Pristine waters

Who is your subconscious role model?

2011-04-29T10:47:00.001+12:00

Each and every one of us has a subconscious role-model in our minds that we all aim to become. Not surprisingly, our behaviours everyday endeavour to shape itself in the likeness of that person.

Who is that “role model” that I have in my mind that I seem to model towards? And does it need reviewing?

My current role model

He is a quiet, reticent, well-mannered but soft-spoken scholarly gentleman wearing traditional, conservative clothes. He leads a stable life – a peaceful life. He wears gentle spectacles. He prefers the company of books than other people, however with others like him, he gets along incredibly well. He is usually the stand-back observer when it comes to life’s activities. He has achieved eminent, scholarly, things in his life, though most people do not understand his works, whilst they still do respect him. He is incredibly polite and does not want to stand in anyone’s way. Overall he is a nice, intelligent – with always a “gleam in his eye”, seemingly thinking of something profound – and gentle-natured person.

Reviewed role model

As for above plus:

Though he is a scholarly man, he does not mind getting his “hands dirty” at all – including to help out, at the lowest level, of those in need. He treasures the activities of daily life in people as well as his scholarly works. With the people of everyday he is able to hold everyday conversations – the courtesies of modern day life. In fact, he strains not to make any distinction between him and “others” – he knows he is “just another human being” out there, but does not feel any less because of this – in fact, he feels empowered, being part of a community.

He is a dynamic person, flexible to adapt. He knows there is a broader world out there beyond the bookcases, whilst simultaneously acknowledging the universes held within the books themselves.

Though he is a quiet man, he doesn’t think of this as a weakness – rather, as a strength. He turns this trait on its head; he is able to maintain all the “manners” of society by engaging in conversation, and also speaking up when it is necessary (and sometimes when it isn’t necessary).

This is a man who doesn’t pride in holing himself up in the ivory tower – but rather gets out, into that town below, and jumps right into the midst, the foray, and sometimes – the chaos. Whilst in the meanwhile keeping the treasures found in his books close to his heart – not throwing them away too.

Amidst it all, he is able to keep a clear head of who he is, what he is doing, and where he is going. He has a clear sense of who he is and is proud of it.

He engages, dances, enjoys the company of other people. Yet at the same time – that gleam in his eye always remains. In fact, some state that there is a fire in his eye now.

His love for the world grows, whilst his intellectual acumen remain as sharp as ever.

Some contributory factors that made me who I am; the roller-coaster ride of life

2011-03-05T11:40:00.005+13:00

(in no particular order)

“External” factors

1. Being an only child. Yeah, in itself, being an only child does not lead to me – there are many only childs out there who are otherwise extroverted. However, it certainly is a factor when considered amidst other factors; the fact that you did not have siblings of similar age that you could interact with and hone social skills.

2 . Cultural background. The usual counter-argument to this was that “but you have troubles with both cultures, so surely the issue isn’t cultural”. The counter-counter argument is that it was a crucial factor which affected your development as a person - amidst the other factors, of course. Social exclusion and “racism” based on culture is undeniable; yes, all other people of my culture would have experienced this, however when present amidst the other factors, such experiences of “rejection” and of feeling “abnormal”, “not belonging” certainly played a part.

3. “Unconventional” family environment. I respect my family very much. However, I must say we are indeed an “unconventional” family in many respects – with differing expectations on myself as a person. In a more welcoming society this would have been an advantage; however in a conformist society it is not. I was brought up where the expectations placed on me – especially social expectations – were certainly different. Also, I must say, I had relatively little exposure to social experiences, and there wasn’t all that much “social modelling” that went on. I really, really, do not blame anyone for this; in many respects it’s just how things “played out”. Factors 1 and 2 interplay with this very much.

4. “Troublesome” transition into adolescence. Once again, this is but a factor amidst many. But sometimes I wonder – had I stayed in the same area throughout my childhood and adolescence, affiliating with the same peers – that I may have had a more “normal” adolescence. This is, however, pure conjecture. No one knows how things may have turned out. Perhaps a few lucky draws of the straws during adolescence may have changed things. Once again I hesitate to “blame” my adolescence – for, despite its formative influences on myself, it was indeed, a “good one”.

5. Lack of “proper” social exposure during childhood and adolescence. Once again, this is compounded by all of the factors mentioned. The friendships I had… well they were “normal”, then again “not normal”. I did not have the exposure that many others of my age had as they grew up – that key exposure to learn social skills. But the vicious cycle started quite early on for me – the person who I was prevented me from experiencing more “proper” exposures, further moulding who I am.

6. Lack of positive affirmation. Abundance of negative criticism. Unfortunately, I believe I lacked something so crucial as a child / adolescent growing up – affirmation. Someone who kept cheering for you and being by your side, through your social tribulations. Someone who could continually say “you can do this”. Rather what I experienced was an abudance of negative criticism; the message was mainly that of “you can’t, you can’t, you can’t”. Thus I further cringed away into myself, with no one to “push me from behind”.

“Internal” factors

7. “Shyness”. Introversion. I don’t thing this needs any further explaining. This has been the factor of note. Why do I say it’s “internal”? Because it was present within myself from birth. I know that. I guess the key thing to note that is whilst yes, I was born as a “shy” person, had I been nurtured in a supportive, constructive and affirmative environment, I may have turned out to be a “confident shy” person, if that makes sense; to be “introverted with pride” or “normally introverted” or have “well-adjusted shyness”.

8. Aspergers? I really feel I may have a dose of this. Why? Because of some of the unconventional things I used to do as a child. Those countless drawings of highways; of roads; playing traffic jams. I don’t know – no other child did such things. I don’t know, perhaps I do have this. I wish it wasn’t so damned expensive to get an official diagnosis!

Conclusion

All I can say is this – child development is incredibly interesting; the way in which a person becomes a person. So many interplaying factors. So many things moulding that baby into a person. If you think about it, by and large the things I have mentioned here are non-controllable factors – that is, factors that kind of just “pushed” me into being who I am. I – like a tiny leaf stuck within the currents of a gushing river – was pushed this way and that, powerless (what powers does that leaf have to direct its own way amidst such torrents?). Yet the person such things moulded me to be, is the person I am having to live with, to deal with, 24/7.

Where does my will come into all this? Where does my spirit come into all this?

And this, I guess, is the moment that finally some praise is bestowed upon you. For through such tumultous tides you have travelled – you “held out” with a perseverance, an un-bending will. Perhaps a better analogy than a leaf would be a raft, with you on it, being swept down a raging chasm. You do not know where you’re heading, you’re hurt by everything that has a go at you; yet you persevere; you go on. With your clothes in tatters, you still hold on. You’re swept off your feet, you fall over, yet you still hold on to that raft with dear life – indeed, one could call it the roller-coaster ride of life – as a passenger on it, you do not have control over where the roller-coaster will go, yet you persevere, you go on.

And perhaps, therein lies the beauty – the spirit of who you are. Where you stop wondering why you were put on this rollercoaster, reproaching oneself and the world for every turn it takes, for those crazy upside-down journeys.

But where you sit back – hang on – and even start enjoying, that roller-coaster ride of life.

Letting your true self shine through

2011-02-04T17:55:00.003+13:00

For a long while I thought what I needed was “change”, that is, that I myself was inadequate to be who I was, hence what I needed to do was become another person.

I have recently realised that is not the case – if anything, it was I who had shielded myself from truly shining through. It’s like I have this burning fire within, my “true self”. However, I tried to hide it from the rest of the world.

But it is when we sometimes witness the “rays” of our true self shining through, beyond the blankets we have imposed upon it ourselves –

That we realise, the answer does not lie without –

But within.

Let’s take the example of a seed. Would we say that the seed “changes” into a tree?

No. We say it grows into a tree. Nothing intrinsic has changed about that seed. Everything – the whole potential of that tree – was contained within that seed. The seed never “changed” – it simply manifested what was hidden within. It became itself, in the fullest sense of that word.

So often we believe we’re simply at odds with this world, that we need to “change”. We so often wish we could be another person. Yet the answer is actually the complete opposite. We have to become ourselves.

Let the light inside you shine through. Grow! Flourish! Unleash the truest potential inside you. No one is asking you to change – we’re simply asking you to become who you really are.

A person

2011-01-25T20:31:00.003+13:00

Whilst culture is important

We’re more than our culture

Whilst religion is important

We’re more than our religion

Whilst achievements are important

We’re more than our achievements

Whilst personality is important

We’re more than our personality

Whilst intelligence is important

We’re more than our intelligence

Whilst beauty is important

We’re more than our beauty

Whilst suffering is important

We’re more than our suffering

For a person is a universe unto themselves

Like a jewel with many facets

Each glinting, and sparkling;

Yet the facet is not the person -

The person is the jewel.

Love is acceptance

2011-01-12T00:03:00.003+13:00

Love is acceptance

The dreaded group-socialising

2010-12-02T16:47:00.003+13:00

I find that one-on-one interactions with people are much eaiser than group socialising. When it's one-on-one, I find that people are much more genuine; they aren't there "trying to impress others", so to speak.

Also when it's one-on-one, the pace and the content of any interaction will quickly be "tailored for the pair of you". I have noticed how rapidly the other person "adapts" to the sort of person I am. They quickly realise that I am a shy, quiet person, and so adjust themselves and the interaction accordingly. Thus, even if the interaction turns out "awkward" (which as someone with SA is 99% of social interactions anyway), you feel a bit better because you know the other person has at least tried to pry you open.

Contrast that with the dreaded group-socialising, which to me is a completely different beast. I just find it well, chaotic, hectic and bewildering. Suddenly a whole lot of new priorities come into play, namely each person tries to impress the group, and tries to show that they 'fit in' with other members of that group. Exchanges shoot across all over the place; the topic of talk changes rapidly; someone cracks a joke, everyone laughs, another person says something, everyone laughs again...

And how does one feel amidst all that? I feel like a lost child, an orphan at a busy intersection. You observe people busily shooting past you. You just feel completely lost, and alone. That is how I feel within group situations.

It's funny. I never feel loneliness when I'm alone. I feel incredible loneliness when I'm with a "group" of people.

Conversation is ALL about responding

2010-10-31T11:08:00.002+13:00

Here is a truth that no one tells you yet is so very true.

Conversation is all about responding. THAT is what differentiates a conversation from an interrogation.

Conversation is about not ignoring or ‘passing over’ what they have just said – it’s about following it up. Follow it up, follow it up, follow it up, follow it up.

The following is one of the worst things you can do in a conversation:

A: Speaks about something.

B: “Oh ok.” Then a big silence, or asks about something completely different disjointed and unrelated to what Person A has just said.

You see doing that is terrible in a conversation. Conversation is NOT a “frantic search” on your behalf of thinking of what to ask next. Rather it’s all about responding. When the focus is on responding rather than “running down a checklist” – that is when things will happen naturally.

As scary as it sounds – it is only when we let go of that metal bar holding you back to the shore – and be swept away by conversation – that true conversation occurs. It is all about responding. ALL about responding.

And this is where the art of conversation comes in. The fact that you are continually responding does NOT mean you “abandon your own agenda”; no – your agenda is always at the back of your mind – however, it should not be made ridiculously overt like in an interrogation. Things should flow “naturally”; how do you make things flow “naturally”? By RESPONDING. Conversation is ALL about responding. I just want you to get this straight to begin with, and we’ll add the details later.

Conversation is like a game of tennis – you hit the same ball back and forward. A conversation goes like this – you “serve” the ball (with an open question). They then reply to you (hit the ball back, with an “answer”, a “story” or a “comment”). What do you do next? No, you don’t let the ball just fly past you with some feeble answer like “oh ok”. You hit THAT ball back. A reply to their reply. You DON’T serve them a “completely new ball”.

This is what I mean – when I say conversation is all about responding. Responding to what they have said, responding to how they are feeling. It is when your mind is set on responding that any emphatic responses will come naturally and not be contrived.

Don’t be afraid, that because you are always responding that you will not ‘cover your grounds’ – of course you will. Of course you will. But it’ll just all happen more naturally. Conversation is ALL about responding.

Follow up, follow up, follow up, follow up. We all know that in your heart, you do not ignore everything they’re saying. But as the other person, they don’t know whether you’re ignoring them or not. That is why we need to follow up – to make it overt that we have LISTENED to what they have said, and that we are responding.

Conversation is all about responding. You might think that you only need to respond should they ask a question. That is not true at all! You should respond to ANYTHING they say – not just those that end in a question mark.

You see – what differentiates a stilted, unnatural conversation, to that of a natural, flowing, emphatic conversation – is whether you are continually responding to what they’re saying or not.

People are complex. In order to show that you care, you must respond. You could have a heart of gold but if you never respond they will not know anything. Conversation is all about responding.

No one can be denied of happiness - no, no one.

2010-10-11T14:01:00.002+13:00

People think it’s impossible to be happy when you are disabled. When you are impoverished. When you are sick. When you are alone. When you are inferior. When no one likes you. When you are severely disfigured.

But you see – that is a merely a thought, a perception – and one that can be most certainly be broken.

I have seen happiness in -

The poorest of people

The most disabled

The most alone

The most sick

The most ‘inferior’

The most disfigured

You see, such things are but appendages of who we are. Who are we to say – that such things should stop one from experiencing happiness? Of course we cannot say that. Because life is greater. It’s so much greater than the shackles that society likes to put around us, the boxes, the limits. They say we cannot be happy – well let me tell you – oh yes we can, oh yes we can.

It is society’s sin of attributing unhappiness that is wrong. That is depressing – in fact, it acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy to those people.

Well let me tell you a self-fulfilling prophecy that’s much better – no one can be denied of happiness. No, no one. Society might think that someone cannot be happy. But that’s what society thinks. No one can deny an individual from being happy.

You see, in order for criticism to hurt, it requires your consent. In order for mockery to hurt, it requires your consent. In order for labelling to hurt, it requires your consent. It is when you start believing society’s labels, expectations and attributions that things actually start hurting. It is when you deny such beliefs that – voila – one can be happy with who one is.

You have every right to be who you are, and be happy with it.

What is hope?

