Saturday, August 20, 2005

Quote

'For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief.'
- Ecclesiastes 1:18

I am lost

I don't know what to do.
The world seems so large.
I don't know where I should take myself.
I don't know what others are doing.
...........................................................................
Where should I take myself?
Where should I be?
........................................................
Things that once pleased me give me not a droplet of happiness
I want to find my place in this world

What will other's be doing right now?
Their lives will be so full, so engaging, so full of life, full of plans, full of the future, full of success
And here I am....................... completely at a lost at what I should do

Worrying about the future can be a very morbid thing to.
I wish God could freeze time for me......

The idea of "opportunity cost" is a very depressing idea indeed.
In fact..... thinking of this idea pretty much results me in doing nothing..
For if I do something... then at that moment I won't be doing another... and that would be time flown by.

And here I am lost, lost, lost, lost, completely lost.
I can't think...... seriously I can't decide, I can't do anything
Only shadowy, depressing, threatening thoughts come to my mind..
.........This world is so large........ and I'm so smal................

And we have such a small amount of time to live in.....
..................................I wish there's time
TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME
It's always about time isn't it?

TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME, TIME

TIME IS GOLD
TIME IS MONEY
TIME NEVER RETURNS
TIME GOES FAST

YOUR LIFE WILL ZOOM PAST U B4 U'VE BLINKED UR EYE

Yes........................ they may be wise words..
But to me they might as well be death letters...... I just don't want to face those words...
Whenever I see those words I cower... I look away... I try to forget about it.. I try to think it's not real........................................................................

The thing is, I can't do anything for the fear the I could be doing something else at that time....

And this pretty much puts me at a loss of what to do.

And thus, I do nothing, and time goes by, and I'm left where I am, a weak loser.

.....

I seriously can't make my mind up to do anything

All roads seem to require enormous amounts of time-commitment to a reward that is so small..

And I know that this world is so large that somewhere in this world will be something that I could do that will be a better use of time than whatever I do now

....................................................................................................................................................
Time
I'm shackled by time, governed by time.
Frozen by time, beaten up by time, left in shambles by time.
.......................................................................................................................................................

I mean, the reality is, I could be doing something else right now!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could be catching up on a very heavily-scheduled day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yet I'm at a loss at the value of everything...
and whether anything will be worth the time I invest in it...
.............................................................................................................................................................

Can someone give me time,
so much time that I could try everything in this world,
be everything in this world.....
in fact be the best in everything in this world..
time, time, time, time..................... our lives are so, so, so, short................................................
Whatever happens after death (it will probably be like a sleep that u never wake up from... an eternal oblivion).......... what matters is what I do with the time I have now

Yet time is so scarce, decisions so many!!!!
....................

Nothing consoles me now
Nothing can forget me thinking about time now.
It's all over my mind, I won't stop thinking about it until I've decided what I'll do with it

O choices, choices, choices!!!!
Whence did freedom become such a burden?

I'm the type of person who enjoys following orders.
Giving my best within limited parameters;
Making choices between a manageable number of them through logic..

Yet TOTAL FREEDOM is something I've never really expected, come to grips with, in my life.
So many opportunities are open that... ............ ..... I simply can't make any choices.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwww........ how painful is the wound of regret?
All these thoughts make me seriously regret the way I've spent time in some days in my life;
Yet....... I can't seem to come to a better solution... or gain enough motivation to..... spend it in any way better....... They all seem so pointless.................................................................................
Sorrow and pain. They go so well together. For that's what I feel.
Can someone tell me what to do?
I can swear I'll be the best at it....... for I'll dedicate all the time in my life to it.
But of course...... I'll be missing out on millions of other opportunities in life.


This dilemma weakens me, saddens me
And all the while I am aging....... time continues to flow
...........................................................................................................................
If I were granted one wish in the world, it would be that :
Time would stop, yet life would go on.
LOL. How arrogant is such a wish! How mistaken!!!
...................................
I remember a saint's prayer:

God grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference.
.........
I am weakened, dismayed by this enormous task I'm facing......
And I again, I leave today with no answers

Thursday, August 18, 2005

I loathe thee

................................................................................ I've been dreaming all my life
I used to always complain that other people are inadequate, that they didn't think like me, that they couldn't understand me.......
well that was pure arrogance
Now I've waken up and looking around I see so many others giving everything... with A LOT of depth and maturity in the way they think and live.

