO COMMON GROUND. In fact, thanks to everyone so far for not bothering.

I sometimes try to come up with the “human-argument” – that there is a common ground, that of “being human”. But it’s just pitiful. Plainly pitiful. In reality that is such a small ground because no-one considers it seriously. Only in the direst of circumstances does it become apparent, and only in a minor way. Thus, the fact that you-and-I are both “human” is a VERY weak argument. It’s as weak and supposedly self-evident as saying that you-and-I are both composed of matter. It’s pointless. It’s hardly a common-ground for anything but the most basic, officious human interactions, (such as, “where is the lavatory?”) that don’t mean anything much. The point is that everything else is different. The experience of “life” is just utterly, utterly, undeniably, irreconcilably, different. We may run the same hardware but our “software” is incompatible. We’ll never understand eachother.

I would have conversations if I could have someone that could understand how I think, what I value, what I REALLY like, in the deepest sense. Otherwise conversations are a bore just because… we speak very different languages. The language and life that you “speak” of is… incomprehensible to me. The language and life that I speak of is incomprehensible to you. I can pretend, but as I’ve said, I hate pretending, and it’s – so ridiculously tiring. I can’t live a life pretending all-day everyday not being “myself”.

An intraversible gulf. PLEASE don’t try to think that you can traverse a gulf like that. YOU CAN’T, YOU CAN’T YOU JUST CAN’T. You’ll never understand me. My life so far has repeatedly validated this. A life so different, a life a world apart.

And this is why I hate the politico-socio-cultural administrative bullshit. They don’t realise what they’re truly saying. What it really means. They don’t understand someone like me. I’m a ball from the left field. No one ever even EXPECTS something like me. Never thought of in the calculations. A total oddball. Weirdo. Freak. You guys can all mingle and “understand” eachother. K. Well just be aware: you can’t apply that sort of !@!#shit to someone like me. Your attempts to “understand” fail miserably, oh-so-miserably. I am just illegible, incomprehendable, aren’t I? Good. I hope my existence has proved at least something in this ultraconformist world.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

The "ideal person"... ?

The "ideal person" in the Western World is

Someone who is "always happy"
Someone who is "always enthusiastic"
Someone who is "always passionate about something"
Someone who is "bubbly"
Someone who "always has a positive attitude"

Someone who "loves to have fun"
Someone who has "an endless sense of humour"
Someone who "never ceases laughing / smiling"
Someone who "knows how to have a good time"

Someone who "is outgoing"
Someone who "gets on well with anyone, anywhere, anytime"
Someone who "can make others laugh"
Someone whom "you can have a casual conversation with"
Someone who "isn't too tense"
Someone who "isn't too serious"
Someone who "doesn't think so much"

Someone who is "down-to-earth"
Someone who "is intelligent, but not too intelligent"

Someone who "can balance work and life"
Someone who "can get a million things done, but still be pleasant and humane in demeanour"
Someone who has "a diverse range of interests, hobbies, skills, and experience"

Well, you look at this sort of thing. And start to wonder. ... is there something missing?

In my view, what this "list" shows is that, at least the Western World, fails to accept the human condition in its entirety.

I cannot say it any more frankly than that.

What MISERY it is, if the human condition only consisted of such happy-go-lucky, "outgoing", hyperactive traits? Just think about it. If the entire human race was like that. Would you want to live in such a world? I most certainly, certainly, would not.

The thing is - we live in such a world already - well, sort of. For everyone is expected to be like that, to qualify as a "normal, healthy human being". Sure - there are people who are NOT like that but - well, either they try to conform, or, are frankly, thought of as "undesirables", and lie at the boundaries of mainstream society.

Any trait deviating from the aforelisted "ideals" are immediately frowned upon, disliked, avoided. It can even get worse and label them as downright pathologies / "psychological conditions"

We live in a world where we "cannot be sad". For that is "depression". We live in a world where we are constantly expected to be "happy". I even want to call it happy-sickness.

We live in such a "superficial" world... where this sort of, shall I say, "external happiness / joviality" matters more than anything else?

I want to espouse the human condition in its entirety

Happiness AND sadness
Extroversion AND introversion
Laughter AND tears
Togetherness AND loneliness
Fellowship AND solitude
Ability AND dis-ability
Optimism AND pessimism
Seriousness AND light-heartedness
Enthusiasm AND disillusionment

For, only then,
can we begin to see humans as humans -

frail, yet strong;
negative, yet positive;
sad, yet happy;
lonely, yet social

In the beautiful fullness of the human condition, that encompasses, espouses, EMBRACES all these things and more.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Social Stuff

The Academic Stuff is easy. Well not easy per se. But easy. In that I can get the hang of it. I can get into the swing of things. I can enjoy it. I can revel in it; I can get immersed in it. I can find beauty in it; I can be surprised by it; I can find joy.

The Social Stuff is the hard part.

I’m just so shy. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I’m so silent. So silent. So unassertive. So timid. And people will have a negative opinion because of that. It sucks. Being so quiet.

Everyone will judge me by my quietness. It’s like an overlay, a mask over everything else that I am. They fail to see past it. It places a tinge on everything else. I guess this is what I hate about it. I don’t detest quietness per se, but rather what society thinks about it, and how society judges me with it.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Shyness: Two very different perspectives to the same situation.


This describes me perfectly!

If you're the person on the left you might think that I'm an incredibly boring, untalkative, 'antisocial', stuck-up, kind of guy.

If you're ME, the guy on the right - this is what's happening: suddenly, your mind's gone blank. You have many wonderful ideas, and thoughts regarding what she just said - but suddenly, all of that has just rushed out of your mind. You feel like you're now staring at a blank piece of paper. Meanwhile, time's ticking by rapidly - and the social imperative is that you give an answer. So you hastily say a "no", just to show her that you did not ignore her. You continue to try to think of what to say - but you can't. You just can't, it's like staring at a blank wall. Finally, the other person gives up. The other person leaves, and suddenly, everything you could have said, comes flooding back in.

The same situation.

Two very different experiences.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

My Tears

You can't have a conversation with me.

You talk about something and it is as if it flies right over my head.

You search for responses but there are none.

You want me to say something but I don't.

You want me to react but I just sit there.

You want me to comment but I don't.

I just sit there, I just stand there -

Like a lame duck;

A stone statue.

You think to yourself -

What a boring guy he is. Does he have any humanity at all?

I don't know anything.

I don't sense anything.

It all flies over my head.

I know -

Superficially, "officially", customarily, scholastically, formally;

But I do not know -

Truly, humanely, emotionally, touchingly.

I am -

Someone you could talk to about the answers to an exam question -

But not someone

You can have a casual conversation with

About the weekend

About friends

About the weather

About our lives

About little things

I probably appear

Overly stoic;

"conservative";

tight-mouthed;

old-fashioned;

Unconcerned. Unenthusiastic. Unappreciative. Disliking people, and their lives.

It is -

At the end of the day -

These small things that grip me;

And wrench my heart.

I wish -

I dearly wish -

that I was a more talkative person. That I could... talk more...