2010-09-06T21:15:00.002+12:00

As long as you have hope

All is possible

In the darkest of times

As long as you have hope

You know there is life in this world

When you remember forgotten beauties

When those forgotten emotions come back to you

And you suddenly remember

That the world wasn’t always so bad after all…

When you play that song

You just realise that

Things that are crushingly challenging

Are also immensely beautiful too

You are a brave guy, you really are

Taking on things that are really hard for you

I applaud you for that – I really, really do

I respect you for that

Only I know the hardships you go through

And I really respect you for that

And I know there is hope in this world

There is no such thing as an impossible thing

They are simply made by barriers that we erect in our hearts

When we tear down those barriers

You just realise

What a bright place this world is after all

The world only grows darker, and smaller, by barriers that I create

By roofs that I create to block out the sun

When really

The world isn’t so bad at all

When those happy memories flood back to me I realise

There is more to me than I define for myself

There is more to life than the way I define it;

There is more to this world.

Like a ray of light shining through a door open ajar

There is more to it…

Why is the valley of despair so despairing?

If that valley becomes everything, if it consumes you. If you can no longer think outside of that valley. Then it swallows you. The valley becomes the world, the world becomes the valley.

Under such situations, what is hope?

Hope is like a ray of light shining down the star-lit sky

Telling you that the valley isn’t everything

That the world is a greater place.

The road goes ever on and on - Life as a Quest

2010-05-24T16:44:00.002+12:00

What a boring story would it be to tell

Of a life perfect, with no gaffes, with no mistakes, with no shame.

Life is a quest

With all its

Tribulations and trials

Mistakes and shame

Failings and misfortune

Have you heard of that phrase –

Life goes on

On this road many trials await us

Yet life goes on

It is a quest to be pursued

By ill-prepared, ill-equipped individuals;

Nonetheless; ‘tis a noble quest; an epic journey, a road to be travelled

Yes, there will be setbacks, yes, there will be pits of agony

The road to heaven is paved with thorns and crosses

Life goes on – and so does the quest

We may think “it is over”

Yet when we realise, we are still in possession of that quest

We know life goes on

Thus it is with eager hearts we resume our journey

Because we know

Our journey is too great to end here

The road goes ever on and on

Why should we give up? Why should we lie down, just because we have experienced a few setbacks? A few doses of misfortune?

I remind myself – ‘tis the narrative of life; ‘tis life’s story

And the quest leads us on

Through all that is thrown us; through all that we must endure; through all that we must bear; through all that we must summon courage to face

Through the darkest recesses, the loneliest of caverns, the coldest of winters; the pangs of pain

The journey continues; the quest of life reveals what’s in store for us

And we grow, grow, we grow – our mistakes, our most valuable mirrors; our failings, our most precious experience. As time passes, we grow wiser – from all those mistakes we have beared; from all the pain we have endured. And we continue to pursue that quest.

And so we write down our epic tale, of fortune and misfortune, of joy and sorrow, of laughter and tears, of warmth and cold. Our quest leads us on and on, and our tale grows and grows.

Life is a journey, a road to be travelled, a path to be trodden.

The quest continues to lead us on. It is because of that ever-present quest, that at any point in the journey I do not sit down and wallow in despair – because I know the quest goes on. No matter what happens, the quest goes on. And I am happy for it. Because I know it goes on. Because I know it is not the end of me. Because – because you know, you know – that there is more inside you – and the quest is a reassurance of that. That these were merely setbacks. The quest goes on. And so does myself.

With eager foot, I step on that road again. The road goes on and on, and so shall I.

The Ugly Duckling

2010-05-16T14:49:00.003+12:00

There was nothing inherently wrong with the ugly duckling. But in a world that was so different to who he was, all he could do was question. Is there something wrong with me? What is wrong with me? Why are others treating me this way? Why am I so different to everyone else? Why can’t I be like everyone else?

The ugly duckling felt lonely. Alone. He just couldn’t understand the world around him. He saw no hope. He was all by himself. Everyone was so different. He could not understand anyone. No one could understand him. Nothing made sense. Why me, he thought. Why this cruel fate.

Others found the ugly duckling puzzling. They stayed away from him. He was too different. Too out-of-this-world. Too alien. They didn’t know what to do with him. They could not relate to him.

Through many lonely days and nights the ugly duckling lived. Always feeling out-of-place. Always feeling disconnected. Always feeling alone. He could not understand. He longed to understand, but he could not. It just didn’t make sense. He tried to be like the others. But he couldn’t. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t change who we was. He continued to be that ugly duckling. That mutant. That aberration. That mistake of nature. He felt alone.

Life became an act for the ugly duckling. He tried to quack like the other ducklings – but it never came out like he wanted it to. He tried to copy the others – yet often it just failed miserably. He cried. He didn’t know why life was like this. He didn’t know what he was doing wrong. He didn’t know why he couldn’t be like the others. He was trying, oh yes, he was trying. He was trying like never before. But nothing could change who he was. He cried, and cried.

As the duckling grew older he became good at mimicking the others. But he just knew that really, he was different. Too different from these others. So he felt alone, terribly alone. His glaringly different appearance earnt him many questioning, puzzled looks – from those that were nice; and many indignancies, jibes and mockeries from those that were not. The duckling just continued to cry. This wasn’t what he wanted from life. Yet what could he do? How could he change who we was?

No one saw the swan in the ugly duckling.

The ugly duckling withered away, never realising who we was, never realising all that he could have been.

***

Let us swap sides for now. If we were the other ducklings – and we find someone so “different”. It is easy to discriminate; it is easy to be miserable to that ugly duckling. You are “normal”; he is “abnormal”. You are “healthy”; he isn’t. You “belong”; he doesn’t. It is easy to just let him cry to sleep by himself. It is easy to just let things be. It is easy to just say “oh well, he’s just a miserable mutant, why is it any of my business” and forget about it. It is easy.

So many people’s beautiful lives are quashed like this because they are “different” in some way. They are banished and forgotten. No one sees past the differences. No one sees hope. No one sees anything good coming out of those that are different to them. Difference = bad.

It is easy to label the ugly duckling as ugly and call it a day. No one sees past the ‘ugliness’ of the ugly duckling. No one sees all that he could be and can be. No one sees the unique ways in which that ugly duckling can contribute to their society. No one sees what unique perspectives the ugly duckling might be able to provide. No one sees what unique talents the ugly duckling might possess that may benefit them all. No one sees what wonders the ugly duckling might be able to show them.

Or worse – they might ‘see’ such things, but actively suppress them. Because they are scared and afraid. They want the status quo. This ugly duckling becoming a part of their lives is a frightening concept. They don’t want that to happen. So they banish the ugly duckling. They obliterate the ugly duckling from their minds.

It takes courage to nurture that ugly duckling. To see the ugly duckling as more than being just ‘ugly’. It takes courage, and strength, to see past difference. It takes courage to embrace him. It takes courage to see the good in him. It takes courage to ask the ugly duckling to be all that he can be. It takes courage for us to give the ugly duckling a chance. A chance at life.

And then – then – perhaps then –

Suddenly we realise him transforming to a swan right before our eyes

Not because anything inherent about him changed

But because the way we perceive him has changed

And we accept him, embrace him as a part of us –

A unique part of us.

Atop the cliff

2010-05-08T14:13:00.001+12:00

Standing atop the cliff here I am. Looking out over the sea. I breathe in the ocean air. The wind flitters through my hair.

Here I am. 200 meters above the sea. Here I am. Betwixt turmoil and trouble, here I am. A lone statue gazing towards infinity. Atop the hill, here I am. The wind batters me. The salt sears my skin. Here I am. The whispering grass is my company, the roaring wind is my accomplice. Here I am, in betwixt a grey sky and a stretching horizon.

I feel the wind battering me. I feel it rush through every inch of my skin. The only sound to be heard is the whistling wind and the crashing waves. Not a soul in sight, not a life in sight. Here I am. Myself and nature. Here I am. How more fundamental can you get. Here I am, standing atop the cliff. Here I am, gazing out afar. Here I am.

Miseries forgotten, troubles left behind. Here I am, standing atop this cliff. The wind is my catharsis, the waves are the killers of my woe. This is where I stand, this is where I am. And it is in this desolace one revels. Here, thousands of miles away from the nearest soul, one finds what it means to be oneself. Here, facing nature alone, one finds the true nature of life. Here, here, here, atop the cliff. Inches away from the waters below, here one finds the meaning of life. Here, here. Not anywhere else – but here, amidst this wind, amidst these waves, amidst these rolling grass – here one finds company, here one finds what it means to be. I have not felt more alive before. As the wind batters me I feel the blood course through my veins.

Away, away, away from it all! Here! Yes, I am finally here! I am gazing out, towards the endless ocean, to all that lies ahead. Yes, here! Behind me, lies all that came before, the miseries and woes of civilization, of all that and more. But they lie all behind me; what is evident right now is the wind on my skin, and the crush of the waves. Here, I define life. Here, I define what it means to be. It is my decision. It is in my control. Here, as the wind soars through who I am, I feel more alive than ever. It is the ecstacy of being who you are, against nature and nature alone.

The wind is refreshing. The life is empowering. Here I find who I am. Here I realise who I am. This is life. So long as you have a beating heart – that is life. All else is excess – needless excess. I bathe in the gushing rain. My skin is cleansed by nature’s force. I relish it, I cherish it. This is real – THIS is real.

I open my eyes. The sun is rising over the horizon. I feel bliss like I have never felt before. I feel that in order to be – I just need a beating heart. That is all. All else is how we make of it. All else is excess.

Nature and me. Me and nature. Nothing else. I have never felt in my place so much before. I have never felt such belonging ever before. Suddenly, I can breathe with the land beneath my feet, the ocean that lie before me. Suddenly, they come alive, they are more real than anything I’ve seen before. This is real. This is real. And I feel free. Free. Alive.

The Fire of Life

2010-04-09T23:23:00.001+12:00

Indescribable

That is the word

That is the word I was looking for

Just undescribable until you’ve seen it

Just undescribable until you’ve experienced it

Just undescribable until you’ve felt it

So let me take your hand

Take you on a journey

To show you the indescribable

Always show – never tell

That is the task of the poet, the artist

Magic exists

In our hearts

Wonder exists

So long as we don’t block it out

Hope exists

It all exists!

It is only our task to accept it

As long as your mind stays open

It’s like lighting a fire

Perhaps, at the start, it is a guided action

But whoosh once it starts – it burns, it gains a life of its own!

The fire doesn’t have to think about what it’s doing;

Rather, it dances with the whim of its own

It lets free, it lets go

And so is life

Start the fire

And let the fire burn

Let it take on a life of its own

Don’t try to control it too hard

It is beautiful

It is the spark of life

Vivace

Hope

2010-02-11T17:43:00.002+13:00

As long as you have hope

All is possible

In the darkest of times

As long as you have hope

You know there is life in this world

When you remember forgotten beauties

When those forgotten emotions come back to you

And you suddenly remember

That the world wasn’t always so bad after all…

When you play that song

You just realise that

Things that are crushingly challenging

Are also immensely beautiful too

And I know there is hope in this world

There is no such thing as an impossible thing

They are simply made by barriers that we erect in our hearts

When we tear down those barriers

You just realise

What are bright place this world is after all

The world only grows darker, and smaller, by barriers that I create

By roofs that I create to block out the sun

When really

The world isn’t so bad at all

When those happy memories flood back to me I realise

There is more to me than I define for myself

There is more to life than the way I define it;

There is more to this world.

Like a ray of light shining through a door open ajar

There is more to it…

Why is the valley of despair so despairing?

If that valley becomes everything, if it consumes you. If you can no longer think outside of that valley. Then it swallows you. The valley becomes the world, the world becomes the valley.

Under such situations, what is hope?

Hope is like a ray of light shining down the star-lit sky

Telling you that the valley isn’t everything

That the world is a greater place.

The greatest poverty

2009-11-19T14:06:00.001+13:00

“The greatest disease in the West today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread but there are many more dying for a little love. The poverty in the West is a different kind of poverty — it is not only a poverty of loneliness but also of spirituality. There’s a hunger for love, as there is a hunger for God.”

- Mother Teresa

Journey

2009-10-26T23:11:00.004+13:00

A journey

Ill-carried

Is a journey that only cared about its end;

A journey

Well-carried

And beautiful

Is a journey

Where every step

Mattered.

The ridiculously simple solution

2009-10-09T16:14:00.003+13:00

I finally realised... the ridiculously simple solution - to a ridiculously simple problem in essence.

Why was I so bad at talking?

Because, no one would... bother to talk to me seriously. No one would bother to have a real conversation with me. They knew I didn't have much talking skills, hence they didn't bother. They thought that too much work was required on their part to talk to someone as reclusive as me.

Well ok. So there I was. Oh, so you want me to go learn talking skills before I can talk to you? Well, sure. Ok, so... how does one acquire talking skills? By talking of course! ... But oh wait - I just said that no-one would talk to me unless I gained some talking skills...

Despite looking like a Catch-22, the answer was ridiculously simple.

It was to have someone... who will endure you. Someone who will talk to you seriously. Someone who could perservere with you; someone who could tell you that you were fine; someone who talked to you without that ridiculous pre-condition of pre-learnt talking skills.

And I am a fast learner.

When someone was actually willing to talk to me - seriously -
I learnt the art of conversation pretty quickly. The art of empathy.
It was just that...
I just needed someone to... actually talk to me.

And I look back -
Why did I have such bad conversation skills?
Because, I never, in my life, had a chance to engage in proper conversation!
Conversation is a 2-way thing - yet if the other person is unwilling, how would one ever practise conversation skills?

I finally realise

Why...

Patience and perserverence are such wonderful virtues - especially when it comes to interpersonal matters.

All I "needed"... was someone to "endure" my lack of skills. Someone who wouldn't be turned away by that -someone who would give me a chance. A chance, a chance, a chance... - a chance to practise, a chance to engage, a chance to converse, a chance to talk, a chance to listen, a chance to empathise...

The ridiculously simple answer -

The key to learning conversation skills is...
By actually having conversations. ("Proper" ones though - in the sense that the other person takes it seriously.)

It's amazing.
When someone actually offers you a chance -
What you can do.

