Misanthropes, friendships.

No man is in the deepest sense a misanthrope
Ironical as it seems, it is society that creates misanthropes

Those that are similar are bound to come together
They don’t even have to ‘try’ –
Things just fall together naturally like matching pieces

What great feeling it is to have someone else’s heart resonate with yours;
What a great sense of place you have in this world
When you have someone else to vindicate you too -
To reassure you that you are not alone;
That their heart beats, their mind moves, in a similar way to yours ...

If you have to 'try' -
Then you're with the wrong person :).

The thing about true friendships, and true love is that -
You can just be yourself -
You need not 'try', in any sense, at all -
And things will just unravel naturally
Magic will occur from the unmagical
You will marvel at how things just, simply, 'happen'...

Misanthropes don't really exist
There only exist people that can never understand them.

Misanthropes and loners can have friends too.
Someone just needs to show them that it is possible.
Someone just needs to show that it does not require perhaps as a big effort as they imagine it to be.
Someone just needs to show that they really are not alone, that there are others like them too...

What it means to be alone.

Being alone is not about being physically isolated -

It is about being socio-culturally isolated.

One can be amidst a million people yet still be alone.

It is being utterly, irreconcilably different to all other people. Socially, culturally.

Of course, there are certain things, that as humans we share with other people - but in everyday life, these barest of 'lowest common denominators' don't really play much of a part.

This incomprehendable difference, rift and gulf between oneself and others produces and perpetuates the loner. One is irrevocably seperated and continues to drift further and further away from other people.

There are very few things normal people will 'have in common' with loners. They are socio-cultural aliens. Incomprehendable, irrecognisable. An enigma. Someone best to 'leave alone' - as you can see, the creation of a loner is a two-way process.

Mired in social anomie.

Cryptic. Incomprehensible. Irreconcilable

These words describe things in either directions - I view society like that; society views me like that.

Why pitying is bad

Pitying is bad because when you pity someone, you implicitly place yourself above them. Sure, you might think that you’re providing ‘love’, ‘care’ and ‘concern’ to those being pitied –

But you make it pretty obvious to them that they didn’t really ‘earn’ your 'love / concern', that you are only doing it because you feel you are above them, and you feel that hence you possess the power/right/position to be the one who 'pities', whereas the other person lacks that power/right/position hence is the one who is 'pitied'.

You think that you’re the only one in control; that they only exist to receive your pity; that they're 'under' you, hence they 'deserve' your pity, by virtue of being in that perceived position...

Why did the phrase ‘as cold as charity’ arise when charity is supposed to be a 'good' thing?

Because, in my view, so often charity was (and sometimes still is) based on pity.

Pity is designed to seperate - to seperate between you, the pitied, who is 'under' me, and myself. What this constructs is a chasm between those that pity and those that are being pitied.

Heh. Never would it occur to the person who pities that perhaps - they may one day be the person at the receiving end. To them, pity would be something they would be all-too-willing to give, but all-too-unwilling to receive.

And I guess this is why pity doesn't constitute true love. LOVE is something you will be BOTH willing to give and receive. Why the golden rule - treat others as you would like to be treated yourself describes love so well. No one, in their right mind, would go 'looking for pity' - often, being pitied is a last resort which they must endure - because they know what those that pity you really feel - that they are above you, somehow more valuable as human beings than you.

To pity anyone is wrong.

To love them - horizontally - no power-relationships - this is true love. To embrace who you would otherwise 'pity' as fellow brothers-in-arms. To embrace them as being just like you. To acknowledge that you are no better than them - that you are just as frail and weak a human being as them, but that at the same time both you and them are strong, willed human beings too.

Only at such an equal-footing can true love be given and received. Only upon such an acknowledgement.

Always think of this especially when you try to love or care about someone who society otherwise labels as 'lowly' - because they are not, and with those 'vertical', 'power' spectacles you will never practise true love. When you see beggars, when you see criminals, when you see disaster-victims, when you see addicts, when you see disabled people, when you see orphans -

Know that really, you are no different to them, they are no different to you, and THIS is why we should care about them and love them. NOT because we are 'above' them in any way.

