Saturday, March 05, 2011

Some contributory factors that made me who I am; the roller-coaster ride of life

(in no particular order)

“External” factors

1. Being an only child. Yeah, in itself, being an only child does not lead to me – there are many only childs out there who are otherwise extroverted. However, it certainly is a factor when considered amidst other factors; the fact that you did not have siblings of similar age that you could interact with and hone social skills.

2 . Cultural background. The usual counter-argument to this was that “but you have troubles with both cultures, so surely the issue isn’t cultural”. The counter-counter argument is that it was a crucial factor which affected your development as a person - amidst the other factors, of course. Social exclusion and “racism” based on culture is undeniable; yes, all other people of my culture would have experienced this, however when present amidst the other factors, such experiences of “rejection” and of feeling “abnormal”, “not belonging” certainly played a part.

3. “Unconventional” family environment. I respect my family very much. However, I must say we are indeed an “unconventional” family in many respects – with differing expectations on myself as a person. In a more welcoming society this would have been an advantage; however in a conformist society it is not. I was brought up where the expectations placed on me – especially social expectations – were certainly different. Also, I must say, I had relatively little exposure to social experiences, and there wasn’t all that much “social modelling” that went on. I really, really, do not blame anyone for this; in many respects it’s just how things “played out”. Factors 1 and 2 interplay with this very much.

4. “Troublesome” transition into adolescence. Once again, this is but a factor amidst many. But sometimes I wonder – had I stayed in the same area throughout my childhood and adolescence, affiliating with the same peers – that I may have had a more “normal” adolescence. This is, however, pure conjecture. No one knows how things may have turned out. Perhaps a few lucky draws of the straws during adolescence may have changed things. Once again I hesitate to “blame” my adolescence – for, despite its formative influences on myself, it was indeed, a “good one”.

5. Lack of “proper” social exposure during childhood and adolescence. Once again, this is compounded by all of the factors mentioned. The friendships I had… well they were “normal”, then again “not normal”. I did not have the exposure that many others of my age had as they grew up – that key exposure to learn social skills. But the vicious cycle started quite early on for me – the person who I was prevented me from experiencing more “proper” exposures, further moulding who I am.

6. Lack of positive affirmation. Abundance of negative criticism. Unfortunately, I believe I lacked something so crucial as a child / adolescent growing up – affirmation. Someone who kept cheering for you and being by your side, through your social tribulations. Someone who could continually say “you can do this”. Rather what I experienced was an abudance of negative criticism; the message was mainly that of “you can’t, you can’t, you can’t”. Thus I further cringed away into myself, with no one to “push me from behind”.

“Internal” factors

7. “Shyness”. Introversion. I don’t thing this needs any further explaining. This has been the factor of note. Why do I say it’s “internal”? Because it was present within myself from birth. I know that. I guess the key thing to note that is whilst yes, I was born as a “shy” person, had I been nurtured in a supportive, constructive and affirmative environment, I may have turned out to be a “confident shy” person, if that makes sense; to be “introverted with pride” or “normally introverted” or have “well-adjusted shyness”.

8. Aspergers? I really feel I may have a dose of this. Why? Because of some of the unconventional things I used to do as a child. Those countless drawings of highways; of roads; playing traffic jams. I don’t know – no other child did such things. I don’t know, perhaps I do have this. I wish it wasn’t so damned expensive to get an official diagnosis!

Conclusion

All I can say is this – child development is incredibly interesting; the way in which a person becomes a person. So many interplaying factors. So many things moulding that baby into a person. If you think about it, by and large the things I have mentioned here are non-controllable factors – that is, factors that kind of just “pushed” me into being who I am. I – like a tiny leaf stuck within the currents of a gushing river – was pushed this way and that, powerless (what powers does that leaf have to direct its own way amidst such torrents?). Yet the person such things moulded me to be, is the person I am having to live with, to deal with, 24/7.

Where does my will come into all this? Where does my spirit come into all this?

And this, I guess, is the moment that finally some praise is bestowed upon you. For through such tumultous tides you have travelled – you “held out” with a perseverance, an un-bending will. Perhaps a better analogy than a leaf would be a raft, with you on it, being swept down a raging chasm. You do not know where you’re heading, you’re hurt by everything that has a go at you; yet you persevere; you go on. With your clothes in tatters, you still hold on. You’re swept off your feet, you fall over, yet you still hold on to that raft with dear life – indeed, one could call it the roller-coaster ride of life – as a passenger on it, you do not have control over where the roller-coaster will go, yet you persevere, you go on.

And perhaps, therein lies the beauty – the spirit of who you are. Where you stop wondering why you were put on this rollercoaster, reproaching oneself and the world for every turn it takes, for those crazy upside-down journeys.

But where you sit back – hang on – and even start enjoying, that roller-coaster ride of life.

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