It's amazing -
What change you can make to people's lives
By simply talking to them - talking to those whom society deems "unworthy to talk to", because they have "no social skills".

Don't give up. Persevere. Find beauty in them. Reward them - provide positive feedback - when they start creeping out of that shell, however tentative and "amateur" they may be. When they offer empathy to you, when they're making those tentative steps at conversation and emotional expression - provide reinforcement! Embrace them! Love them! For those small things are a glimpse of great things ahead - but what they critically need is encouragement. They need affirmation that those steps matter to someone. That their voice does not pass unheard. Offer them pointers. Offer them a hand.

***

A baby's first steps are
Clumsy, unskilled, awkward

Yet if there were no-one cheering them on
Who of them will stand tall and walk?

***

True warmth is warmth offered to coldness

True light is light that illuminates the darkness

True love is loving that which is unworthy to be loved

The Inner Fire

2009-09-25T13:55:00.003+12:00

Remain positive.

Push yourself but remain positive.

Hope is the light that shines upon one’s soul.

In the darkest of days, if there is hope, there is life; there is future.

What is more important than the “outside” – which may be a drab, dark, damp ruins –

Is the inner fire.

An inner fire that burns regardless of everything else.

An inner fire that ceases to tire.

An inner fire that continues regardless of whatever happens outside.

The inner fire –

Allows everything to be possible;

In the darkest valleys;

In the swamps of despair;

If the fire still burns inside you

Then no matter how you may look outside –

Battered, hurt, bruised –

There is a future

For externality

Is in so many respects, deceiving;

What you must kindle

And be aware of

Is the fire that burns inside;

A fire that may be invisible –

To everyone

But you.

And as long as you never let that fire die;

As long as you keep the fire alive –

The outside – means nothing

You may be in the direst of straits;

Darkest of times

But if that fire burns

The fire of hope

There is a future

Never, ever underestimate the power of potentials

That thing called potentiality is such an interesting thing –

If you believe in it –

It comes into existance! Like waving a magic wand.

If you do not believe in it –

Then it indeed fades away…

Believe in hope. Believe in the future. Believe in potentiality. Whatever your current situation is – in some sense, that hardly matters at all!

What truly matters are your potentials; the fire that burns inside

A fire invisible to everyone else

Yet a fire, nonetheless, that is your uttermost treasure

A fire that you will never allow to die

What matters not is now

What matters is the potential for the future

Everyone

Everyone can complain about now

Everyone can look at the misery they are in now

Everyone can look at the ruins of now

But if you have the inner fire burning

You know –

That this is not the end of the story

The story continues

The fire continues to burn.

A Beautiful Mind is...

2009-09-21T11:19:00.003+12:00

Someone who can say “No” when everyone’s saying “Yes”

Someone who can go against the flow in chase of their heart’s desire

Someone who is willing to make a true Difference; a Mark upon this world

Someone who can defy all that is placed before them

Someone who does something that no one expects – someone who utterly shatters expectations, just to show how utterly misplaced some people’s judgments, assumptions, and expectations are

* * *

In a world defined by the environment

In lives that are defined by the environment

Such Beautiful Minds show

What it means to be an individual

And to truly live

It is true

That when we are born

We are born into the shackles of socio-culture;

Where the idea of “free will” seems to be non-existant;

And we feel just some part of a giant machine;

Our lives played out and destined already

By shackles of our environment

Yet

This is where the Beautiful Mind shines

To say “no”

To defy their environment

There is the age-old

Genetics vs. Environment debate

Describing the

Deterministic nature of human life;

Seemingly –

Seemingly all that occurs in one’s life can be explained by either

Genetic or environmental factors

But there is one thing missing from the above picture

The above can apply to animals, or anything else;

But not – completely to humans –

For

The above forgets the power of free will

Exercised in the hands of a Beautiful Mind

Breaking open

Those fetters;

Liberating

Oneself from all that tenaciously binds them

And to fly free

They say

Humans are like sheep

Blindly following one another

Swayed this way and that

By environmental factors

By forces that seemingly overpower them

Into submission

Yet once again

Not all humans are like sheep

For there are those that fly free

The lone eagles

The albatrosses

That fly in search of their heart’s desire

On love

2009-09-04T14:36:00.002+12:00

Today I shall write on the subject of love, something distinctively rare in this world.

In a world of criticism

In a world that tells you that you’re always doing it all wrong

In a world where your life is not worth living

In a world that is so unliveable

In a world where you are no longer a person

In a world where you’re nobody

In a world where you don’t exist

In a world where everything goes wrong

In a world you cannot change

In a world that is all about bringing others down

In a world about living at others’ expense

In a world where you can never be comfortable

In a world where one can never find solace

In a world where one is always alone

Love – love …. Means a lot. It means a lot. It means the world. It means everything.

What I want is simple.

I just want someone to truly care about me.

I just want someone to tell me –

That despite this sick world we live in – that despite all those misgivings –

That there is hope.

That in a world where everything goes wrong –

That at least one thing could go right

What more can I want; what more can I want…

One thing going right would satisfy me.

I want to feel like I exist in this world.

I want to feel as if my existence matters – not just some “thing” that’s a waste of space that no-one could care less about.

I’ve just realised –

I am so alone… so alone… so… alone. No one cares about me.

Love is a simple thing.

It’s a simple thing.

It’s simply about caring about people.

It’s telling them that they’re more than just junk made up of assembled organic matter.

It’s telling them that they’re beautiful… they’re beautiful… NOTHING could replace them… nothing in this world…

Regardless – regardless of everything –

What their life has been like, what their environment has been like, whatever, whatever…

Don’t JUDGE... just LOVE.

Just LOVE. Just LOVE.

For EVERYONE deserves love. No matter who they are. No matter who they are. Just never forget this.

Anyone can love their brothers, or friends. That is not love. That is SO not love.

Why did Jesus tell us to love our enemies?

Because EVERYONE deserves LOVE.

For people are SO much more… than our EXPECTATIONS and ASSUMPTIONS of them…

They are so much more… so much more… who are we to judge? NEVER, NEVER, NEVER. You can’t JUDGE a person. That is the basis of all hatred, all enmity in this world – and of course – the lack of “love”.

It is not that we do not love.

It is that we JUDGE most people not to be “worthy” of our love.

When you love someone

You love everything about them.

You love their scars – you love the marks of tear and wear upon their souls

You love everything they have gone through

You love… embrace all that they have suffered

You love them for who they are…

The prodigal son… suddenly I understand.

He is in dire need of love…

Who are we to deny it…

Love is not about selectively nit-picking what we think are the “good” bits about another person and then loving those, whilst turning a blind-eye towards “bad” things.

For those things change. “Good” things pale, “bad” things may turn even more sour.

No, no, no!!

You love someone for ALL that they are – deformities and all – and EMBRACE it. You love them because they – as a person, deserve love – no matter who they are.

And trust me,

They will be SHOCKED.

They will be shocked at such expression of true love, of an all-encompassing compassion, of an embrace that they never thought they deserved.

In a world telling them that they do not deserve to exist –

Such love will mean everything.

Don’t turn a blind eye towards someone’s wounds – their weaknesses, their shortcomings, their mistakes.

Be that bandage that covers it. Be that ointment that heals it.

We, as humans, are never in the position to judge anyone else –

We simply do not – or cannot – KNOW enough, and must rely on flawed “expectations” and “assumptions”.

But – though we are not in the position to judge –

We are always in the position to love.

The Need to Belong

2009-08-12T16:25:00.001+12:00

There is that uncanny feeling –

That you don’t belong here.

It is an odd feeling –

Being a perpetual alien; a perpetual outsider.

One knows one is at the wrong place –

When one talks “at a different frequency” to everyone else;

When their commonalities are never your commonalities;

When what they value and do is miles away from yourself;

When what they aspire to is a world away from you.

An odd feeling –

Of being alone.

Of being different –

Of being a world apart.

Sure – one can get ‘used to it’;

But, it’s fair to say –

It’s by no means,

The ideal life to live –

Being a world away from others.

I don’t want to bother conform with people vastly different to me –

I would rather be by myself –

But still –

‘Tis a pity, really, that there are no others like me.

A lonely journey ‘tis – a lonely journey ‘tis.

Walking through this world alone.

Like a shadow, like a spectre.

An existence I am oh-so-used to, yet never really espouse.

The Sociocultural Matrix

2009-08-01T14:55:00.002+12:00

Humans are inextricably bound to a sociocultural matrix that they cannot escape. It is what defines them, it is a part of them too much. The sociocultural experience is simply an inseparable part of the human experience. All human experience distinct from a sociocultural experience is few, and far in between.

Unescapably bound to a culture
Inextricably tied to a culture
Human experience cannot exist on its own without some reference to a culture…

One is lead to question to what extent is one’s experience of this world truly free –

And how much is tied inexorably to sociocultural expectations, norms and values that we, ourselves aren’t even aware of most of the time.

To what extent is an individual’s experience and behaviour but predictable… manifestations of a broader sociocultural matrix?

They act… the way they do –

Because that is what is expected of them by the sociocultural matrix that inextricably binds them?

There is that theory – where… “emergent collective behaviour” results from “individuals” seeking their self-interest;

Well, I am supposing, that in human society at least – perhaps that may be the other way around.

Individuals are inextricably part of a “collective” – and – I want to daresay –

“Individual free will” is an illusion – an emergent property of the collective manifesting in the individual.

For –
An individual isn’t truly “free”;
They are always “bound” by sociocultural norms, expectations, and values;

People say they have "free will" - yet -

How much of their actions are pursuant - wittingly or not - of society's rules and expectations?

I see all these people, and to me - they just all look like ...

"Mindless" machines... just acting as one would expect a part of the collective to do...

People talk of "ant colonies" acting as if it had a mind of its own -

Well - ... how about the other way around ?

There is a collective, a... "mindless" collective, drifting -

It is composed of parts - namely, individuals - ... who.... are equally - I daresay - "mindless"; Yet they believe in the illusion of a mind...

One can ask the so-called free-thinking individual -

How much of those actions, thoughts, that they have in their life -.... were an inextricable product of the socio-cultural matrix that they lived in...

There may be the illusion of so-called free-will - but guess what -

If you truly did what you wanted to do... regardless of sociocultural expectations / "pre-determinations" - Guess what really happens -

You are labelled an outsider. An alien. A misfit. A loner. Extend it further, and you are regarded as "delusioned", "mentally ill"...

It is difficult to illustrate the true and far-reaching extent of the sociocultural matrix ... because all human behaviour is embedded in it so much.

A human without culture is... impossible.....

A human is inextricably bound to a "culture", like it or not;

Human actions are pre-determined by their culture, their environment.... more than ANYTHING else

This is what I mean when I say that the "individual" is but an emergent property of the collective -

Given enough knowledge of the "collective",

It is possible to "construct" an individual - pursuant of that culture's expectations, norms and values. That "individual" need not have any "free will" or anything at all. They can just follow those EXPECTATIONS of an "individual" in such a collective society - ... and no-one would notice that they were an "imposter human"....

No individual is ever "free".

They are handed a socio-culturo-environmental "platter" at the beginning of their life. And they follow a "well-defined route", followed already by a million individuals before them - through a life-course defined by socio-cultural expectations. From birth, through maturation, till death - ... the "individual" need not even "live" - or exercise free will at all...

And I guess it is in this sense -

Cognizant of such deep socio-culturo-environmental shackles

That the term "fate" was coined;

For -

An individual's life...

Ultimately is less influenced by the decisions they make for themselves -than the socio-cultural environment to which they are born to;

And to which they they must.. rigidly follow - consciously or not;

Just being a part of that machine to which they were born into...

Just being a component of a giant...

===

An individual's life is more or less, written in the stars.

The culture they were born into.

Their ethnicity.

Their family.

The historical era.

Their gender.

The economical background.

The "social" background.

Geography.

Collective thought. Collective ideas. Collective norms. Collective values.

At the end of it all -

An individual's life is defined by these "external" things more than anything else.

It is through a path written in the stars

The individual follows...

Deviate from this path? One asks?

But why? How?... No one can live outside a socio-cultural matrix -

when you leave 1 "path" you simply enter another socio-cultural path;

An individual can never TRULY deviate from ANY such socio-cultural path -

And lead a truly "unique" life.

All individuals are shackled the moment they born.

It is in these shackles of socio-culture that we live, and die.

Disconnection

2009-07-21T23:19:00.002+12:00

I have known disconnection for many years.
I have known it for my life.
To feel isolated from the rest of the world. In many, many ways.
To feel that you are not one of them… in many ways.
There are some barriers in this world
Some clefts in this world
Nothing can traverse
No “understanding” –
Or any vain attempt at it –
Can ever traverse these gaps.

Some things are just … different.
You. And I. Are just different.
And it is with lethargy one feels that barrier. It is with sadness. It is with sorrow.
Being a world apart from everyone else…
Feeling an alien amidst everyone else…
One can try to conform – but it is pretension, pitiful pretension – and I have long ceased trying that.

A gulf that can never seal
An understanding that can never occur
We think totally differently…
We may inhabit the same physical planet
But alas, we’re worlds apart…
We just perceive things so differently..

I will never be able to view this world the way you do …
You will never be able to view it the way I do…
It is an irreconciable gap created from a life of… difference; and everything before life itself
You can try, oh you can try.
But it’s pointless, you’ll get nowhere near. It’s just too hard. Unless you have lived my life, you will remain an unfathomable distance from me.

And it is in this sense, in this painful sense –
That I feel alone.

Because I think so differently to other people. We perceive the same things oh-so-painfully-differently. We interpret things, we think about things, oh-so-differently. We value such different things. You try to find common ground? THERE IS NO COMMON GROUND. In fact, thanks to everyone so far for not bothering.

I sometimes try to come up with the “human-argument” – that there is a common ground, that of “being human”. But it’s just pitiful. Plainly pitiful. In reality that is such a small ground because no-one considers it seriously. Only in the direst of circumstances does it become apparent, and only in a minor way. Thus, the fact that you-and-I are both “human” is a VERY weak argument. It’s as weak and supposedly self-evident as saying that you-and-I are both composed of matter. It’s pointless. It’s hardly a common-ground for anything but the most basic, officious human interactions, (such as, “where is the lavatory?”) that don’t mean anything much. The point is that everything else is different. The experience of “life” is just utterly, utterly, undeniably, irreconcilably, different. We may run the same hardware but our “software” is incompatible. We’ll never understand eachother.