Silence with grace

Let me reveal to you today a truth that those who medicalise, label and stigmatise silence never realise.

I have realised that there are two types of silence in this world: silence with awkwardness, and silence with grace.

We are all too familiar with the first type of silence.

But here’s a thought: Do awkward silences exist insofar as one decides to feel awkward in that moment of silence? And then that such perception perpetuates itself; one actually starts acting awkwardly, uncomfortably; the silence is unbearable and one wants to do something about it.

Yes, that is the only type of silence that this modern world seems willing to recognise.

Silence in itself is a lost virtue in today’s world.

*

I wish to suggest and live a second kind of silence -

Silence with grace.

What is this?

It is to embrace silence. To enjoy silence. To cherish it; to revel in it.

It is NOT treating silence as a source of awkwardness - no, no, no!

It is to live a graceful silence; where one has accepted one's silence and embraces it.

Accepting, enjoying tranquility.

A problem is only a problem insofar as one continues to perceive it as a problem. One's silence will cease to be a problem when one has accepted it, invited it to be a part of oneself.

And then, one will start to become a 'master of silence' - where one enacts silence to a degree that... it is no longer 'awkward' to them; it is natural, it is part of themselves, and hence one will be able to show what it means to be silent with grace.

This is a truth that those who stimagtise silence will never understand until they actually open their eyes and try to understand us as human beings, beautiful as who we are, individual as who we are.

Impromptu speech, on-the-spot thinking, spontaneous creativity, ‘speaker’s block’.

It’s not that I cannot think; rather, it’s the fact that when I am put on the spot my thinking ceases to function.

Often, minutes later, when that spotlight has worn off of me, I can think of a million brilliant things that I could have said.

But… when that spotlight is on me to say something, I cannot think properly!

My mind erases into a blank white slate. I just don’t know what to say. Suddenly, I forget everything. I feel that I need to respond, to say something, but I cannot think of anything. All I see is this blank, whiteness.

Not to mention the incredibly short time ‘society’ allows for a response, before things start drifting off into ‘awkwardness’. It’s certainly in the sub-second range.

So, I guess, it’s wrong trying to think of what to say after someone has finished saying something; rather, you must be actively be constructing your response before the other person has said everything.

Perhaps that’s what I’ve been doing wrong. But then again, sometimes you’re told to speak on very short notice.

I call it an art, really, in such cases – where people begin their talking while they’re trying to think of what to say next. True multitasking. And not saying incoherent things either – all the while saying socially, situationally, grammatically appropriate and coherent things.

I call it spontaneous creativity.

I will even go far as to say this is the origin of human creativity. In my view, human creativity blossomed once language had been invented. Now, people had to be incredibly creative on very short notice to merely have a simply conversation.

I guess something is inhibiting my free-flow too much. The thoughts are there, but something is blocking it.

The Grand Paradox of Human Interaction

I don't know how people enjoy talking about, what to me are quite 'trivial' matters.

Let me list what to me are the list of boring, trivial topics people seem to enjoy talking about:

- asking 'how you are' 'how it's going'
- the weather - not just today, but how it has been / will be for the past month / year.
- how bored they are of working / doing something / being here.
- other people. (and what they think of them)
- past interactions with someone else. ("I was like ...." "He was like ...." etc.)
- The Weekend - what they did, plans for it.
- when the next break will be. What they want to eat or drink. Or, comments on what they did eat or drink in the last break.
- their / others' clothes.
- How they 'feel'. (No, not the 'grand' feelings such as intense sorrow / happiness.. just the mild, trivial 'feelings'.)
- latest TV show / music / movie.
- 'neighbourhood' or 'in-group' news / current events. (No, not 'world events')
- Their domestic life.

Yeah. To me they just seem like trivial topics 'not worth' talking about. I guess this is why I often can't think of what to say - I just don't value the above sort of things, whereas other people clearly do! Well, I'm fine with that. I don't want to have conversations about 'nothing'. Sure, they call it 'social lubrication' or whatever, but... I don't wanna do it - yes - even at the expense of social interaction, because... I don't want to be doing something I don't want to.