And Here I am................. this wretched fool who knows no better than them.

The case of my life is weird.
I thought that I was always ahead... ...
Yet with lame excuses like "coming in contact with reality" "conforming to be like others" "trying to lead a normal life"
I DEGRADED MYSELF COMPLETELY; I LOWERED MYSELF!
NO, this was no humble act or anything flash like that - it was the pure act of throwing oneself into the gutter.
What I didn't know was......
........ that I would be stuck there.
From UP THERE, this position may look interesting... completely logical, sensible, it seemed that most of the world was in this position was anyway.
How mistaken I was,
How naive I was,
How foolish I was.
Never do you realise that until you actually stoop down to this level, you really experience how fortunate you were when you were UP THERE.
Only when you have muddled up, do you really realise the value of organisation and self-control.

Now I hate myself.
I absoultely loathe myself for being such a foolish loser.

Yet what can I do !!!!!
If I were to hate someone else... I could kick them... yell at them.. ignore them...
Yet how can one hate ONESELF? ......
I have to live with such a decrepid self 24/7... imagine being with someone you hate for every second in your life...
......
I'm a loser. I SUCK.
I wish more people could hurl insults at themselves.
That would make the world such a better place.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Why does the world have to be this way?

Miles of confusion wash over me as I feel the full force of my new knowledge of the scale of this world
and the very real sense I feel as me, as an individual, living upon this world inhabited by so many, unfathomable number of people;
all doing their best in their respective localities... all striving for a better life...
I always thought terms like "success"; and "progress" were rather too vague -
Now I realise that I have been the idealistic one - to many people these are real things, real feelings that they work for, live for, die for;
I have seen the haze of a world that one's ego... arrogance... MISUNDERTANDING ABOUT THE WORLD can take them;
I have been dreaming way too much... way out of touch with reality......
Like an angel with broken wings... I only realise it was all a worthless dream, a haze, when I hit the cold stone ground...
And look around me... only to find others way ahead of me........................ far, far away in their own life..

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS WORLD.
I am arrogant. Completely and utterly arrogant, stuck up in my own world....
Wondering why there were so many mismatches.. mistakes... paradoxes.. in my own world..
ONLY TO REALISE OTHERS LIVE IN A COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY DIFFERENT WORLD to that of mine...
And that I've been wasting thousands of hours of time
Living in a world where I was everything, I was the main character, others were just minor characters supporting my role; my comfort was everything, I thought my success would be guaranteed... and any mistakes were not part of the true "me"... and that I would always be able to bounce back up... that I had fair chance... that the world will open up opportunities for me...
WELL TIME TO WAKE UP BOY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY WAKE UP !!!!
.................................................................................
And then comes the silence.
The depression.
The despair.
The sorrow.
That why does the world have to be this way?
Why, why, why?
............................................
There are no answers......
...................
So much competition..............................................................................................................................................
And then there is the question, the question all people on their knees inevitably ask :
What's the point of trying? What's the point? Others have their lives so perfectly fine-tuned like a machine; they are gifted, talented, rich, powerful, loveable...
And here I am, a decrepid No-body, useless to society, useless for anything.. just another random person living in their own locality... just another random firefly in the myriad of fireflies .. no one will hardly notice as it flickers and fades away...
........................................................................... I wish tears were falling down my cheeks now... but they're not.......
21st Century..
Is it one of the easiest centuries to live in?
Or isn't it?
There are no more wars (as in, serious), better medicine, longer life expectancy, no slavery, a lot more knowledge about this world.. better "aid" stuff....
but really........................................................... is it any better place to live in than any other century?
I mean honestly... I ask this question a lot....
What would I have been like if I was born in some other time... some other place?
Would I be experiencing the dearth of happiness I feel now......... or would there be something more to it?
I don't know...................
.................................................................... I feel that the modern world contains just as much sadness
as the other centuries.........................................................................
Yet a lot of this is hidden...... stashed up somewhere far, far away in people's self... too busy with the meaningless
going-ons of the 21st century............ until they reach a state like me.........
...................
I can find no answers..........
Things are too complicated................................................................................................................