I would have conversations if I could have someone that could understand how I think, what I value, what I REALLY like, in the deepest sense. Otherwise conversations are a bore just because… we speak very different languages. The language and life that you “speak” of is… incomprehensible to me. The language and life that I speak of is incomprehensible to you. I can pretend, but as I’ve said, I hate pretending, and it’s – so ridiculously tiring. I can’t live a life pretending all-day everyday not being “myself”.

An intraversible gulf. PLEASE don’t try to think that you can traverse a gulf like that. YOU CAN’T, YOU CAN’T YOU JUST CAN’T. You’ll never understand me. My life so far has repeatedly validated this. A life so different, a life a world apart.

And this is why I hate the politico-socio-cultural administrative bullshit. They don’t realise what they’re truly saying. What it really means. They don’t understand someone like me. I’m a ball from the left field. No one ever even EXPECTS something like me. Never thought of in the calculations. A total oddball. Weirdo. Freak. You guys can all mingle and “understand” eachother. K. Well just be aware: you can’t apply that sort of !@!#shit to someone like me. Your attempts to “understand” fail miserably, oh-so-miserably. I am just illegible, incomprehendable, aren’t I? Good. I hope my existence has proved at least something in this ultraconformist world.

The "ideal person"... ?

2009-07-19T19:00:00.009+12:00

The "ideal person" in the Western World is

Someone who is "always happy"
Someone who is "always enthusiastic"
Someone who is "always passionate about something"
Someone who is "bubbly"
Someone who "always has a positive attitude"

Someone who "loves to have fun"
Someone who has "an endless sense of humour"
Someone who "never ceases laughing / smiling"
Someone who "knows how to have a good time"

Someone who "is outgoing"
Someone who "gets on well with anyone, anywhere, anytime"
Someone who "can make others laugh"
Someone whom "you can have a casual conversation with"
Someone who "isn't too tense"
Someone who "isn't too serious"
Someone who "doesn't think so much"
Someone who is "down-to-earth"
Someone who "is intelligent, but not too intelligent"

Someone who "can balance work and life"
Someone who "can get a million things done, but still be pleasant and humane in demeanour"
Someone who has "a diverse range of interests, hobbies, skills, and experience"

Well, you look at this sort of thing. And start to wonder. ... is there something missing?

In my view, what this "list" shows is that, at least the Western World, fails to accept the human condition in its entirety.

I cannot say it any more frankly than that.

What MISERY it is, if the human condition only consisted of such happy-go-lucky, "outgoing", hyperactive traits? Just think about it. If the entire human race was like that. Would you want to live in such a world? I most certainly, certainly, would not.

The thing is - we live in such a world already - well, sort of. For everyone is expected to be like that, to qualify as a "normal, healthy human being". Sure - there are people who are NOT like that but - well, either they try to conform, or, are frankly, thought of as "undesirables", and lie at the boundaries of mainstream society.

Any trait deviating from the aforelisted "ideals" are immediately frowned upon, disliked, avoided. It can even get worse and label them as downright pathologies / "psychological conditions"

We live in a world where we "cannot be sad". For that is "depression". We live in a world where we are constantly expected to be "happy". I even want to call it happy-sickness.

We live in such a "superficial" world... where this sort of, shall I say, "external happiness / joviality" matters more than anything else?

I want to espouse the human condition in its entirety

Happiness AND sadness
Extroversion AND introversion
Laughter AND tears
Togetherness AND loneliness
Fellowship AND solitude
Ability AND dis-ability
Optimism AND pessimism
Seriousness AND light-heartedness
Enthusiasm AND disillusionment

For, only then,
can we begin to see humans as humans -

frail, yet strong;
negative, yet positive;
sad, yet happy;
lonely, yet social

In the beautiful fullness of the human condition, that encompasses, espouses, EMBRACES all these things and more.

The Social Stuff

2009-07-14T14:35:00.003+12:00

The Academic Stuff is easy. Well not easy per se. But easy. In that I can get the hang of it. I can get into the swing of things. I can enjoy it. I can revel in it; I can get immersed in it. I can find beauty in it; I can be surprised by it; I can find joy.

The Social Stuff is the hard part.

I’m just so shy. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I’m so silent. So silent. So unassertive. So timid. And people will have a negative opinion because of that. It sucks. Being so quiet.

Everyone will judge me by my quietness. It’s like an overlay, a mask over everything else that I am. They fail to see past it. It places a tinge on everything else. I guess this is what I hate about it. I don’t detest quietness per se, but rather what society thinks about it, and how society judges me with it.

Shyness: Two very different perspectives to the same situation.

2009-07-06T19:26:00.004+12:00

This describes me perfectly!

If you're the person on the left you might think that I'm an incredibly boring, untalkative, 'antisocial', stuck-up, kind of guy.

If you're ME, the guy on the right - this is what's happening: suddenly, your mind's gone blank. You have many wonderful ideas, and thoughts regarding what she just said - but suddenly, all of that has just rushed out of your mind. You feel like you're now staring at a blank piece of paper. Meanwhile, time's ticking by rapidly - and the social imperative is that you give an answer. So you hastily say a "no", just to show her that you did not ignore her. You continue to try to think of what to say - but you can't. You just can't, it's like staring at a blank wall. Finally, the other person gives up. The other person leaves, and suddenly, everything you could have said, comes flooding back in.

The same situation.

Two very different experiences.

My Tears

2009-07-04T15:50:00.002+12:00

You can't have a conversation with me.

You talk about something and it is as if it flies right over my head.

You search for responses but there are none.

You want me to say something but I don't.

You want me to react but I just sit there.

You want me to comment but I don't.

I just sit there, I just stand there -

Like a lame duck;

A stone statue.

You think to yourself -

What a boring guy he is. Does he have any humanity at all?

I don't know anything.

I don't sense anything.

It all flies over my head.

I know -

Superficially, "officially", customarily, scholastically, formally;

But I do not know -

Truly, humanely, emotionally, touchingly.

I am -

Someone you could talk to about the answers to an exam question -

But not someone

You can have a casual conversation with

About the weekend

About friends

About the weather

About our lives

About little things

I probably appear

Overly stoic;

"conservative";

tight-mouthed;

old-fashioned;

Unconcerned. Unenthusiastic. Unappreciative. Disliking people, and their lives.

It is -

At the end of the day -

These small things that grip me;

And wrench my heart.

I wish -

I dearly wish -

that I was a more talkative person. That I could... talk more...

Who we are

2009-06-24T10:49:00.002+12:00

“I’m not sure I can do this.”

He hesitated.

Kash’ir looked him straight in the eye. Into those trembling, wavering pupils.

I believe you can.

There was no hesitancy. There was no wavering. Kash’ir’s eyes pierced through Bash’ir.

The air was still. Tranquil.

Before anyone can believe in you –

You must believe in yourself.

I know you can do it. You’re a beautiful person. Do you know how much I care about you? You might think you’re walking through this world all alone. You’re not. I know how it feels. I most certainly do. You might think no one understands you. I do, I do, I do. Watching you, so painfully reminds me of my youth. I was once going through the very same things as you. I know how it feels, trust me.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. That very step is only possible when one believes in it.

I’m asking you to believe in yourself.

I’m not asking you to be someone else. Why should you? You’re such a beautiful, wonderful, person as who you are. But please don’t trample on yourself. Please don’t quash yourself. Please don’t be so harsh on yourself. Of all things, please don’t limit who you are. What you think is “you” is surprisingly only a small part of you! I want you to be all that you can be. All that you were created to be. All that you were placed on this world to be. I want you to realise this. I want you to discover parts of yourself that you yourself have denied.

For so much of who we are is who we believe ourselves to be.

The Impossible Dream

2009-06-03T18:39:00.002+12:00

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go

To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far

To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell
For a heavenly cause

And I know if I'll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star

- from the song "The Impossible Dream"

I am so used to the bull#!$!$ that is life

2009-06-03T18:11:00.002+12:00

Experiences have taught me few things. Life has taught me few things. Here's what they are.

Always expect the world to be unfair.
Always expect for things to go against your way.
Never expect to be rewarded for effort.
Your genes, race and upbringing matter more than whatever else you try to be in life.
Some things are just impossible for some people. Period.
Don't bother beat against a brick wall. Don't try to live an impossible dream.
If things can go wrong, it will, in the worst way possible.
There is no point in life, there is no point in doing anything. It's all a farce, it's all a construct made of thin air and bubbles, which mean nothing.
Everyday life is just a series of things going wrong.
Expect life, the world, everyone, and yourself to be cruel to you.
No one likes you.
Nothing will go right in life. The dream of a peaceful, understanding, fair, happy-go-lucky world is just that - just a dream. It's unrealisable, because of what humans are and what this world is.
As an individual, your "decisions" of "free will" mean !$!$@. They don't really make a difference. What matters more is you getting pushed around by the forces of this crappy world. You can't fight it. You vs. the whole world that's against you. Some odds there.

I donno, that kind of made me feel better. Just describing the truth about this world.

People, people, people ...

2009-05-27T16:55:00.002+12:00

I give up. People are too complicated. I will NEVER understand anyone. I will NEVER get on with anyone. They're too complicated. They're too... unexplainable. I can say something about someone and the moment I say it I am wrong because that person is more than whatever I just said. I can think someone as someone and the moment I do that I'm wrong because that person is more than the person whom I just 'thought'.

Basically I can never think about anyone because doing that is just fantasizing. Whatever I say that links to "people" or "society" or "so-and-so" is bull!$#! because I know I'm wrong, I know all of that just exists inside my head far from reality. Go out in the real world and I just realise I've been playing a show inside my head, none of it exists, no person is ever like the "person" I pictured in my head. They're just too complicated, too unpredictable, too irreducible.

I don't know. Humans are too... "precious" for me to deal with. I don't want to screw anyone's life by getting involved with them. Their life is too precious. It's too hard for me to do anything with them. I just... find myself staying away...

The Importance of Doing What You Love

2009-05-14T17:55:00.003+12:00

I thought it was overrated.
I honestly thought you could come to love to do anything.
I was wrong.

We are born as different individuals. With different talents, different strengths.
What you must do is follow your stars. Follow your destiny. Follow what your heart desires.

Don't deny what you love. What you love is what you love! Don't try to fool yourself - you can't. You cannot fool your heart. You cannot change who you are.

People think a miserable life is a life out in the streets or something. Being poor. Having no social recognition. Being alone.

No, no, no! Oh what delusion all that is! My answer to all the above: who cares.

A miserable life is a life where you are NOT following what your heart desires.
You could be out in the gutters. You could be out of pocket. But that doesn't matter. You will still be living a worthy, happy, satisfactory life if you are following what your heart desires.

When you are following what your heart desires -
You can endure anything. Nothing can stand in your way.

When you are NOT following what your heart desires -
Even the smallest things will stress you. The most trivial of things will bring you down. You'll be left lost. You'll be left wondering "What on Earth am I doing here? What am I doing with my life?"

Follow your heart's desire. Follow what you love. At all costs.
Heaven helps those that help themselves.
Doors will open when you chase them passionately enough.

NO dream is too lofty. NO goal is impossible.
The question isn't whether things are possible or not. The question is whether you have the guts, the drive, the passion to make these things possible. Whether you are willing to give everything to follow what your heart truly desires.

What miserable life you lead when you are not doing what you want. When you are constantly questioning, doubting yourself. You wonder what on earth you are doing here. You feel like an illegit baby. You feel you are wasting your life...

Do what you love. Follow what your heart desires. Don't listen to other people. They don't feel the same happiness you do when you follow what you want to do. They can't dictate your life - of course they can't... They DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE. The person who best knows oneself is... oneself. The person that can make the best decisions for oneself is... oneself. NO ONE in this world can dictate what your heart desires except... yourself.

Everyone is different. Everyone has different values, motivations. That is why "advice" on what you should do with your life, ultimately FAILS. Because, by very nature, any "recommendations" are... flawed. The only "good" advice I believe someone can give someone else regarding such matter is telling to really spend quality time going over their mind - really getting to know what their heart truly desires - and following it.

When you are following what your heart desires - you can endure anything.
When you are not following what your heart desires - you can endure nothing.

Two very different ways of communicating.

2009-04-18T14:46:00.004+12:00

I cannot speak.

I cannot talk.

I cannot communicate.

*

I wish to make two very important distinctions in the art of communication -

social communication, and

purely functional communication.

The irony is, that much of the time, both use the same vehicle called language. But, the latter is, by far, the simpler one. The latter, is something a machine can do. The latter, is something that can be "learned" quite easily.

What I am referring to is 'pure' information exchange. This is simple. In fact, one need only but the simplest means to achieve this. Also it's 'universal', in the sense that anyone can 'learn' to do it, and also, the identity of the sender and receiver doesn't matter. They're just passing on information. One cannot care less about who it is that is the messenger.

Social communication.

This is a completely different beast, though it is an emergent form of communication that arises "from" functional communication. However, it is much more complex. A mistake one can oh-so-easily make is to equate this unique form of communication with that of pure "information-exchange".

Oh how wrong that is! Oh how misleading! Oh how... unforgivingly irreconcilable those two forms of communication are!

To prove my point: disastrous consequences arise if one interprets social communication as purely functional communication.

And let me tell you this - the skills used in the above two forms of communications are completely, utterly, different. I may even go as far as to say that our brain process these two forms in different ways.

Let me illustrate what I mean. I'm not trying to be pedantic in differentiating these two forms of communication. These are real differences that I feel everyday.

A scientist who writes a brilliant, Nobel-prize winning, succint, complex, paper ... may find it hard to exchange 'social niceties' with a cashier at the local supermarket.

A novelist, or a poet, may write one of the most resounding, heart-moving works of our lifetime ... but it may be impossible to have a 'casual conversation' over a cup of tea with them.

A brilliant orator may speak one of the most inspiring speeches ever; yet at a dinner party afterwards, they may not have a clue how to speak to other, actual, people.