Why can't people talk about things more interesting!!!

Companionship

I guess all I want in life is simple.

I just want some companionship.

Real companionship... someone whom I can share things with...

Someone whom to casually just talk to...

Someone to be just there for me.

They don't have to do anything, they don't have to say anything;

Just be there for me...

Not speaking a lot takes its toll after a while ... you just want someone to talk to.

The power of labels

The human brain works in a funny way.
The moment we label something, we lose our ability to see much beyond that label.
For example – if you label oneself –
You may end up limiting yourself to that label, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

*

Sometimes it’s best not to label at all.
Then they can be ‘free’.

*

Descriptions are tricky things.

By describing something, we are summarizing something, in some ways, reducing something to that description.

We must remember – descriptions often fail to capture everything; we lose / distort large amounts of ‘information’ as we try to ‘capture’ objects / phenomena of the world in words / other media.

This is why I think ‘theories’ differ from ‘reality’ – theories, by their very nature, simplify things down – intentionally or not – hence they fail to ‘encompass’ or ‘capture’ everything.

Also, in my view, we say a literature / work of art is ‘good’ when they in fact do manage to ‘capture’ surprisingly a lot - things that we often fail to capture in normal ‘descriptions’. To borrow Alexander Pope’s words, good writing / art expresses -

“What oft was thought, but ne'er so well expressed.”

In fact, this quote was said about wit. Indeed, sometimes humour ‘captures’ certain things unexpectedly well. (And perhaps part of why we find things 'funny')

Sometimes, narratives, or ‘personal stories’ may capture more than ‘hard, factual’, accounts.

Sometimes, not telling certain things – omitting certain things may tell more than including them. It may ‘capture’ the essence of something more than trying to brutally describe everything. There is a quote I remember from high school English class that I’ll never forget – “Always show, never tell.”

I always kind of wondered why there were so many different forms of writing / art. I'm slowly starting to understand - each form captures certain things other forms cannot. Sure, we can interpret from one form to another - as you would translate between languages. For example, one can 'describe' a poem using prose. But no matter what you do, it will fail to capture everything in that poem; to do that reliably... one will have to write the poem itself.

Doctors vs. Scientists

Today... we had an interesting discussion.
It was to differentiate between medical doctors and scientists.
And... in a group of medical students, it's not hard to get some prejudiced images of scientists, and some ideal images of doctors.

The group 'consensus' was that doctors had to deal with 'more' than scientists - that not only do doctors need to know the science, they need to know people too. And they also said that a doctor's job is more 'complex' because not only do they have to deal with swathes of facts, but swathes of 'emotions' too.

They somehow painted the picture that scientists were these unemotional, passive beings who sat in dim-lit labs over petri dishes, 'not caring'; to them patients were just labels, not 'real people'. Scientists had no social / communication skills. They were detached from the 'real world'.

Well.

My heart couldn't disagree more.

Really. Scientists - especially those in life sciences - are very concerned about people. Let me just put it this way - their passions are directed... in a slightly different manner to doctors. They are trained in... different... skills and roles. But to question their emotions and intentions, is wrong.

The people that will be finding the cure for cancer will be scientists. The people that will be finding a cure for heart disease will be scientists. Patients will thank the doctor that delivers these treatments, but we know, that really at the back there were some great, dedicated scientists out there - who directed their passions and acumen to a noble and worthy goal.

Yeah. I am a scientist at heart... I know it...

The lengths one will go to not break someone's heart.

Tomorrow was supposed to be D-day.
Tomorrow was supposed to be the day I would break someone's heart.

I had been tossing and turning the past few days because of this.
My mind has been very heavy.
I didn't know what to do.

You see, no one in their 'right mind' breaks someone's heart for no reason. Usually there is a moral dilemma associated with it. Usually, there is an other side to the equation.

In my case, it was myself. The troubles my heart would go through. The fears, the worries, the anxieties, the awkwardness.

Yet here I am. I called it off. I will not break their heart. No - no, no ... it is such a cruel thing to do. You would never do that to a person ...