Note in illustrating the above, I have shown just how wide the scope of "functional" (information-exchange) communication can be. It may even strongly touch people emotionally (as in the novelist / orator example) BUT, with all that said, it is still distinct from "social" communication.

I don't know.

I don't know how one becomes adept at that obscure art of social communication.

I guess it's some genetics. And socio-psycho-cultural upbringing and exposure.

But one thing resoundingly, heart-wrenchingly clear is that one can be ever-so-capable in one area, but can be completely deficient in another.

Oh the irony! Oh the misery ...

When everyone is right; when no road is commendable over any other...

2009-04-10T23:21:00.004+12:00

Can someone tell me -

What do you do

When everyone is right;

When no road is commendable over any other road;

When no pursuit is any more valuable than any other;

When no way of life is 'better' than any other;

When no personality or character is more worthy than any other;

Can someone tell me

Of this myriad of equal and diverse ways;

What life I should lead...

Misanthropes, friendships.

2009-03-29T13:31:00.004+13:00

No man is in the deepest sense a misanthrope
Ironical as it seems, it is society that creates misanthropes

Those that are similar are bound to come together
They don’t even have to ‘try’ –
Things just fall together naturally like matching pieces

What great feeling it is to have someone else’s heart resonate with yours;
What a great sense of place you have in this world
When you have someone else to vindicate you too -
To reassure you that you are not alone;
That their heart beats, their mind moves, in a similar way to yours ...

If you have to 'try' -
Then you're with the wrong person :).

The thing about true friendships, and true love is that -
You can just be yourself -
You need not 'try', in any sense, at all -
And things will just unravel naturally
Magic will occur from the unmagical
You will marvel at how things just, simply, 'happen'...

Misanthropes don't really exist
There only exist people that can never understand them.

Misanthropes and loners can have friends too.
Someone just needs to show them that it is possible.
Someone just needs to show that it does not require perhaps as a big effort as they imagine it to be.
Someone just needs to show that they really are not alone, that there are others like them too...

What it means to be alone.

2009-03-28T14:52:00.005+13:00

Being alone is not about being physically isolated -

It is about being socio-culturally isolated.

One can be amidst a million people yet still be alone.

It is being utterly, irreconcilably different to all other people. Socially, culturally.

Of course, there are certain things, that as humans we share with other people - but in everyday life, these barest of 'lowest common denominators' don't really play much of a part.

This incomprehendable difference, rift and gulf between oneself and others produces and perpetuates the loner. One is irrevocably seperated and continues to drift further and further away from other people.

There are very few things normal people will 'have in common' with loners. They are socio-cultural aliens. Incomprehendable, irrecognisable. An enigma. Someone best to 'leave alone' - as you can see, the creation of a loner is a two-way process.

Mired in social anomie.

Cryptic. Incomprehensible. Irreconcilable

These words describe things in either directions - I view society like that; society views me like that.

Why pitying is bad

2009-03-28T12:20:00.006+13:00

Pitying is bad because when you pity someone, you implicitly place yourself above them. Sure, you might think that you’re providing ‘love’, ‘care’ and ‘concern’ to those being pitied –

But you make it pretty obvious to them that they didn’t really ‘earn’ your 'love / concern', that you are only doing it because you feel you are above them, and you feel that hence you possess the power/right/position to be the one who 'pities', whereas the other person lacks that power/right/position hence is the one who is 'pitied'.

You think that you’re the only one in control; that they only exist to receive your pity; that they're 'under' you, hence they 'deserve' your pity, by virtue of being in that perceived position...

Why did the phrase ‘as cold as charity’ arise when charity is supposed to be a 'good' thing?

Because, in my view, so often charity was (and sometimes still is) based on pity.

Pity is designed to seperate - to seperate between you, the pitied, who is 'under' me, and myself. What this constructs is a chasm between those that pity and those that are being pitied.

Heh. Never would it occur to the person who pities that perhaps - they may one day be the person at the receiving end. To them, pity would be something they would be all-too-willing to give, but all-too-unwilling to receive.

And I guess this is why pity doesn't constitute true love. LOVE is something you will be BOTH willing to give and receive. Why the golden rule - treat others as you would like to be treated yourself describes love so well. No one, in their right mind, would go 'looking for pity' - often, being pitied is a last resort which they must endure - because they know what those that pity you really feel - that they are above you, somehow more valuable as human beings than you.

To pity anyone is wrong.

To love them - horizontally - no power-relationships - this is true love. To embrace who you would otherwise 'pity' as fellow brothers-in-arms. To embrace them as being just like you. To acknowledge that you are no better than them - that you are just as frail and weak a human being as them, but that at the same time both you and them are strong, willed human beings too.

Only at such an equal-footing can true love be given and received. Only upon such an acknowledgement.

Always think of this especially when you try to love or care about someone who society otherwise labels as 'lowly' - because they are not, and with those 'vertical', 'power' spectacles you will never practise true love. When you see beggars, when you see criminals, when you see disaster-victims, when you see addicts, when you see disabled people, when you see orphans -

Know that really, you are no different to them, they are no different to you, and THIS is why we should care about them and love them. NOT because we are 'above' them in any way.

Silence with grace

2009-03-14T18:50:00.002+13:00

Let me reveal to you today a truth that those who medicalise, label and stigmatise silence never realise.

I have realised that there are two types of silence in this world: silence with awkwardness, and silence with grace.

We are all too familiar with the first type of silence.

But here’s a thought: Do awkward silences exist insofar as one decides to feel awkward in that moment of silence? And then that such perception perpetuates itself; one actually starts acting awkwardly, uncomfortably; the silence is unbearable and one wants to do something about it.

Yes, that is the only type of silence that this modern world seems willing to recognise.

Silence in itself is a lost virtue in today’s world.

*

I wish to suggest and live a second kind of silence -

Silence with grace.

What is this?

It is to embrace silence. To enjoy silence. To cherish it; to revel in it.

It is NOT treating silence as a source of awkwardness - no, no, no!

It is to live a graceful silence; where one has accepted one's silence and embraces it.

Accepting, enjoying tranquility.

A problem is only a problem insofar as one continues to perceive it as a problem. One's silence will cease to be a problem when one has accepted it, invited it to be a part of oneself.

And then, one will start to become a 'master of silence' - where one enacts silence to a degree that... it is no longer 'awkward' to them; it is natural, it is part of themselves, and hence one will be able to show what it means to be silent with grace.

This is a truth that those who stimagtise silence will never understand until they actually open their eyes and try to understand us as human beings, beautiful as who we are, individual as who we are.

Impromptu speech, on-the-spot thinking, spontaneous creativity, ‘speaker’s block’.

2009-03-13T13:44:00.001+13:00

It’s not that I cannot think; rather, it’s the fact that when I am put on the spot my thinking ceases to function.

Often, minutes later, when that spotlight has worn off of me, I can think of a million brilliant things that I could have said.

But… when that spotlight is on me to say something, I cannot think properly!

My mind erases into a blank white slate. I just don’t know what to say. Suddenly, I forget everything. I feel that I need to respond, to say something, but I cannot think of anything. All I see is this blank, whiteness.

Not to mention the incredibly short time ‘society’ allows for a response, before things start drifting off into ‘awkwardness’. It’s certainly in the sub-second range.

So, I guess, it’s wrong trying to think of what to say after someone has finished saying something; rather, you must be actively be constructing your response before the other person has said everything.

Perhaps that’s what I’ve been doing wrong. But then again, sometimes you’re told to speak on very short notice.

I call it an art, really, in such cases – where people begin their talking while they’re trying to think of what to say next. True multitasking. And not saying incoherent things either – all the while saying socially, situationally, grammatically appropriate and coherent things.

I call it spontaneous creativity.

I will even go far as to say this is the origin of human creativity. In my view, human creativity blossomed once language had been invented. Now, people had to be incredibly creative on very short notice to merely have a simply conversation.

I guess something is inhibiting my free-flow too much. The thoughts are there, but something is blocking it.

The Grand Paradox of Human Interaction

2009-03-12T10:19:00.002+13:00

I don't know how people enjoy talking about, what to me are quite 'trivial' matters.

Let me list what to me are the list of boring, trivial topics people seem to enjoy talking about:

- asking 'how you are' 'how it's going'
- the weather - not just today, but how it has been / will be for the past month / year.
- how bored they are of working / doing something / being here.
- other people. (and what they think of them)
- past interactions with someone else. ("I was like ...." "He was like ...." etc.)
- The Weekend - what they did, plans for it.
- when the next break will be. What they want to eat or drink. Or, comments on what they did eat or drink in the last break.
- their / others' clothes.
- How they 'feel'. (No, not the 'grand' feelings such as intense sorrow / happiness.. just the mild, trivial 'feelings'.)
- latest TV show / music / movie.
- 'neighbourhood' or 'in-group' news / current events. (No, not 'world events')
- Their domestic life.

Yeah. To me they just seem like trivial topics 'not worth' talking about. I guess this is why I often can't think of what to say - I just don't value the above sort of things, whereas other people clearly do! Well, I'm fine with that. I don't want to have conversations about 'nothing'. Sure, they call it 'social lubrication' or whatever, but... I don't wanna do it - yes - even at the expense of social interaction, because... I don't want to be doing something I don't want to.

Why can't people talk about things more interesting!!!

Companionship

2009-03-04T22:20:00.002+13:00

I guess all I want in life is simple.

I just want some companionship.

Real companionship... someone whom I can share things with...

Someone whom to casually just talk to...

Someone to be just there for me.

They don't have to do anything, they don't have to say anything;

Just be there for me...

Not speaking a lot takes its toll after a while ... you just want someone to talk to.

The power of labels

2009-03-03T20:43:00.003+13:00

The human brain works in a funny way.
The moment we label something, we lose our ability to see much beyond that label.
For example – if you label oneself –
You may end up limiting yourself to that label, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

*

Sometimes it’s best not to label at all.
Then they can be ‘free’.

*

Descriptions are tricky things.

By describing something, we are summarizing something, in some ways, reducing something to that description.

We must remember – descriptions often fail to capture everything; we lose / distort large amounts of ‘information’ as we try to ‘capture’ objects / phenomena of the world in words / other media.

This is why I think ‘theories’ differ from ‘reality’ – theories, by their very nature, simplify things down – intentionally or not – hence they fail to ‘encompass’ or ‘capture’ everything.

Also, in my view, we say a literature / work of art is ‘good’ when they in fact do manage to ‘capture’ surprisingly a lot - things that we often fail to capture in normal ‘descriptions’. To borrow Alexander Pope’s words, good writing / art expresses -

“What oft was thought, but ne'er so well expressed.”

In fact, this quote was said about wit. Indeed, sometimes humour ‘captures’ certain things unexpectedly well. (And perhaps part of why we find things 'funny')

Sometimes, narratives, or ‘personal stories’ may capture more than ‘hard, factual’, accounts.

Sometimes, not telling certain things – omitting certain things may tell more than including them. It may ‘capture’ the essence of something more than trying to brutally describe everything. There is a quote I remember from high school English class that I’ll never forget – “Always show, never tell.”

I always kind of wondered why there were so many different forms of writing / art. I'm slowly starting to understand - each form captures certain things other forms cannot. Sure, we can interpret from one form to another - as you would translate between languages. For example, one can 'describe' a poem using prose. But no matter what you do, it will fail to capture everything in that poem; to do that reliably... one will have to write the poem itself.

Doctors vs. Scientists

2009-03-03T17:12:00.003+13:00

Today... we had an interesting discussion.
It was to differentiate between medical doctors and scientists.
And... in a group of medical students, it's not hard to get some prejudiced images of scientists, and some ideal images of doctors.

The group 'consensus' was that doctors had to deal with 'more' than scientists - that not only do doctors need to know the science, they need to know people too. And they also said that a doctor's job is more 'complex' because not only do they have to deal with swathes of facts, but swathes of 'emotions' too.

They somehow painted the picture that scientists were these unemotional, passive beings who sat in dim-lit labs over petri dishes, 'not caring'; to them patients were just labels, not 'real people'. Scientists had no social / communication skills. They were detached from the 'real world'.

Well.

My heart couldn't disagree more.

Really. Scientists - especially those in life sciences - are very concerned about people. Let me just put it this way - their passions are directed... in a slightly different manner to doctors. They are trained in... different... skills and roles. But to question their emotions and intentions, is wrong.

The people that will be finding the cure for cancer will be scientists. The people that will be finding a cure for heart disease will be scientists. Patients will thank the doctor that delivers these treatments, but we know, that really at the back there were some great, dedicated scientists out there - who directed their passions and acumen to a noble and worthy goal.

Yeah. I am a scientist at heart... I know it...

The lengths one will go to not break someone's heart.

2009-03-03T16:54:00.002+13:00

Tomorrow was supposed to be D-day.
Tomorrow was supposed to be the day I would break someone's heart.

I had been tossing and turning the past few days because of this.
My mind has been very heavy.
I didn't know what to do.

You see, no one in their 'right mind' breaks someone's heart for no reason. Usually there is a moral dilemma associated with it. Usually, there is an other side to the equation.

In my case, it was myself. The troubles my heart would go through. The fears, the worries, the anxieties, the awkwardness.

Yet here I am. I called it off. I will not break their heart. No - no, no ... it is such a cruel thing to do. You would never do that to a person ...

Instead... I'd rather suffer myself. I'd rather take it on myself. I'd rather live through the pain head-on. I'd rather walk on the burning path. I will take all the shame, I will take all the embarrassment, I will live through the awkwardness, I will be that sore thumb, I will be that piece that doesn't fit in, I will be that loner;

But no, I will not break someone else's heart. Not after what they have done for me. I would rather suffer myself.

Stand in the rain

2009-02-26T19:46:00.002+13:00

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why
but she knows that when she's all alone,
feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears
if she cries that first tear,
the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
and the fears whispering
if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out
is through everything she's running from
wants to give up and lie down.

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
So stand in the rain

Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

-Superchick

The Profound Art of Thinking of What to Say

2009-02-24T16:51:00.009+13:00

I guess it all has to do with experience -

That is, to know what to say, and what to do, in a social situation.