Instead... I'd rather suffer myself. I'd rather take it on myself. I'd rather live through the pain head-on. I'd rather walk on the burning path. I will take all the shame, I will take all the embarrassment, I will live through the awkwardness, I will be that sore thumb, I will be that piece that doesn't fit in, I will be that loner;

But no, I will not break someone else's heart. Not after what they have done for me. I would rather suffer myself.

Stand in the rain

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why
but she knows that when she's all alone,
feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears
if she cries that first tear,
the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
and the fears whispering
if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out
is through everything she's running from
wants to give up and lie down.

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
So stand in the rain

Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

-Superchick

The Profound Art of Thinking of What to Say

I guess it all has to do with experience -

That is, to know what to say, and what to do, in a social situation.

A lot of people have a variety of social experiences to draw their social repertoire from. Also from very early on in their life (almost from their birth), they have had the chance to observe and model / copy others in how to behave socially (and the social 'encouragement' to do so). I guess this is also the way in which 'culture' in general is passed on, rather 'effortlessly' and 'naturally', between generations.

In my view the following is how people 'think of what to say' in a social situation: They make extremely fast, 'calculations' if one may put it, in their subconscious of what to say. That is, what is appropriate to say, given the setting, the other person(s), the relationship, the context. This is done very fast with minimal 'conscious' thinking involved. Given the above variables, one's mindset, one's grasp of language, and in some respects, one's intention... words come out conjured and weaved together effortlessly and naturally. Language truly is a wondrous thing indeed, and a very intrinsic human faculty.

Like everything else in life, the degree of such 'automation' I guess corresponds to the degree of skill and experience. When we first learn to do a new activity - be it learning to bike, to swim, to play tennis, whatever - we initially have to think very consciously about every little movement we make, every little thing to do, what to do next, whether we did it correctly... and so on. But as we learn, certain things are 'grasped', and are relegated to automation. My guess is social skills and "knowing what to say" work much the same way.

Oh yes, and how could I forget creativity. To 'think of what to say' in the very short time we have in a conversation (down there in the millisecond range), we must have very good creativity. Sure, previous experience helps us immensely in preparing us with certain stereotyped responses, (and more generally in the 'ways' to respond / say things) but that cannot discount the huge role of creativity.

To 'conjure up', out of... 'nothing', something that is relevant, appropriate and 'interesting' - how can things get more creative than that? Yet this is what one must do in any conversation. To have a mind that can search through the recesses of one's memory and experience extremely quickly, and synthesise the right thing to say - in milliseconds. I mean, it pretty much has to be 'automatic'. And yes, I daresay, like riding a bike, reading a book - this is indeed a skill. One has to be creative to have a conversation.

And yes... this all reminds me of how human intelligence, and language for that matter, evolved in the first place: For social purposes. For as you can see, language and creativity are absolutely integral in developing human social relations, with all its complexity.

No. Sadly, human intelligence didn't evolve to make us better tool-users and wield technology. These were merely 'side-effects'. Nor was it evolved for 'academic' learning. This was a side-effect too. It evolved to... so-called 'enrich' our social interactions. Just as the peacock gradually evolved its marvellous tail to 'look nice' to females, humans gradually evolved 'intelligence' to embellish and decorate their social interactions; including language and creativity. Of course, it has had immense side-effects; but alas, to this day, such things remain as side-effects to the grand social theme.

I'D RATHER BE ANTISOCIAL.

I always wondered what MADE people antisocial.
I know now.
It's that very society.
Really - society doesn't present itself as worthy of my attention any more.
I can't believe I've been trying so hard to become social in a society that doesn't deserve it.
What a waste of time.
I'm just gonna be myself and walk my solitary road. I DON'T CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

I've lost faith in humanity.
They're boring. They're dumb. They're stupid.
They conform so much. It's all their wee wee story.
If you weren't there from the beginning IT IS ALL !@$!$! IRRELEVANT TO YOU.

I just don't care any more.
I really, really don't.

Conform or get lost.
Be normal or get lost.

...
FINE I WILL GET LOST. YOU GET OUT OF MY SIGHT TOO.