A lot of people have a variety of social experiences to draw their social repertoire from. Also from very early on in their life (almost from their birth), they have had the chance to observe and model / copy others in how to behave socially (and the social 'encouragement' to do so). I guess this is also the way in which 'culture' in general is passed on, rather 'effortlessly' and 'naturally', between generations.

In my view the following is how people 'think of what to say' in a social situation: They make extremely fast, 'calculations' if one may put it, in their subconscious of what to say. That is, what is appropriate to say, given the setting, the other person(s), the relationship, the context. This is done very fast with minimal 'conscious' thinking involved. Given the above variables, one's mindset, one's grasp of language, and in some respects, one's intention... words come out conjured and weaved together effortlessly and naturally. Language truly is a wondrous thing indeed, and a very intrinsic human faculty.

Like everything else in life, the degree of such 'automation' I guess corresponds to the degree of skill and experience. When we first learn to do a new activity - be it learning to bike, to swim, to play tennis, whatever - we initially have to think very consciously about every little movement we make, every little thing to do, what to do next, whether we did it correctly... and so on. But as we learn, certain things are 'grasped', and are relegated to automation. My guess is social skills and "knowing what to say" work much the same way.

Oh yes, and how could I forget creativity. To 'think of what to say' in the very short time we have in a conversation (down there in the millisecond range), we must have very good creativity. Sure, previous experience helps us immensely in preparing us with certain stereotyped responses, (and more generally in the 'ways' to respond / say things) but that cannot discount the huge role of creativity.

To 'conjure up', out of... 'nothing', something that is relevant, appropriate and 'interesting' - how can things get more creative than that? Yet this is what one must do in any conversation. To have a mind that can search through the recesses of one's memory and experience extremely quickly, and synthesise the right thing to say - in milliseconds. I mean, it pretty much has to be 'automatic'. And yes, I daresay, like riding a bike, reading a book - this is indeed a skill. One has to be creative to have a conversation.

And yes... this all reminds me of how human intelligence, and language for that matter, evolved in the first place: For social purposes. For as you can see, language and creativity are absolutely integral in developing human social relations, with all its complexity.

No. Sadly, human intelligence didn't evolve to make us better tool-users and wield technology. These were merely 'side-effects'. Nor was it evolved for 'academic' learning. This was a side-effect too. It evolved to... so-called 'enrich' our social interactions. Just as the peacock gradually evolved its marvellous tail to 'look nice' to females, humans gradually evolved 'intelligence' to embellish and decorate their social interactions; including language and creativity. Of course, it has had immense side-effects; but alas, to this day, such things remain as side-effects to the grand social theme.

I'D RATHER BE ANTISOCIAL.

2009-02-20T18:20:00.003+13:00

I always wondered what MADE people antisocial.
I know now.
It's that very society.
Really - society doesn't present itself as worthy of my attention any more.
I can't believe I've been trying so hard to become social in a society that doesn't deserve it.
What a waste of time.
I'm just gonna be myself and walk my solitary road. I DON'T CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

I've lost faith in humanity.
They're boring. They're dumb. They're stupid.
They conform so much. It's all their wee wee story.
If you weren't there from the beginning IT IS ALL !@$!$! IRRELEVANT TO YOU.

I just don't care any more.
I really, really don't.

Conform or get lost.
Be normal or get lost.

...
FINE I WILL GET LOST. YOU GET OUT OF MY SIGHT TOO.

I hate society. From the depths of my heart. I hate people. I really, really, really, do. They're just trivial, meaningless, pointless creatures that don't deserve anything. I sincerely hate humanity.

I hate them. I hate them all. They just are not worthy of my attention. good-bye. Irrelevancies.

Really. I can't be bothered trying any more. It's pointless. I'm just gonna be my "antisocial" self.
There is no point trying. It's a goal certainly not worthy of pursuing. Society is just pointless.

Always be yourself

2009-02-17T19:59:00.002+13:00

Always be yourself

Because the people who mind don't matter

And the people that matter, don't mind.

I bet no one understands me.

2009-02-17T18:16:00.002+13:00

I know

That it is really hard,

really, really, hard

For socially well-adjusted people

To understand someone like me.

They just don't know what to do with someone like me.

I am just too weird.

Just too different.

They pity me

Like an object

And move on.

I am not a person

To whom

one can have a chat with

A simple conversation

About

The going ons in one's life.

I am ... just not that sort of guy

They deal with me "officially"...

then move on.

You cannot

Have

personal

relations with me

Something

Is deeply wrong with me.

Pokemon theme music - surprisingly inspirational

2009-02-10T15:18:00.002+13:00

It's been over 10 years since I first heard the Pokemon theme music.

Yet, I have only recently realised that the lyrics are surprisingly inspirational and very motivational. Perhaps this is why it became so popular in the first place - it really gives people, including children, courage, confidence and the meaning of friendship.

Even as 'adults', if you take all the Pokemon references metaphorically, or allegorically, where "Pokemon" symbolises something, or someone important, valuable in your life - then bam, here's an amazing, inspirational song for you - brutally frank and sincere unlike many songs out there.

I wanna be the very best
Like no one ever was
To catch them is my real test
To train them is my cause
I will travel across the land
Searching far and wide
Teach Pokemon to understand
The power that's inside

Pokemon!Gotta catch 'em all--
It's you and me
I know it's my destiny
Pokemon!
Ooooh, you're my best friend
In a world we must defend
Pokemon!Gotta catch 'em all--
Our hearts so true
Our courage will pull us through
You teach me and I'll teach you
Pokemon!Gotta catch 'em all!
Gotta catch 'em all!
Yeeaa.

Every challenge along the way
With courage I can face
I will battle everyday
To claim my rightful place
Come with me the time is right
There's no better team
Arm in arm we'll win the fight
It's always been our dream

Pokemon!Gotta catch 'em all--
It's you and me
I know it's my destiny
Pokemon!
Ooooh, you're my best friend
In a world we must defend
Pokemon!Gotta catch 'em all--

Our hearts so true
Our courage will pull us through
You teach me and I'll teach you
Pokemon!Gotta catch 'em all!

Gotta catch 'em all!
Gotta catch 'em all!
Gotta catch 'em all!
Gotta catch 'em all!
Yeeeaa!

Why do you look at the stars?

2009-02-06T12:06:00.002+13:00

A story I wrote last year.

* * *
"Why do you look at the stars," he asked.

"Do they feed you,
do they clothe you,
do they protect you?"

"No."

"Then why do you bother?
It's pointless. Do something more useful."

Ka'shir returned his gaze.
"But they do offer me...," he lowered his voice, searching for a word - "... something."

Bash'ir remained silent; yet a hint of a smirk began to crawl across his face.

"Like what?"

Ka'shir lowered his gaze, and stared into the fire before him.

"I mean come on."
Bash'ir said, trying his best to hide the demanding tone.

"Those stars...
who cares about them.

They can't affect our lives here.

Do they pay for our bills?
Do they solve the... injustice in this country?
Do they bring in more money?
Do they help our ageing parents survive?

Tell me, what's the use.
What's the use.
You stare at those stars every night.

I... I just don't understand."

Bash'ir assessed Ka'shir, whose eyes remained fixed into the fire before him.

Bash'ir continued.
"Dude, don't get me wrong, but you need to understand your..., I mean our, place in society."

"See that castle over there?
Magisters there have the luxury to stare at those stars all night long if they wanted to.
I mean, who cares what they get up to in their spare time. Let them do what they fancy; their lives are all sorted out, they're fed and clothed by the Lords, they have nothing in the world to worry about."

He stared at Ka'shir.

"But you... YOU."

"Do you understand who you were born to?"

"I mean, we shouldn't even be having this conversation. You shouldn't be pointlessly staring at those stars so much. We've got work to do. We could be spending this time doing something more productive... useful."

Ka'shir finally broke out of his acquiescence.

"What do you mean," he gently whispered into the fire.

"What do you mean, by more 'useful'... what's the point? Does it matter if we earn a few less coppers?"

He looked up at the starry night sky.

"You don't understand do you," Bash'ir replied. "The world is a tough place. The world doesn't allow it. You'll starve. You'll have nothing to wear. Nothing will protect you from the weather, the authorities, the gangs. Nothing. Tell me, are those stars going to come and protect you then? Nope. You can't trust much in life. Only this."

He jingled his copper coins in front of Ka'shir.

Ka'shir sighed. It had been a gruelling day after all. All day he had worked hard, yet he had also seen too many injustices. He had even seen blood. No one in the world was honest; no one in the world seemed to truly care about anyone, especially those that were unrelated to them. They all just went about their busy daily lives, in pursuit of that jingle.

"You see Ka'shir... There is a reason why most people don't spend their lives looking at stars." said Bash'ir. He knew that Ka'shir was still young. He had much to learn...

"Because they never bothered to look up at what's above them every night," came the sharp reply.

Ka'shir fixed his gaze upon Bash'ir. Bash'ir frowned.

"Bash'ir, I've always wanted to ask you a question."

Bash'ir looked at him in silence.

"Why do you live?"

Bash'ir looked away. It was ... difficult. Had it been another night, he would've chided Ka'shir for asking yet more pointless questions. Yet tonight... he didn't know quite why, but he couldn't do that. Something in him was ringing. Perhaps, it was from the desperation he found in Bash'irs eyes, those wavering pupils waiting for a reply.

"I.. I-"

Ka'shir broke in.

"If all we live for is money. Just like all of them," He pointed at the shimmering township before them, "are we really living at all? If all we care about is money. Money, money, money, more money."

"Yes, I know money is important. I know what society deems high is generally for a reason."

"But I feel a lot of people miss out on many things in life."

"Many people don't seem to... simply to LOOK around them. Realise what a magnificent world we're living in. Experience the beauty that is resonant in our lives. Marvel at the wonders."

"Where has it all gone?" Ka'shir's eyes shimmered.

"Why, tell me why, why don't people care?" His trembling eyes reflected the moonlight.

Years of the apathy,
years of indifference of the world,
had taken its toll on Ka'shir. The world was now foreign to him; full of mindless zombies going about pointless daily lives.

"When I look at the stars Bash'ir," said Ka'shir, stifling a tear. "When I see the beauty, the wonder...
I, I...
I find something in it that is missing from this world."

"You know what?"
He could no longer suppress the hot tears flowing down his cheeks.
"When the world seems like such a drudge,
it is those stars that have given me hope.

For once,
here, way up there,
is something untainted by those greedy, dirty, selfish human hands.

They are precious jewels, yet no one cares about them - because they can't keep them, they're so far away. I know that they have no effect on our lives. But -" he grinned ever-so-slightly amid his tears,"in a way, that's why I love them so much."

Bash'ir looked away, and sighed. "You're crazy." He whispered, staring at the ground.

Ka'shir smiled."Then perhaps that's what I want to be."

I don't know how to have a conversation.

2009-02-03T13:15:00.004+13:00

I really don't care any more.

This is me.

I can't have a conversation.

I just don't know what to say. What's appropriate to say in any given situation.

This shyness is really debilitating.

Whether it's from my complete lack of social experience, something wrong in my brain, or some negative programming as I grew up - I don't know.

But what IS evident is that I am extremely, painfully shy, to the extent that I can NEVER think of what to say to other people, and I act clearly shy in front of them.

What I really wish is to have someone beside me 24/7, and guide me through social situations. For example, they can TELL me what to say in certain situations, how to respond in certain situations, how to act in certain situations - EXPLICITLY, not something vague like "oh just be friendly and talkative"

They say we learn through exposure? So far it's not working. After all, I've had 19 years of "exposure" in my life, where I was that shy guy. Yeah, I've 'experienced' a lot of social gatherings. I've 'observed' a lot of social situations. Yeah, I have a lot of 'experience' in how to be the shy guy. Yeah, it's helped a lot - hah!

To me doing that is like asking a 5-year old to observe an accomplished mathematician and then telling him to 'copy' what he does. SUUUUUURE. He'll need to go to school and learn 1+1 first. And then years of training.

I feel I'm just like that. People are telling me to do complex mathematics when I don't know how to handle 1+1. They go "just do it". I'm like - "errr... ok..." They say I need confidence. Oh sure, I'll have confidence. Yup. I'll be all ready and set to handle the complex mathematics. Yup. I am confident in myself!!! woo!!! Ok.... so how do I actually do all this stuff...???

Confidence is nothing when you don't have the skills / thinking mechanism to do it in the first place.

I really, really, seriously hate it how schools never systematically teach you social skills. Why can't kindergartens / primary schools JUST DO IT. They teach a lot of other 'useless' stuff - how about they just go out there and teach children THE most valuable skill in life??? Sure, many people "naturally" know it "instinctively" or via "upbringing"... but please, think of people like me!!!

I feel there really is very little support for people like me. Society just doesn't care. They label us as the shy, nerdy, lonely losers and move on with their lives. Ok to be more precise - they do kind of care, in the sense that they show sympathy / pity - but they aren't doing much about it.

Anyway... back on topic -

I am a man of very, very few words - not by "choice", but because I have no choice.
That's all I know. That's all I can be. I don't know what to say. What's appropriate to say.
I don't know what to do in social situations. I just don't know. And nothing's out there to teach me what to do. How to do it. Sigh. I give up. I just don't know how to move forward from here. I feel trapped at a dead end.

I reminisce -
even as a child,
I was that lone boy stuck in a library.
When we visited other people, I read books, and didn't talk.
When I travelled with my parents - I was very, very quiet, to the extent that they'd "forget I was even there"
I've always been the quiet one.
I sat alone a lot.
I walked alone a lot.
As a child it was all ok. I call it children's bliss. At that age society doesn't impose 'normality' upon them, as an imperative.
Quietness has been a part of myself for so long.

I just don't know how to let it go. I don't know how I'll live without it. I don't know how to function without it. I don't know how to go about life without it.

I don't know how to "change" without "acting". Yes, acting implies that I haven't changed really - that in the core, I am still that quiet, shy, self, but I try to "act" that I'm not. To be frank, I don't think this will ever work. Because you are fooling yourself. You're pretending. And I don't want to be that way - I want to live my life, not "act" it!

If I am my shy self - so be it. That's me.

Society! Can you hear me? THIS IS WHO I AM. Accept me or reject me, I don't care. Just don't force me against my will.

A Sonnet To The Girl In My Math 113 Class

2009-01-31T19:13:00.002+13:00

Her skin is softer than a dove's feather,

More grace in her finger than can be measured,

Eyes so deep I could watch them forever,

Voice so enchanting it has to be heard.

In math one-thirteen I sit next to her,

Away from lecture my attention is lured,

Can't help but stare to my side at this treasure,

A Goddess to me... she must think I'm a nerd.

My heart burns for her: I want it so much.

Oh why do I bother? Why do I pine?

What I wouldn't give for a single touch,

But her love, I fear, shall never be mine.

I suppose that this was intended to be,

The girls that I love? They never love me.

- by wyv.
Source: http://everything2.com/e2node/A%2520Sonnet%2520To%2520The%2520Girl%2520In%2520My%2520Math%2520113%2520Class

Defeating the fear of failure

2009-01-30T11:37:00.004+13:00

"I must allow myself the freedom to screw up without making a federal case out of it. I need to be able to stutter, say something dumb, be politically incorrect, stumble, risk being boring, risk being too chatty, forget what I was going to say, excuse myself from a disastrous conversation, and accept that people will also excuse themselves (though not necessarily because of me)."

- shyandquiet.com

"The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure"

-Sven Goran Erikkson

"Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong"

- Peter T. Mcintyre

Opening up, and sharing.

2009-01-29T16:36:00.004+13:00

When I envisage myself, I see a person clinging onto what they have with dear life. I see a person cringed in a corner, hugging their knees, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. Not letting go. Not sharing. Clutching everything for myself. I see those tightly, tightly clenched fists, a tightly closed heart. I see my eyes looking away.

By doing that, I build an invisible, inapproachable wall around myself. I mark myself as 'out of bounds'. By doing this, I reject others.

Why? Let's be honest. I am scared. I don't know what other people are like. That sense of unknown scares me. I am scared that they will touch my delicate self, and I will shatter like ice. I am suspicious of others. I don't trust others. I don't think I have anything worthy to say. I think I am too weird. I think I am too different.

In the face of others I see myself shrink away. I see myself as completely inadequate, unworthy, uncompatible, unacceptable. I feel completely unconfident, that I will do everything wrong. I feel that all I'll ever do is just make a fool of myself.

I feel that I don't have anything worthy to share, to bring to the table.

So - given all this, all I want to do is hide away, run away... from others.

* * *

I need to open up.
I need to unchain the shackles holding my heart shut.

I need to stop being completely freaked out by other people.
I need to stop being so scared by them.

Once I'm not so... scared anymore,
I will be able to "confidently" wear my heart on my sleeve.
I will be able to open up.
I will be able to freely talk.

I will be able to feel confident in talking about anything with anyone.
I will be able to talk more.

Because I won't be trying to judge every word I say before it even comes out of my mouth.
Because I will be able to vocalise my thoughts without being too self-critical.

Ultimately... it's all about sharing.

Sharing. Sharing. Sharing.

Opening up.

Knowing that you do have things to contribute.
Knowing that you can do it.
Having that confidence to share.

Sharing requires courage. It requires bravery.

Because when you share...

You let loose a part of yourself out in the world.
Knowing that it's all O.K.

I just realised, something important in how we function is giving permission for oneself to do something.

I can feel that... deep down, I haven't allowed myself to have light conversations.
I haven't allowed myself to talk about trivial matters for the sake of getting to know other people.
I haven't allowed myself to talk unnecessarily about anything.
I haven't allowed myself to open up more, to share more.

I have set a limit on how much I can say. I have blockaded myself. I will need to shatter that blockade.

I know that really deep down, I disapprove of talking a lot. Although I want to, I... for some reason, disapprove of it. I disapprove of "unnecessary" talk, of saying more than strictly necessary.

I will need to get rid of this disapproval, to say that it's O.K. - that it is desirable to talk a lot. That it is desirable to speak your mind. That it is desirable to share one's thoughts - even if it's not "correct" "conforming" or whatever.

The Miracle

2009-01-27T19:29:00.008+13:00

The marvellous, wondrous, inspiring complexity that is life.

Supreme mainfestations of beauty, of purpose;

Of diligence, of teacity, of survival.

The more we inquire

The more we discover

What pristine beauty awaits us.

How humble one feels

at the face of it all.

'From so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.'

- Charles Darwin

"We humans have seen the atoms which constitute all of nature and the forces that sculpted this work...and we, who embody the local eyes and ears and thoughes and feelings of the cosmos, have begun to wonder about our origins... star stuff contemplating the stars, organized collections of ten billion billion billion atoms, contemplating the evolution of nature, tracing that long path by which it arrived at consciousness here on the planet Earth... Our loyalties are to the species and to the planet. Our obligation to survive and flourish is owed not just to ourselves but also to that cosmos ancient and rast from which we spring."

- Carl Sagan

Nature, from the smallest subatomic particle

to the grandeur of universe

is breathtaking.

Words fail to describe

the wonder of it all

The sheer, raw beauty of it all.

How can one ever express

What one's heart feels

When one contemplates

The very stars one once was

And from thence

The miraculous path

Of how one came to be

When one contemplates of everything -

everything, in this universe

How one feels obliged to kneel

At the scope of it all

The grandeur of it all

Down to every miraculous detail.

For 'tis nothing short

of a miracle.

The beauty of complexity

The beauty of self-organisation

The beauty of emergence

The miracle of

How we came to be -

And to possess

from those very origins

Free will

Consciousness

And the capacity

To discover

To learn

To inquire

About all these things

To the inquirer, the explorer

O what treasures there are

O what most beautiful gems

O what most inspiring beauty

Are just waiting to be found

Least to mention

the grandeur

Of how it all fits together.

* * *

Surely -

If god exists

He is outside of this all

Beyond this all

For -

This beautiful world needs no intervention.

There need be no miracles -

When this universe

Our very existance

Is one.

And what a gift he has given us

The brilliance of it all

* * *

Crossroads of fate

2009-01-26T23:00:00.004+13:00

There is always a question

ringing

in my brain

Have I downplayed

myself too much ?

Have I trodden

on myself too much?

...

For one can easily paint an image of oneself -

and alas -

'tis so easy, so easy indeed, to become that image.

When one belives that they're something -

When one labels oneself

They serve as self-fulfilling prophecies

For

in the decisions we make

We will tend to, even subconsciously, make them based on who we perceive ourselves to be.

Even if our 'real' selves are different - gradually the two will align.

..............................................................................................................................

I don't know.

..........................

Have I downplayed myself.

...........

Could there be better paths for you ...

....

It's really troubling

. . .

I lacked confidence. I think.

Of trying even if it fails.

Of begging for what I want.

I ... I ... was so complacent.

I just accepted so many things. I settled for so many things. ...

When I could've done better ....

Sigh.

I don't know.

* * *

Living with

'what if's

is not easy

It's ...

........................

discouraging

..................................................

I don't know. I really don't ....

It all takes getting used to... and gradually getting better.

2009-01-25T16:14:00.003+13:00

It's simple. Basically, I am a newcomer to the "social scene" of human life. I'm just not "used to" certain things. Simply unfamiliar. A newcomer.

I guess quite a bit of it is cultural, but at the same time, a lot of it is not.

For we all share a lot of common ground, as humans.

And now that I am more observant and care a lot more about social situations, things start to make a little bit more sense.

Of course, it helps tremendously if one's baby-step social foreys are supported by others - namely, those that one is trying to socialize with. If they have an open heart, a welcoming attitude - all the more easier it will be for the social newcomer to learn the 'social ways' and navigate himself in an unfamiliar territory.

And as for requiring more confidence - I put it this way - "putting your heart out there".
Instead of trying to... shyly keep to yourself, just... revealing yourself, revealing what you're thinking, revealing what you have to say. Just throwing it all out there. Don't be afraid. Let others examine your heart, what you have to say. It's all OK.

When I hear people say... "oh, I don't know what to say"... or "I can't think of anything to talk about" ...

Of course they have something to talk about. Humans are infinitely creative creatures. Everyone has thoughts regarding some things.

I think it's more the case of "Will it be ok to say this?" or, a subconscious whispering of "I'm a shy person, I'm not supposed to talk much. I am afraid of what will happen if I say this. It's just not 'me'." In most cases, despite having a lot that could be said, we just... hide it away. We may even become so good at this that, with such an attitude, we do it subconsciously - hence our conscious mind comes to the conclusion - "I have nothing to say."

So, what do I call as having confidence in speech? Simple. The ability to answer close-ended questions with something other than a monosyllabic answer.

I slowly start to understand now. Many close-ended questions, in social situations, aren't really asked to obtain the close-ended answer as an end. Rather, they're intended to make the answerer elaborate, provide more information than 'strictly necessary' - which in turn hopefully gets the 'ball rolling'. Here's an example of a close-ended question:

Q. What's your favourite number?

Here, a shy person would answer, e.g. "7". FULL STOP. SILENCE. Yeah... they've answered the question. But have they really achieved the asker's purpose of perhaps getting the ball rolling, starting a conversation, and perhaps getting to know the other person a bit more? No, not really.

But a non-shy person, in social situations, would say, e.g. "Oh, my favourite number is seven. Wanna know why? When I was young.... etc. etc. etc."

By doing this, not only has that person answered the question asked, but they have provided a lot of other information that the other person could potentially further ask about, comment on, or whatever.

I have also observed that even outgoing people find it hard to deliberately ask open-ended questions. But still, the case remains the same. A shy person, would try to answer the very question using as few words as possible, perhaps to limit the disclosure of information as much as possible. Of course, a non-shy person will elaborate a lot more.

Perhaps, the hardest things for a shy person to respond to, is a 'remark'. For example, "Oh, the weather is nice today." Or, "Last night was pretty fun."

For, 'remarks' don't specifically require a listener to respond. Shy people can just well... not respond. To the person who said it, it may appear that they're ignoring them. Well of course not! People need to understand that shy people are one of the better listeners out there, they ARE listening, although not showing the 'usual signs' of it. (e.g. eye contact / 'responding') Or, if they're like me, they'll probably just answer a monosyllabic "Yeah..." and that'll be the end of it. (For that is, after all, a pretty boring answer)

Things start to make more sense now.
I kind of understand why people use greetings like "How are you?" or "What's up?", or how they became established as greetings in the first place.

Notice that they're questions - they are really intended to get the ball rolling in a conversation, at least when in a clearly social situation. (I acknowledge that nowadays it's become so commonplace that if e.g. a cashier asks, it's a simple substitute for 'hello') If, even in a clearly 'social' situation, one simply says "fine thanks." or "nothing much"... well these answers pretty much deny the use of the above as conversation-starters, and of course, are 'boring' answers. Sure, the purpose of a simple 'greeting' was achieved, but that's where it ended.

All this has convinced me that yes, we possess multiple intelligences. All this stuff is, obviously, emotional or social intelligence - quite different from 'academic' intelligence involved in, say, maths. Yet - I must say - the joy of understanding something here is no less greater here than it is for traditional 'academic' knowledge.

Heh. Now, I think I am slowly starting to understand... the 'point' of socializing. Basically, despite what it may appear on the surface, socializing is... an exploration. A joint adventure, into the unknown. When we set out, we initially don't know what we will discover. Do we somehow know beforehand, what a great person X will turn out to be? Do we somehow know beforehand what conversations we will have? What we will learn? What we will find out? What we will enjoy? What ideas we share, or do not share? Of course not. Yet - in a way - this is all what makes 'socializing' all the more interesting and fun. This whole sense of unexpectancy. A voyage into the unknown.

It feels so good... beginning to understand all this. It feels like a haze starting to dissolve. And I guess, at the end of the day - true socialization arises from our genuine interest in other people, and what they have to say and do. A genuine desire to learn about other people - colloquially, 'getting to know them', as a dignified human being. After all, there is a lot we share - with pretty much everyone; 'the common basis of humanity', I call it. We are after all, a lot more similar than we are different, as humans. Thus, we can, to some extent, relate to one another, their experiences, their emotions, and their thoughts. If we couldn't do this, we wouldn't be able to have conversations, except the merest of 'informative' conversations (i.e., purely for information exchange) that we could otherwise have with a machine. In my view, it is precisely this emotional character that defines a conversation, and to a wider extent - the act of 'socializing'; without doubt, it is this common emotional dimension that makes human-to-human contact all the more cherisable.

I want to conclude with Bilbo's song, which he sings when he starts off on a journey. In a way, I think it succinctly summarizes the whole 'exploration' aspect of the Human Condition - that life, and indeed, socializing, is all about exploration.

* * *

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

The art of letting it all go

2009-01-23T22:19:00.004+13:00

Another day passes and it's another day I am thinking about my shyness problem. It's hard on me emotionally to voluntarily think about a "problem" I have, when I can so easily "forget about" it. However I know there is no point in doing that since as soon as new social situations arise, I will be painfully reminded of my problem, like an age-old wound re-opening again and again. Also I understand the damages my life has suffered from me trying to simply "ignore" this problem. I've realised that turning a blind eye... isn't really the answer. At least so far, time and "growing up" haven't turned out to be remedies at all.

But then I wonder. I wonder. After all, we are free to wonder:

What if, what if... I could just let it all go ....

I start to realise, that an important part of my problem is... well... my unwillingness to change. My... 'secret' (or subconscious) desire to keep things at status quo. My... fear that, if I let go, I will never be the same again - that I will never be who I was again. That perhaps I would change to some alien being unrecognisable and far removed from my present self.

Yea, human beings are funny. Paradoxes, heh. The thing is, I want to get rid of my shyness. But, by that very definition, it implies change. And I am afraid of it. Even though I often hate every moment of it, I seem to be... 'comfortable' with my shy self.

An inertia.

I know that a lot of my problem stems from my lack of social skills, that I never acquired when others did as children. When others were playing with eachother, learning the nuances, twists and turns of social interaction, I was that kid reading books by himself. (lol)

However, from advice I've read, I also know that pretty much the best way to learn social skills is via exposure - and plenty of it, for me to observe others and practice, practice, practice.