I hate society. From the depths of my heart. I hate people. I really, really, really, do. They're just trivial, meaningless, pointless creatures that don't deserve anything. I sincerely hate humanity.

I hate them. I hate them all. They just are not worthy of my attention. good-bye. Irrelevancies.

Really. I can't be bothered trying any more. It's pointless. I'm just gonna be my "antisocial" self.
There is no point trying. It's a goal certainly not worthy of pursuing. Society is just pointless.

Always be yourself

Always be yourself

Because the people who mind don't matter

And the people that matter, don't mind.

I bet no one understands me.

I know

That it is really hard,

really, really, hard

For socially well-adjusted people

To understand someone like me.

They just don't know what to do with someone like me.

I am just too weird.

Just too different.

They pity me

Like an object

And move on.

I am not a person

To whom

one can have a chat with

A simple conversation

About

The going ons in one's life.

I am ... just not that sort of guy

They deal with me "officially"...

then move on.

You cannot

Have

personal

relations with me

Something

Is deeply wrong with me.

Pokemon theme music - surprisingly inspirational

It's been over 10 years since I first heard the Pokemon theme music.

Yet, I have only recently realised that the lyrics are surprisingly inspirational and very motivational. Perhaps this is why it became so popular in the first place - it really gives people, including children, courage, confidence and the meaning of friendship.

Even as 'adults', if you take all the Pokemon references metaphorically, or allegorically, where "Pokemon" symbolises something, or someone important, valuable in your life - then bam, here's an amazing, inspirational song for you - brutally frank and sincere unlike many songs out there.

I wanna be the very best
Like no one ever was
To catch them is my real test
To train them is my cause
I will travel across the land
Searching far and wide
Teach Pokemon to understand
The power that's inside

Pokemon!Gotta catch 'em all--
It's you and me
I know it's my destiny
Pokemon!
Ooooh, you're my best friend
In a world we must defend
Pokemon!Gotta catch 'em all--
Our hearts so true
Our courage will pull us through
You teach me and I'll teach you
Pokemon!Gotta catch 'em all!
Gotta catch 'em all!
Yeeaa.

Every challenge along the way
With courage I can face
I will battle everyday
To claim my rightful place
Come with me the time is right
There's no better team
Arm in arm we'll win the fight
It's always been our dream

Pokemon!Gotta catch 'em all--
It's you and me
I know it's my destiny
Pokemon!
Ooooh, you're my best friend
In a world we must defend
Pokemon!Gotta catch 'em all--

Our hearts so true
Our courage will pull us through
You teach me and I'll teach you
Pokemon!Gotta catch 'em all!

Gotta catch 'em all!
Gotta catch 'em all!
Gotta catch 'em all!
Gotta catch 'em all!
Yeeeaa!

Why do you look at the stars?

A story I wrote last year.

* * *
"Why do you look at the stars," he asked.

"Do they feed you,
do they clothe you,
do they protect you?"

"No."

"Then why do you bother?
It's pointless. Do something more useful."

Ka'shir returned his gaze.
"But they do offer me...," he lowered his voice, searching for a word - "... something."

Bash'ir remained silent; yet a hint of a smirk began to crawl across his face.

"Like what?"

Ka'shir lowered his gaze, and stared into the fire before him.

"I mean come on."
Bash'ir said, trying his best to hide the demanding tone.

"Those stars...
who cares about them.

They can't affect our lives here.

Do they pay for our bills?
Do they solve the... injustice in this country?
Do they bring in more money?
Do they help our ageing parents survive?

Tell me, what's the use.
What's the use.
You stare at those stars every night.

I... I just don't understand."

Bash'ir assessed Ka'shir, whose eyes remained fixed into the fire before him.

Bash'ir continued.
"Dude, don't get me wrong, but you need to understand your..., I mean our, place in society."

"See that castle over there?
Magisters there have the luxury to stare at those stars all night long if they wanted to.
I mean, who cares what they get up to in their spare time. Let them do what they fancy; their lives are all sorted out, they're fed and clothed by the Lords, they have nothing in the world to worry about."

He stared at Ka'shir.

"But you... YOU."

"Do you understand who you were born to?"

"I mean, we shouldn't even be having this conversation. You shouldn't be pointlessly staring at those stars so much. We've got work to do. We could be spending this time doing something more productive... useful."

Ka'shir finally broke out of his acquiescence.

"What do you mean," he gently whispered into the fire.

"What do you mean, by more 'useful'... what's the point? Does it matter if we earn a few less coppers?"

He looked up at the starry night sky.

"You don't understand do you," Bash'ir replied. "The world is a tough place. The world doesn't allow it. You'll starve. You'll have nothing to wear. Nothing will protect you from the weather, the authorities, the gangs. Nothing. Tell me, are those stars going to come and protect you then? Nope. You can't trust much in life. Only this."

He jingled his copper coins in front of Ka'shir.

Ka'shir sighed. It had been a gruelling day after all. All day he had worked hard, yet he had also seen too many injustices. He had even seen blood. No one in the world was honest; no one in the world seemed to truly care about anyone, especially those that were unrelated to them. They all just went about their busy daily lives, in pursuit of that jingle.

"You see Ka'shir... There is a reason why most people don't spend their lives looking at stars." said Bash'ir. He knew that Ka'shir was still young. He had much to learn...

"Because they never bothered to look up at what's above them every night," came the sharp reply.

Ka'shir fixed his gaze upon Bash'ir. Bash'ir frowned.

"Bash'ir, I've always wanted to ask you a question."

Bash'ir looked at him in silence.

"Why do you live?"

Bash'ir looked away. It was ... difficult. Had it been another night, he would've chided Ka'shir for asking yet more pointless questions. Yet tonight... he didn't know quite why, but he couldn't do that. Something in him was ringing. Perhaps, it was from the desperation he found in Bash'irs eyes, those wavering pupils waiting for a reply.

"I.. I-"

Ka'shir broke in.

"If all we live for is money. Just like all of them," He pointed at the shimmering township before them, "are we really living at all? If all we care about is money. Money, money, money, more money."

"Yes, I know money is important. I know what society deems high is generally for a reason."

"But I feel a lot of people miss out on many things in life."

"Many people don't seem to... simply to LOOK around them. Realise what a magnificent world we're living in. Experience the beauty that is resonant in our lives. Marvel at the wonders."

"Where has it all gone?" Ka'shir's eyes shimmered.

"Why, tell me why, why don't people care?" His trembling eyes reflected the moonlight.

Years of the apathy,
years of indifference of the world,
had taken its toll on Ka'shir. The world was now foreign to him; full of mindless zombies going about pointless daily lives.

"When I look at the stars Bash'ir," said Ka'shir, stifling a tear. "When I see the beauty, the wonder...
I, I...
I find something in it that is missing from this world."

"You know what?"
He could no longer suppress the hot tears flowing down his cheeks.
"When the world seems like such a drudge,
it is those stars that have given me hope.

For once,
here, way up there,
is something untainted by those greedy, dirty, selfish human hands.

They are precious jewels, yet no one cares about them - because they can't keep them, they're so far away. I know that they have no effect on our lives. But -" he grinned ever-so-slightly amid his tears,"in a way, that's why I love them so much."

Bash'ir looked away, and sighed. "You're crazy." He whispered, staring at the ground.

Ka'shir smiled."Then perhaps that's what I want to be."

I don't know how to have a conversation.

I really don't care any more.

This is me.

I can't have a conversation.

I just don't know what to say. What's appropriate to say in any given situation.

This shyness is really debilitating.

Whether it's from my complete lack of social experience, something wrong in my brain, or some negative programming as I grew up - I don't know.

But what IS evident is that I am extremely, painfully shy, to the extent that I can NEVER think of what to say to other people, and I act clearly shy in front of them.