Basically, I need a whole heap of 'social experimentation' to do, to get out there and see what works and what doesn't. Given enough trials, exposure, and experience, hopefully my brain will start to make the right connections, and I will start to understand things. Trial-and-error is a very crude way to learn, but by the looks of it, it's the only available way for me. (I could try out the fancy, $$$-requiring professional 'therapies'... but frankly, I don't have the money.)

I also know from other pursuits that... the whole point of practising is because you aren't perfect at doing it already. In fact... I view the whole act of 'practice' as 'making a whole lot of mistakes, then hopefully learning from them.' I know that mistakes are crucial. Often one learns a lot more from mistakes than from 'successes', and in a complex arena like social skills... I know that there are many, many, many mistakes and challenges one has to go through.

Given this, it's easy to see what's preventing me from actually going out there and trying to change, trying to socially experiment with myself. I am outright scared of the mistakes I will inevitably have to make as part of my learning process - of all the embarassments, of being snickered at, of being made fun of (behind backs most likely), of becoming an object of pity and shame, of becoming even more alienated / isolated than I already am, of perhaps not progressing despite all the effort I would make... worry that it may all be for nothing.

And of course, a fear of the unknown... a fear that, if I 'abandoned' my shyness, that myself, and my life, would 'change beyond all recognition'... it's like... throwing out a part of you forever into the void...

Yes. I am afraid. I am afraid to 'let go'. I am afraid of 'letting go who I currently am'. I am comfortable being who I am, despite all the problems. I don't know. Life is so paradoxical:

I hate my shyness, yet - in a way, I am 'proud' of who I am at the moment!

Oh, I can't believe I just said that. But it's true. Despite being alienated, I kind of treasure the fact that I can think so differently to other people. I enjoy being my unique self. Perhaps it's a coping mechanism I came up with, I don't know. But in a way, I embrace my shy, socially inept self.

Yeah, that kind of made me feel good.
But, but, but, but, but... at the same time, I can remember the oh-so-many times where I literally hated myself so much for having zero social skills and being shy.

***
Basically, this is how I stand, with regards to changing myself:

I don't want to become one of those chit-chatters... who ramble on and on...
I don't ... want to be the life of a party.
I don't want to gossip a lot.
I don't want to... 'hang out' too much, to the detriment of my soul. (I frankly... see youths just 'hanging out'... and it looks like a waste of time to me.)

Yet:

I do want to be able to have a proper conversation with anyone.
(This is a hard one:)
You know those group situations, where people just sort-of 'hang-out', joking and gossiping? Well, the thing is, I do understand that that sort of thing is the 'oil' of socializing, so, well... I don't want to be 'too awkward' in those situations either, but I also don't want to get too 'carried away'. I just want to be a 'socially reasonable' guy in that sort of situation where people won't regard me as 'weird'. It's a fine line that I'm not sure even exists.

I do want to not seem so awkward and uncomfortable in social occasions, and actually enjoy it.
I do want to follow the correct social mannerisms / customs / cues etc.
I do want to 'smoothly, seamlessly get on' with other people, without sacrifising my individuality. (Perhaps a very hard ask? I don't know... I am, after all, a very peculiar person ...)

(Heh, I must admit, it feels good specifying exactly what I want, rather than the vague 'I want to stop being a shy person'.)
***

Now, having some clarification: back to the crux of my argument - letting it all go.

Put it this way:
In dreams... I.. dream of 'going into the body' of another person. When I am them, I no longer am myself anymore (obviously... but this is a very important point!) Hence, I am not 'restrained', 'held back' by who I was. I can be whatever, whoever I want. I can feel free to experiment... I can be... 'free'! Do what I want, be what I want!

Basically, by 'letting go', I mean becoming like that, freeing yourself psychologically while, remaining in the 'body' of yourself.

'Letting' oneself go. Telling oneself that it'll be alright. In a way... not caring so much any more. Not caring constantly about how others think and judge you for your mistakes. Not caring that you aren't constantly living up to some perfectionist image of yourself. Not caring that you're making swathes of mistakes.

Basically:
It's lightening up. Taking life in easy-strides. Not taking life, oneself, social things, so seriously! One can experiment! One can try this and that! After all, we only have one shot at life. How we live it should be our decision.

'Loosening up'. Relax. It's all good. It doesn't matter! Stop being all serious and stuck-up about everything.

Yes.
This is a change in attitude.
I don't expect to suddenly become furnished with whole lot of social skills that make me no longer 'shy'.
No.
BUT.
What this attitude change does is put me on that long path of ... challenging oneself, experimenting with oneself.
And as I said, social skills comes with exposure.

Sigh. It's hard.
I ramble on here like this... yet when I think of what I will practically do in the real world... sigh. It's just sigh. So hard ... I don't know. Something just blocks me. I just can't... I ... I... I... just don't have the confidence to shatter that invisible barrier I put up against other people. I don't know why, I just do. FEAR. .... lack of confidence ...

Sigh. It's been good rhetoric anyway.

Why humans do anything at all

2009-01-21T19:54:00.009+13:00

I was wondering why I was feeling so nihilstic nowadays.

I call it the great paradox: When we are busy, we long for rest, we long for leisure, we long to just spend all day relaxing. It is something we dearly yearn for in those times.

But, when that actually happens, well, pretty soon one gets bored. That sense of having nothing to do; no responsibility per se; no duty... is... rather paradoxically... somewhat depressing.

In a way, humans are rather simple creatures. Like horses, we like having a carrot dangling in front us, for us to chase. Sometimes, that carrot need not even be something... it's hard to say... truly worthy to us. We just need something, someone to motivate us, to simply... do something, and provide some sort of reason for us doing it.

Whether you want to admit it or not - humans find... contentment and a sense of achievement when they have to do something, and they do it. Yes, we enjoy accomplishing stuff.

But now, we come to the important question: of that carrot on a stick dangling in front of us.

In my view, it symbolizes, well, external motivation. For example, if someone forces you to complete a task. Or you just know you have to do something for whatever reason. (At the most basic level, it would be trying to earn enough money to have enough food, and a roof above one's head) Or it can be due to some very intense societal pressure. It can be something rather dire, where perhaps one's life is on the line.

In such cases... yes we are motivated. Yes, we can try our best. Yes, we can dedicate ourselves.
And believe it or not - we will feel a sense of accomplishment when we get that task done. We will be proud, we will be happy. And most certainly we won't be feeling nihilistic (For we have some sort of "purpose" in our life, however unfairly / involuntarily that "purpose" was imposed upon us; and, in my view, striving after such purpose to which one knows is something that needs to be done is well, worthy, at least in that behind-the-carrot vantage point)

Now, we come to the interesting part:

Perhaps one's "most basic" needs have been met.
Perhaps one feels one doesn't want to be "pushed-and-shoved" by society any more, and that what they want us to do, is not that worthy after all. Or perhaps some societal pressure that had been exerted upon us has been removed.
Perhaps one has, indeed, accomplished that task, that goal. It's over. It's done.

Yes. That external pressure is gone. That external motivation has gone. In fact...

The carrot dangling in front of us has disappeared!

The question one asks is: Now what do I do?

Of course, one can do nothing. It's rather easy to do nothing, and seems like the relaxing way out after pursuing something for so long. Yup.

But pretty soon, one will get bored of 'doing nothing' in particular. One won't exactly feel like they're 'wasting time'; (for what is the meaning of 'wasting' when one cannot see something worthy of doing?) rather, one will feel... bored. An emptiness.

Like a horse lost, knowing no where to go. (Although, in nature, no animals ever lack motivation; nature always provides them with something to do)

It is at this point, in my view, we come to the issue of internal motivation. What do we want to do, as a person? What do we think is worthy of pursuing, is worthy of our time, dedication, and commitment... our life? What do we voluntarily want to do?

This, in my opinion, is one of the hardest questions a human can ever ask.

Firstly, let me address what I mean by 'internal motivation'. By that I don't mean that the motivation itself comes purely from truly 'internal' factors. (which can only be genetic; like it or not, our values, likes, and thinking patterns are all influenced by the environment, our previous experiences, and knowledge: all of which, in the strictest sense, originated 'externally') Rather, by 'internal' I mean that no one is externally forcing us to do anything; if anything we're forcing ourselves to do something.

Now, we come to the hard part. What is worthy of doing in this world? What should we spend our time on?

Yes. It's hard.

We need information, we need exposure. And a lot of it. We need to know what is out there in the world. We need to know every job, every interest, every pursuit, every hobby, every goal - and perhaps, perhaps then - we will find something worthy.

Yet, alas, we arrive at another paradox - in many things, to find out whether it is truly worth doing, one needs to have done it already!!! Yup. So often, one may get into a pursuit, only to find out it gets 'boring' later on, or one simply doesn't find it 'valuable' enough. Reversibly, one may be not keen at all in the beginning; yet once deep inside it, one may find its true value.

If we had infinite time, I will travel down every road, every path, and at the end of long, long journeys, perhaps I will find what is truly worthy for me.

But the trouble is we don't have infinite time. We only have one... excruciatingly short lifetime. How can we travel every road in such a short lifetime? We can't. We can't. We simply can't.

They say in decision-making: information is very, very important. Yet here we are, as humans. Forced to make decisions with an incredibly small amount of information. Yup. It's hard. It's very hard.

This is why I cannot commit. This is why I cannot set a pursuit. This whole sense of... opportunity cost. This whole sense of... "if I choose one thing... I'll be missing out on so many other things!" And that whole anxiety of... "sure, I can get into this thing... but perhaps, perhaps, there is something out there in this wide world where I truly will find contentment? And that I am simply not aware of at the present?" This worry that... I may spend precious time of my life doing something that may not truly be for me.

Hence I cannot find much internal motivation at the moment. Hence, I feel so nihilistic. In fact... so much is my... I donno, indecision, that I've ended up doing nothing. Heh, the ultimate paradox. So many are (potentially) worthy pursuits in this world that I do none at all.

What is worthy in this world?
What is valuable in this world?

Let me be honest: I don't know. Yes, many things compete. But does one truly touch my heart and ring true? Sadly, nope.

And yes... without this required internal vindication to do something... my existance in honesty is rather spectre-like; I grudgingly do many things. Many things I do against my uncertain, wavering will. Many things I don't know about. Many things I'm not sure about. There are many times where, I don't 'really know what I'm doing', I'm just pushed and shoved about, like a half-asleep man amidst a busy crowd. Many times I make unwilling, or rather, uncommitted, steps. Yet all the while, time passes by, relentlessly flowing; mocking my indecision, mocking my confusion.

Surely, there's got to be something truly worthy. And it will be truly worthy when I vindicate it myself, when I can affirm it myself. Others can help me, they can influence me - but they can never, ever, 'force' me; for it is most wholly a question of what I want to do with my free will, a truly precious, miraculous gift we humans have.

I guess... some things just act as 'triggers' in people's lives. And once triggered, bam, they're gone, like a rocket. Nothing can stop them in their pursuit. They will, they can, push through every barrier put in front of them, for they have that burning fire, that burning motivation. No, not a carrot-on-a-stick, but an internal motivation - that truly powerful, unstoppable, form of motivation. It really is a blessing to have that sort of fire. A rare blessing.

* * *

Why am I having this crisis?

I will be honest -

I don't think I have entered myself into a pursuit I can be truly committed to. Hence I have doubts. I have regrets. I have worries. I feel I'm better suited for... other things. I donno. Perhaps I was faint-hearted. I bowed down to external pressures. Yet I'm still very uncertain to this day. Was it the right thing to do? ... I don't know ...

Other people ... are quite different to me in the way they go about things. They have different values, attitudes and priorities. They decide things differently.

It's troubling. What's important in this world. It really is. Especially when things go 'beyond' my... I hesitate to say it, for I am not entirely sure ... 'selfish' desires. I don't know though. I don't even know what 'selfish' means any more.

Yet... yet... can we have enough motivation... how much motivation can we have to act on others' behalf, on behalf of their, not our, internal interests?

Sigh. I don't know. This is the point where I question myself. Can I really live my life in others' behalf? Can, and why, would I be able to go suffering for others behalf? For, it is easy to suffer for oneself, to achieve one's own goals. But for others? For others? For others? ...
I don't know. I really don't. My mind gets numb...

Sigh. The question of what we want to do with our lives ...

I feel ... jealous when I look at some little children answer so quickly and confidently when asked the question, "what do you want to do when you grow up?" Heh. Do they realise, that perhaps this is indeed one of the most important questions they'll ever have to answer. Do they realise, that some like me have struggled with this question all my remembered life. Do they realise, that to do what they answer, and to bask in its true consequential contentment, they'll need all the internal motivation they can muster.

Perhaps, perhaps they do. Perhaps, in a very... indescribable part of their mind, they know the weight of their answers. Perhaps, it is that confidence that matters. As humans, we are all setting out for uncharted seas when we begin life. Perhaps the best attitude is not worrying too much about the ship we're on, but on what the great ocean holds for us. What awaits to be discovered.

But let me be honest:
I don't know.

Expectancy

2009-01-19T20:07:00.004+13:00

I donno, sometimes one feels enticed to simply let it all down, let it all go, and dream.

Yes, I know reality says otherwise, I know that the dream is impossible, unreachable in the real world -

Yet I have the freedom to dream, to imagine, don't I ?

For the last freedom anyone can deny from one is their freedom of thought... be it a flightful, fanciful illusion, a striking impossibility, an unattainable mirage...

I dream that ...

There will be someone out there that can accept me for who I am, love me for who i am ...

Someone who will... guide me through wondrous intricacies and marvels;

an accompanying explorer in this great ocean of Life;

An inspiration; an enchanter...

Yes, I can dream...

I dream that I will be able to meet this person one day, somewhere ...

I dream that this person exists on this very planet -

I dream that of the six billion souls that grace this world

Surely,

surely

someone will be my dream ...

Call me an open book - a tabula rasa ...

Write in me whatever you want ... Reveal to me, show me, let me discover all that you have to say and tell ...

And perhaps

perhaps

Words will echo back from myself ... From whatever recesses of my soul you happen to uncover, both for yourself and myself ...

Perhaps you will touch in me something I never knew was there ...

Perhaps you can help light a fire inside, from embers I never realised ...

Perhaps you can tell me how beautiful this world really is...

Perhaps...