What I really wish is to have someone beside me 24/7, and guide me through social situations. For example, they can TELL me what to say in certain situations, how to respond in certain situations, how to act in certain situations - EXPLICITLY, not something vague like "oh just be friendly and talkative"

They say we learn through exposure? So far it's not working. After all, I've had 19 years of "exposure" in my life, where I was that shy guy. Yeah, I've 'experienced' a lot of social gatherings. I've 'observed' a lot of social situations. Yeah, I have a lot of 'experience' in how to be the shy guy. Yeah, it's helped a lot - hah!

To me doing that is like asking a 5-year old to observe an accomplished mathematician and then telling him to 'copy' what he does. SUUUUUURE. He'll need to go to school and learn 1+1 first. And then years of training.

I feel I'm just like that. People are telling me to do complex mathematics when I don't know how to handle 1+1. They go "just do it". I'm like - "errr... ok..." They say I need confidence. Oh sure, I'll have confidence. Yup. I'll be all ready and set to handle the complex mathematics. Yup. I am confident in myself!!! woo!!! Ok.... so how do I actually do all this stuff...???

Confidence is nothing when you don't have the skills / thinking mechanism to do it in the first place.

I really, really, seriously hate it how schools never systematically teach you social skills. Why can't kindergartens / primary schools JUST DO IT. They teach a lot of other 'useless' stuff - how about they just go out there and teach children THE most valuable skill in life??? Sure, many people "naturally" know it "instinctively" or via "upbringing"... but please, think of people like me!!!

I feel there really is very little support for people like me. Society just doesn't care. They label us as the shy, nerdy, lonely losers and move on with their lives. Ok to be more precise - they do kind of care, in the sense that they show sympathy / pity - but they aren't doing much about it.

Anyway... back on topic -

I am a man of very, very few words - not by "choice", but because I have no choice.
That's all I know. That's all I can be. I don't know what to say. What's appropriate to say.
I don't know what to do in social situations. I just don't know. And nothing's out there to teach me what to do. How to do it. Sigh. I give up. I just don't know how to move forward from here. I feel trapped at a dead end.

I reminisce -
even as a child,
I was that lone boy stuck in a library.
When we visited other people, I read books, and didn't talk.
When I travelled with my parents - I was very, very quiet, to the extent that they'd "forget I was even there"
I've always been the quiet one.
I sat alone a lot.
I walked alone a lot.
As a child it was all ok. I call it children's bliss. At that age society doesn't impose 'normality' upon them, as an imperative.
Quietness has been a part of myself for so long.

I just don't know how to let it go. I don't know how I'll live without it. I don't know how to function without it. I don't know how to go about life without it.

I don't know how to "change" without "acting". Yes, acting implies that I haven't changed really - that in the core, I am still that quiet, shy, self, but I try to "act" that I'm not. To be frank, I don't think this will ever work. Because you are fooling yourself. You're pretending. And I don't want to be that way - I want to live my life, not "act" it!

If I am my shy self - so be it. That's me.

Society! Can you hear me? THIS IS WHO I AM. Accept me or reject me, I don't care. Just don't force me against my will.

A Sonnet To The Girl In My Math 113 Class

Her skin is softer than a dove's feather,

More grace in her finger than can be measured,

Eyes so deep I could watch them forever,

Voice so enchanting it has to be heard.

In math one-thirteen I sit next to her,

Away from lecture my attention is lured,

Can't help but stare to my side at this treasure,

A Goddess to me... she must think I'm a nerd.

My heart burns for her: I want it so much.

Oh why do I bother? Why do I pine?

What I wouldn't give for a single touch,

But her love, I fear, shall never be mine.

I suppose that this was intended to be,

The girls that I love? They never love me.

- by wyv.
Source: http://everything2.com/e2node/A%2520Sonnet%2520To%2520The%2520Girl%2520In%2520My%2520Math%2520113%2520Class

Defeating the fear of failure

"I must allow myself the freedom to screw up without making a federal case out of it. I need to be able to stutter, say something dumb, be politically incorrect, stumble, risk being boring, risk being too chatty, forget what I was going to say, excuse myself from a disastrous conversation, and accept that people will also excuse themselves (though not necessarily because of me)."

- shyandquiet.com

"The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure"

-Sven Goran Erikkson

"Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong"

- Peter T. Mcintyre